Roll Call 199

Good day today. Refilled meds. I'm on 6 meds, and one PRN.

Small amounts of microdosing (Although I don't feel like using psychedelics or nootropics much right now).

Psychosis is scary. It's been 2 years without (Except one night, a week ago, I thought "Oh ****..", but I went to sleep).

Lots of sleep is the greatest cure. You can't have psychosis if you're unconscious. So dose up the APs. When I got home yesterday? I went to sleep and slept all day and night until work this morning.

And btw, I left work early cuz I started to feel really shaky and nervous. I work really hard when I'm supposed to work.. I've worked really hard since age 15 (Cuz I'm a heavy perfectionist), and realize that it doesn't get me anywhere - I have to work smart instead.

I think this is quite better than psychosis.

I have all these bruises on my arms and hands. Like 12 little bruises. Idk if it’s from playing with my dog (he’s rough) or something else.

I also have a bunch of little scrapes on a couple fingers. Don’t know what happened there.

Mysterious injuries.

Edit: lmao apparently easily bruising can be a symptom of lupus. ****ing hell back again with the drug induced lupus. Pain in my fingers, now bruises.

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If it medication induced they should be able to reverse it by changing your meds right?

Yeah the lamotrigine.

I have to take a blood test next week and then I see my doctor on the 18th to find out results.

If it is drug induced lupus (which it’s looking more like) then I would have to stop it and go on something else. It’ll go away once I stop the medication.

I hate waiting so I’m going to complain the whole time.

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Also TMI I’ve being having some gastro problems lately and a threw up this morning. Idk if it’s because too much fatty food and then too much alcohol last night or again this lupus thing.

Just all these things.

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This reminds me of my cousin …she probably has celiac but never bothered to confirm because of the way they test it. She was just like I’ll avoid the wheat. Wouldn’t be easier just to quit the med and get a new mood stabilizer?

Oh yeah I just have to talk to my doctor and figure out. I have to wait.

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But like about the celiac - you have to get a blood test, and then a gastro scope while still eating wheat and then they can confirm intestinal damage and diagnose. It’s not really that bad if you’re still eating wheat. Some people get false negative though (like my mom).

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She was just like stop the pain stop the wheat.

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I started learning how to play my keyboard/piano. I learned how to play twinkle twinkle little star on it today. I recorded myself playing but don’t know how to post it , it’s not a video just an audio recording. If anyone here wants to hear it that I’m also friends with on FB, I can send it via Facebook messenger. Also learned the basic strumming pattern and chords to a simplified version of Jason Mraz’s song I’m Yours. I posted a video of that. Getting more serious about practicing regularly with both instruments.

Anyway I’m doing well, my bf and I talked over phone call for 2 hours tonight. Idk how that happens. Every time we talk 2-3 hours end up flying by like nothing.

Tomorrows Easter. I’m not doing anything really to celebrate. I’ll probably spend some more time learning songs

Tuesday I have to go to my volunteer job. The person who gave me the position will be visiting there to check in. I never met her in person yet, just over email. She’s in charge of the kitten angels program and the volunteers.

Thursday I’m meeting with my career readiness instructor to create my resume so I can apply for jobs.

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So my mental health is good. I’m on all my meds. I’m debating whether or not it’s a good idea to get off some of them or whether it’s a bad idea to mess with them

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The only symptom left I have from my PTSD is insomnia. I have to take a few meds to tranquilze me to rest. A symptom that points to me still living in survival mode. It's crazy walking around wherever I go because I instantly scan places for threats. And my other dx worsens it, compound that with what I just went through, could it get any worse for me? (Sigh) My pdoc said she's going to ask around for another therapist for me who specializes in trauma to help unclog the long jam where I'm at. I'll tel you what though, the story I wrote, Dostoevsky, and my "trips" have helped alleviate so much.

I had another great writing session. I'm so proud of myself with the direction this story has gone. Just not sure when I will have my first draft. I've been saying it's mostly done for 6 months though. Ah, the cows will come home soon, you guys have probably heard enough of my excitement of this story. haha

Anyway, had an eventful night watching Ben Hur with my lady. We had a really fun time, I was pretty manic tonight from the afterglow of my writing session. Never seen it, i appreciated the levity it had. Hopefully soon I can be as bold as 12 and her man.

The Spring has arrived. So every night, I take a walk around the block, then sleep.

I've seen the most beautiful things while doing this. And thoughts, feelings.

Nighttime LSD-like feelings. I hope they come back.

Hello Everyone ( ・_・)ノ , unsure if anyone remembers me i use to be an active member at one point came back yesterday , i though i would hang out here again . well for me this is Sunday ( i hate this time of year ) i am waiting for my partner to wake up so he can get ready So we can have breakfast & then go to the mental health drop in Today. i just Normally hang out there for a few hours then come home .

I remember you, it’s good to see you

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Happy Easter to those that celebrate and happy weekend/Sunday to everyone who doesn’t

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Happy Easter everyone

Happy Easter =] My mom gave me a chocolate bunny this morning.

Extreme motivation today, but it was all used on work.. Spring motivation..

But work is over for 4x days.. Tomorrow, I'll try and make an effort.. to do good things.. I'll wind down for now (With the afternoon Dexedrine? Idk.. I guess I must still keep going).

And I have a shower every day.. do the hygiene things, tasks.. They can get tedious AF though sometimes.. But I do them...

Last night, I hid under the covers and waited for 5mg of diazepam to kick in. Then went for a walk downtown, and was afraid of NO ONE (About 75% fear gone). So I wonder if I should try Cymbalta.. But I'll wait a while (If things get worse). I don't like to think that they'd get worse.. Cuz I want to succeed.. in my own way..

The dextroamphetamine won't be a long term prescription.. I'm just gonna learn the right coping mechanisms for focus and indecisiveness ... Mindfulness, meditation, learning as much as I can.. about how to orientate my life...

Often I say these things, then go into a bad state - So Idk. I'm afraid of that happening. I might as well accept it and give into it happening, of what might not happen (NOpe iN LiFe U CanT Do THat). Fine.. w/e... (ThAts NOt ThE RigHT AtTitUDe) - Okok..

I'll plan to read for ...25-30 minutes, today.. at 4pm.. First must search up corruption news though, and talk to the autist friend (She leaves millions of long messages.. I can't keep up - But has really helped me to find clarity about "self", be more curious with learning more etc.. It's cool. Genius autist.. I realize that I don't really have nearly as much autism as I thought..)..

Any criticisms are welcome =/

I'm druuuuuuuunk!!!!! Hope you're all OK!!!

Please stay on all of them, Blue_Bird.

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If you’re good on them right now I wouldn’t try to change them.

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Meditation is good. Reading is also good. I kind of find reading to be somewhat meditative in away. Idk. It always relaxes me. Usually takes at least 10 minutes before I get into the flow of it then I’m relaxed because I’m being mindful and focusing on one thing

I try to do work on one goal at a time. Like work on a goal such as making reading part of routine and get that down for a few months then work on another. At least that’s what I do. I don’t do too well when I make too many changes at once. I start really strong and burn out fast

anyway, not sure if any of that helps. Just some thoughts

I hope you’re Easter was good, I got some of the Reese’s easter egg shaped candy yesterday

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Had a good day. Got on the treadmill for 30 minutes then did some weights and squats. Cleaned quite a bit, finally did laundry too. Talked on the phone/FaceTimed with my bf a lot today since he’s off work on weekends.

Spent a lot of time reading too.

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