Roll Call 199

I finally made a dentist appointment. My teeth aren't the greatest (thank you, bulimia). This place seems to turn one appointment into 3+ appointments, so I'll probably have to go back again shortly after this first one (and again after that). It's later in the day so I'm making plans to go on an easy local hike earlier on so at least I can look forward to the day. Haven't heard back from the farm yet.

Good luck with the dentist appointment! I’m going through the same thing due to damage from years of bulimia. So I’ve been in like an endless series of appointments to get everything fixed as much as possible

Hiking sounds good, I love hiking, haven’t been in awhile though

When did you apply for the farm volunteer job? When I applied with the kitten angel program it took like 2-3 weeks to hear back, I thought they weren’t gonna get back to me but then suddenly I had an email from them

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So this is what I applied for for part time jobs

- Old Navy
-Target
-Petsmart (pet bather/groomer trainee)
-Walmart
-a local convenience /ice cream chain

So all of the jobs are retail sales associate positions except the petsmart one. The one I really want is the petsmart one. But I will take what I get if any of them get back to me , I really hope they do

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With my work ‘friends’ in our group chat I said good morning yesterday morning. Then I didn’t say anything. No one noticed until early this afternoon. Took almost two days for them to notice me.

Do I sound a little petty? Maybe. These people don’t care about me, not really. I need to stick to my silence. Only talk when they talk to me. I can’t keep opening myself up to them.

Like I said I was concerned about my hands hurting the other day and they started making jokes about how I can take up fart painting. Not a word of sympathy or anything just stupid jokes.

Whatever. I’ll probably leave them eventually.

Anyway, making a roasted pork loin with mashed potatoes and corn for dinner. Drinking a gin lemon drop martini (gin - usually it’s vodka but I’m out, elderflower liqueur, triple sec, simple syrup, and lemon juice).

I see my doctor next week. I took a blood test yesterday.

I’m concerned about my bruises and my hands. They don’t hurt much the last couple days but I lost my grip yesterday and dropped my coffee mug (it’s fine but I spilled coffee all over the floor). I have like 12 bruises on my hands and arms and legs.

Idk. I just wish it was next week already to hear what the doctor has to say.

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Thanks for the dentist appt encouragement! I really need it. Haven't been since before covid and even then it was just a "walk in, take some x-rays, yup you have like 7 cavities and no enamel come back in a week" and then closed indefinitely.
I just applied for the farm position two days ago, so I guess I shouldn't expect to hear from them any time soon.

HUGS Cogladaid

I miss my T. I wish she weren't on vacation.

cogladaid I know what it's like to feel left out/mistreated by coworkers, and it sucks. Best you can do is just stick to yourself. I'm sorry they made stupid jokes about your hands hurting. That was incredibly rude. I hope whatever's wrong with you has a quick and simple fix.

Thanks guys. Nice to hear I’m not being unreasonable or petty by not engaging.

My doctor worried last time I saw him that I might have drug induced lupus so it might be that.

I’ll find out next week.

Also, I see this other doctor next week as well. I had that lymphoma scare that turned out to be sarcoidosis (basically white blood cell build up) and I think I still might have some inflamed lymph nodes under my arm pit because it feels uncomfortable a lot lately.

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Do things that will help yourself not crash, like take all your meds as directed. Otherwise, enjoy the euphoria.

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Sorry SK, I hope you can see her soon

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Sorry about your friends Cogladaid, they don’t seem like good friends I hope you feel better and get some answers regarding the lupus soon

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I’m taking my Thorazine tonight with my night meds and going to sleep even if I sleep in a little late

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Oops, forgot to say try not to take 3 Klonopin per day. That's incredibly irresponsible of your provider to prescribe/recommend that. You will be glad if you keep taking it sparingly, prn.

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Yeah I haven’t been taking it, I took one today just to calm myself down but hadn’t taken any in a couple weeks

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I feel kind of depressed now.

I had this feeling earlier to stop taking my meds and just go insane and start pulling out my hair again.

But I took my meds and I’ll try to sleep this off. I don’t want to blow up my life.

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Hugs cog.. Remember, balance!.. is key.

Like I could have stopped the full 10mg of olanzepine, but I just took half (5mg). That, my friend.. is balance. No one with schiz or bipolar has ever done this. I would like my Nobel prize in the mail through priority postage tyvm.

Had a frank conversation with my mom about OCD. She has it to a mild form like me. She has things she has to do. And I relate. Little things. We bonded.

It’s nice to know I’m not alone with these oddities. She gets it. And I get it from her lmao.

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Yesterday I was feeling really bad. Like suicidal. But today, although I don't feel great, I don't feel as bad. I still feel a little suicidal but it's not so much. YKWIM?

Hugs, kit

Take me like a pill, take me like a pill, no one ever will - Fill the black hole in your heart.

Hugs to all

I'm gonna take Invega pills instead of the "Invega Trinza" injection. Idk wtf they're putting in that injection, where it comes from, how it gets here, how it could possibly be tampered/messed with. I don't trust this ****** corrupt system. Just give me my paliperidone pills, antagonize my serotonin receptors a little (Cuz that's not my fault I was born in this **** without taking psychedelics when I needed to at age ~14 or so).

Hahaha! ^-

I was a shaman.. And they turned my consciousness into depressed, lead. Grey matter deteriorating like the radiation that we are.

Decay, brain cell! Decay!

It's all destruction... That's all this is. Nothing is permanent. And out of that, creation. All it is. No one is in control.

I am too stupid on my own. I need people. And love (God, possibly - But I am too smart, to just.. go along... without questioning.. everything).

Alone, I'm okay - Once I get enough of a dose, to keep me going. Patterns, etc.

But it's been hard to start and finish things. I'm doing pretty okay with that now though... I just needed divine reassurance, from the mushroom.

And so here we are, in this reality. Sorry that if I die, none of you will exist. And that I could die, and still exist - for you (With other copies of yourselves, connected to me) - So who knows. But where I'm going? I'm not sure.. I'll figure it out..

Desoxyn you are not stupid. You're actually so smart I don't know what to say to you most of the time. You talk all philosophical and spiritual, on a level I can't even grasp. Some of the things you say are inconsistent, but they sure are creative and show out of the box thinking which is something I really appreciate.

I hope you're truly doing OK.

Well I did my hike today and went to the dentist. Dentist went okay, actually just need a bunch of fillings which will happen soon enough. Hike went fabulous. Here's a couple pics.