Roll Call 201

I didn't like the way me and all my coworkers had to delegate (On the phone) - That was pretty annoying. Why couldn't the manager just do it for us.. Being an adult? It's just laziness to me, and lack of shift organization skills. If people are to run a business, they don't suck the life, time and survival money from people like that - To be CEO, doing coke at the desk with hookers - Or else the workers won't care, and the phone calls will be soulless (And they were). There should be enough people to participate and share resources/talent/labour within the community.

Anyway, make sure to only work as much as you can handle (And that mental health is important). But you're doing amazing! (:

Me and Angel (My cat) take care of each other =[

She's a super anxious cat (And she's confused about my dad being in my room, and me being on a blow up mattress). Every times I move things around (To get ready for someone to visit), she KNOWS!

My parents weren't fighting this time.. They were actually coming to agreements/understandings etc..

My mom cried, telling my dad about how evil my grandmothers are. I bought some more wine for them. I told them not to drink too much, and for them both to take care of their health.

My dad went to visit a lot of family (While I was working last week) - My sister got in contact with our half brother (And his family) etc... He leaves tomorrow - And I work in the morning.. I hope nothing bad happens.

My dad said that I shouldn't have told my migrant coworker about my disability, and schiz etc.. But I felt interrogated by my coworker, and felt like I had no choice.. I didn't know what else to do (My mom said that it was okay though). I just want to keep to myself - **** them. I'm just doing it for money. There's a massive financial mess (With my mom) - She doesn't want to go to work tomorrow morning.. We might move back to the "isolation" (Which I don't mind.. If it's inevitable, and my mom is too stressed... I don't want her to be stressed..).. I had a good run here in this town (For almost 6 years now) - It was super fun! I've grown a lot.. I just don't want to work at the gas station in my old town, or anything like that.. Where I'd be reminded of how I was like (Around that place), when I was a teenager...

Then we'll move to Vancouver Island (Hopefully), and nothing bad happens to my parents..

We all lied on my bed, hugged, and talked.. And they're sleeping now.. I said "My parents.." - Like I never thought that it would be this way.. But we're still a family, after it all... All of the pain. And my pain continues still (And will, forever..). I just have to make the right decisions - and react to life, properly..

I just also need people to trust me - Like I've gone on some journey, and came back. I'd feel like the **** in some way. No one has seen what I've seen, and they can't mess with me.. That's why I think (With people that aren't in their 20's or younger), don't have all that experience.. And it's easier to have bad thoughts.. But also (With more experience), people can get tired/mid life crises etc.. Idk.. Nvm. I don't get anything anymore really.

I think the place I work tries to get away with only having a small amount of people work so they don't have to pay more people. so it's very understaffed and then the people who are there are overworked because we have to do twice as much. The management is pretty bad

Thank you, I'm trying

I love that your cats name is Angel Desoxyn, that's adorable. Cats are little angels

Bought the three shirts I posted and the jeans. Also got a music stand for my violin sheet music , the 2nd essential elements books for violin, and a padlock for my locker at work. And some household essentials.

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Gonna shower, then clean my apartment and do some laundry. Have my therapy appointment today at 4pm. It was yesterday but I had to reschedule it due to unexpectedly being called in to work.

First thing that happens when I get up is feed the cats then Maybelle vomited all over the carpet because she ate too fast today. So that was fun to clean up

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Don’t feel obligated to stay if things become too much and they overwork you. You don’t owe loyalty to any job, let alone one that doesn’t appreciate you.

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I’ll try to stick it out for a few months but if it doesn’t get better or gets even worse after that I’ll probably put in a 2 week notice and find somewhere else to work. Mainly trying to get at least a few months experience with a job even if it sucks. Just to have to put on a resume so I can find better jobs over time

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Good plan! Some jobs are just meant to get you ahead somewhere else. Keep it up! But don’t let them suck you dry.

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I’m gonna get myself a treat instead of just work clothes and the padlock for my locker in the break room. which is what I bought some of Something fun, something non work related.

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Anker noise cancelling headphones (wireless) they have super good reviews and I’ve been wanting a pair of over the ear headphones with noise cancellation. I have an Apple Music subscription so I can really enjoy music with them. I have beats earbuds but they are hard to wear for long periods they get uncomfortable, plus in general I prefer over the heat headphones to earbuds. That’s what I’m getting

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I worked three days the past week so next Fridays paycheck will be around $240

The propranolol my doctor prescribed is at the pharmacy. I’ll pick it up tomorrow morning

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Have an appointment with my therapist in an hour and a half from now. Also kinda waiting to see if I get called in for tomorrow for work. They generally call a day ahead around 3-4pm the day before they need you , if they do that’s okay with me. It’s going on 2:30pm now

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Saw the naturopath yesterday. Doing food sensitivity testing and see what happens.

I’ve been having some upset gut lately (bloating and cramps) and idk what. I didn’t eat very good yesterday (donuts, mac and cheese, and chicken fingers) either. I decided I’m going to try going without dairy for a while and see how I feel.

Doing googling (which I probably shouldn’t do) what I see fits a lot of everything (gut problems, food sensitivities, anemia, and an immune response on blood tests) comes back as possibly Crohn’s disease. Which sucks but hey.

So I see my family doctor on Tuesday and I’m going to mention it and my sore arm. And I see the naturopath again on Oct 3, talk to the gastro doctor on Oct 12, and talk to another doctor about the immune response on Oct 25.

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I bought some snacks and drink mixes

One is Halloween Oreos that are orange inside. Then another thing of Oreos that are pumpkin spice flavored. A bag of blended or bubble tea mix. A bag of caramel frappe mix. Fudge from a small business. Three kinds, peanut butter, chocolate, and caramel turtle. The other thing I got is Dorayaki which is a Japanese snack which is like red bean paste in between pancake like surrounding. And a imported box of popular candy bars from around the UK.

I don’t know why I just suddenly decided I really wanted some interesting snacks and drinks around here

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Those pumpkins spice Oreos are excellent…

I’m going to give up carbonated drinks, artificial sweeteners, and dairy and see how I feel.

Booo all the fun things.

I just feel so bloated and unwell. Hate it.

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Doing good..

I want to read books.. I think that's the best way of learning (Other than podcasts). So I'll try and do that tomorrow..

The problem is my heart.. I fear it. I'm trying to make sense of infinity (Within my lifetime) as fast as I can, soon - Before I can change without knowing as much as I could if I didn't...

Idk why I keep getting hits of overthinking. Sometimes situations can interfere badly (Like other people). I need to balance myself.

I don't fully have faith - I could relax, and let the flames approach me and burn to death, desperately clinging to highs and bad energies. Or I could give up - And that doesn't do any good.

Manifesting positive energies (Cuz of neuroplasticity), gives momentum - Making people more resilient to the opposite forces (Anything mental, physical, spiritual etc), to go against the small energies that would have been trailing along with the spirit (Weighing us down, causing bad perceptions/experiences - Even in a neuroscience/chemical imbalance way).

- It's the same as the forces of gravity (A big MASS - Singularity.. Black hole, among infinite other black holes - Or even just thinking about the earth, and getting out of orbit) + Every other forces of the universe, popping in and out of existence with time - Just moving pictures, memories - Becoming real (Somewhere else).

The only thing I don't understand is "why?" - Are we supposed to try? - When nothing exists/everything exists.. Every single divine point in existence, is me (And everything else), and also THINGS that can't comprehend things (Of which also can't comprehend OTHER - In a loop).

So everyone's full of ****, but we are all valid (0 and 1). We just exist. People have to live to their own best standards (Before judging the world) - And those two are polar opposites of each other, so they are harmonized, in synchronicity. They work together.

It's my choice, it's everyone else's choice too. What I do? Hopefully God has a plan (Instead of me doing all of the right things, and the objective world still stays the same - But that's the thing about this reality.. Is that we're in a certain dimension of the infinite multiverse/God, that has made sense of itself, and can work based on experimentation and mimicking or evidence).

Have faith - But be mindful.

Christ wtf is wrong with the programming of my mind..

I'll never be able to catch up, or undo the trauma. Maybe it will happen within this lifetime, idk.. If I knew that it wouldn't, I would rather die - But also I know that I'd just sit like everyone else, not knowing the truth (Or caring).

People are stressed.. Post traumatic stressed.. All they do is distract and soothe, relieve pain, find comfort, chase pleasure.. But all of that is fine.. Maybe I'm overthinking again..

Some people are labelled with numbers, or have curses, or have illnesses, differences, disabilities, never in the same location.. We are to find the location that brings unity..

I listen to everyone.. But I'm tired of being dragged into the wrong places (Even by myself, at times).. I'm trying to find unity within myself (That's what I NEED). So I have to go away, and be quiet, away from toxic people.. But no one is perfect.. I'm not perfect.. And never will be.. The world is imperfectly perfect, yeah.. It's what ever I want.. But there's a problem..

I think you're right (About the mindless things, to keep me content.. Or some hobbies.. But isn't driving myself nuts my hobby? It's what I've always done..).. Do I regret that? Idk..

It's so simple.. It's so simple..

Edit: I can't do this

Edit: Fine.. I can.. Whatever.. I'll go to sleep..

I'm in a ****ing tangled web that I made for myself and I need to get out

God! How disturbing is that?

I put in an application at Walmart. Just on the off chance that they actually do set schedules. I’m still working at Burlington but don’t plan on leaving unless I find some place I get hired at the ALSO agrees to do set schedules or if my manager finally does his job and makes a schedule for me instead of calling me randomly multiple times a week to come in at varying hours.

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Also put in an application at Five and Below

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