Roll Call 201

I didn’t sleep at all. But at least after I get off work at 3pm I don’t have work again till Monday.

I’m too tired to think straight But I’ll go anyway and just get it over with. I can sleep tonight and sleep in tomorrow. 6 1/2 hours from now I’ll be on my way home. It’s only 8:30am. My shift doesn’t start till 11am. Idk what I’ll be doing today. Interviews, orientations for new employees, cashiering, sales floor or some combination of some or all of them.

It was just me and one other person as cashiers today for 4 hours. There were huge lines and people doing huge layaways which take a long time. I got stuck with around 5 layaways in the first hour and a half I was there. They’re long complicated processes. And one girl who was supposed to be doing back up at the registers for us when we needed it which was often cause it was so busy was over on her phone 90% of the time not doing anything

Had a good mountain hike but it's best when I relax and take it easy and not think about things. That's what's so great about work for me. It takes my mind away from problems. Work is like moving meditation. You're focused on something, not your problems or thinking about reality.

15mg stim needed to be 10mg. So I'll skip 20mg of Dexedrine spansules this afternoon. Little too intense, very awake.

I thought about.. Horrors of awareness. So after 75mg of pregabalin, I took 500mg of phenibut, 10mg of diazepam, and 5mg of olanzepine.

I feel better now.

I've been very confused, but able to explain myself now. It's tough. What will happen next, Idk.. I'm not in an enlightened/flow state (Kind of..)...

My addictions are still the shadow. I'm honest to everyone, my family. But I hide secrets of my addictions, always have. Why I've self medicated? Well, just the reason why anyone get prescribed meds, therapy - Or anything, in general, want to fix something, how people react..

I'm still not sure what visual hallucinations ever are. People hallucinate on psilocybin - I did.. But I was in another mental state too (Psychosis - Like I've never experienced so strongly in my life, 2016). People were hovering over me, seeing Kamakazi pilots, insects etc... But yeah. Apart from the hypnotic ones, seeing people as if IRL.

I was hallucinating last night (Visuals when I closed my eyes) - Each vision, lead to another abstract picture - Like for example: I'd see cars driving (As if they were real), then I'd be looking through the windscreen of a car, seeing motorbikes travelling past me. Or a foot, crashing on the beach, making people get sucked into a tornado - The triangular tornado turns into a pizza, gets eaten by someone in their apartment.. Never experienced such imagery. I then went to sleep.

I was rehearsing what I could say to my psychiatrist, imagining how I could explain this type of thought/imagination pattern - And it just kept continuing on and on, forever. But I'd never be able to do that with other people listening. I have a non-fear of judgement in my own head. But the ability is there, to be spontaneous.

The Kamikazis.. My world was focused on WW2 in Japan.. Where the nuclear bombs dropped.

My aunt and uncle visited one of the sites - They were standing in the exact same spot that the bomb was detonated.. Listening to that, gave me a feeling that I've never felt before.

Had to deal with a really rude customer on Thursday. Made me want to cry. Anyway, one customer was really super friendly to me after a really difficult customer cause I think she could tell it was overwhelming especially since they had only me and one other person as cashiers. Ridiculously understaffed for the amount of customers and the amount of purchases people make especially at this time of year. I got slammed with 5 layaways in a row, which are huge and complicated and I'm still not super experienced with those so it was confusing and chaotic and the person that was supposed to do back up was hanging out somewhere else on her phone not doing anything.

Anyway, I had yesterday off. I have today off and I have tomorrow off then I'm back there on Monday. I've mostly been staying off social media, trying to spend more time being present in my actual life rather than scrolling for hours. I've slept really good the past two days which I needed because I was up for 40 hours straight before that. Anyway, hope you all have a good rest of the weekend. I'll check back in next friday

Having a lazy Saturday, drinking beer, watching football, and eating some comfort food. Hope everybody is doing well.

Today I've been feeling out of this world weird, even clumsier and nearly falling more than yesterday and the voices are very active, telling me they're healing me, etc. I started putting 1+1 together and remembered like 4 days ago I hit my head so hard on a tree branch nearly knocking myself out and blood from the wound and all my recent symptoms (headache and burning around large area of brain injury, clumsy, stumbling, confusion, absolute need to sleep a lot). So I entered symptoms in docus dr ai assistant and it says there's 70% chance I have TBI, traumatic brain injury. I'm not scared and not seeing no doctor. TBI can heal on it's own as the brain knows how to rewrite itself.

It's weird, today I kept checking the temperature to see if there was a heatwave because my head's been burning bad today like a bad sunburn. But I noticed it's all centered around the head injury.

Besides that everything's so so right now. Just a tough few days but everything always seems to magically get better. I swear my life feels like I'm under a microscope being watched and probed by entities who make my life difficult but always keep things just barely in the manageable pain range. Anyway at least there's a lot of very nice voices recently. They say they love me and are healing me.

We love you though! But a doctor can help heal - I recommend you see one. I hit my head while skiing - And while walking on the street (To the ER), my doctor was like "I'm on call - What's wrong?" - I said "I could have a brain bleed" and he said "That's very rare - Are you having symptoms?" and I said "No..", so that was that..

But in your case, you're having symptoms (I just recommend, that's all... You don't have to listen to me) - I know you might be scared and have reasons to not see a doctor - But yknow what? At least you're not like me, and that they'll test your urine, and find a whole bunch of positives for random drugs.

Beware of change in your consciousness - Be responsible for, unfortunately, a possible new reality (Which is happening for everyone anyways, so no need to worry).

Thanks, Desoxyn! I'm always hesitant to get help and would rather run away. But I'll see what happens over the next few days. Headache & burning is mostly gone now. Was listening to a lot of cool music videos which always puts me in a good mood and kinda numbing sometimes. Right now for some reason I'm stuck on Alone by Ava Max & Alan Walker PII. The brain is amazing. I used to hit myself in the head a lot and one time the fingers (left hand?) were paralyzed but eventually it went away, maybe relearning how to move them. Brain somehow knows how to rewire things.

Anyway, glad/hope you didn't have brain bleeding! That sounds deathly serious! Can't imagine going to ER. You have a lot of courage!

That was awesome what you said at the end, a new reality. That's definitely what I've been feeling so strongly lately. It's kinda freaking me out, especially today. TBH numerous times today had to ask if I died and if reality is slowly migrating to a heavenly realm.

Thanks again! Keep being awesome! Much Love!

With "entities who make my life difficult but always keep things just barely in the manageable pain range" - Just make sure you're not suffering too much, and always seek help, talk here or let someone know how you're feeling. There's always good people in the world that will care about you, me, anyone.

There was music I always listened to with the label "Strange Music" (Rappers that write about mental health and life - But with strange/disturbing vibe) - If you've heard of "Tech N9ne", at the end of one of his songs (And collaboration with some others), he said; "Remember, don't kill yourself.. Or anyone else! Stay here with us.. Your time to shine is coming, trust!"

We gotta stick together, through this ^- And sooner treatment for possible complications of TBI is better than later. I would hit my hand/fingers off the side of a table (When feeling too much mental pain), but never my head - I'm a scientist, not a mad scientist! (No jk).

When I was lining up for meds (In the psych hospital), a woman was standing behind me - She was manic, and said "The bumps on my head are cuz I can't sleep - I want to sleep so bad, I hit my head off the wall, to knock myself out" and I thought "!!! No way!.." - She always said "I'll meet you again" (And that stuck with me). She said "You seem too smart. I used to be like you. Try meth!" (She got put into the side room, put on 12mg of risperidone every 12 hours, for 3 days). But I realize, it's just how it is.. She mentioned some numbers to me, I then answered, and she said "See! He has a little bit of it!" (I'm 100% sure she was referring to.. Non-dualism or something.. Something like that)...

She helped.. But I lost my mind to come to that realization.

But no jk, SP is a real scientist like legit ^-

Good morning. The past two days since we’ve decreased the Thorazine I’ve only slept 4 hours per night. I slept 4 hours Saturday night and 4 hours last night. Which sucks. I hope my sleep eventually improves, cause I don’t want to go back up to the dose I was on. It’s like my body is incapable of sleeping with anything under 200mg of it. I have work today from 11am to 3pm. I don’t know how long to let the lack of sleep go on before calling my doctor. He said to call him if I struggle sleeping on the lower dose. I guess if it happens again tonight I’ll call him tomorrow. I can technically go back to the 200mg but I’m trying to avoid that because I want to get off Thorazine eventually. But I don’t sleep when I’m off it or on a low dose. I sleep a maximum of 4 hours of light tossing and turning then I’m up for the day. It’s always been this way, even before I was on it, which is part of the reason I got on it in the first place , I barely slept. First I was on seroquel but I got off that due to weight gain and switched to Thorazine 400mg. Eventually I got down to 200mg Thorazine but it seems anything lower than that and I just don’t sleep or get tired. Even though I’m not tired it still concerns me because I know it’s not healthy to only sleep 4 hours per night

Last 2 nights were best night sleep ever. It always happen with physical or mental trauma. But doubt it will happen tonight. Head feels lot better but not 100% yet.



Desoxyn,

I love meeting people like that lady!! It's been too long since meeting someone like that. I was in a psych ward only twice. Met a lot of interesting people, but can't recall anyone like that lady you met. Every so often I recall the psych ward days. Lot of good & bad. Your experience makes me want to walk down skid row out here to find interesting people.

Will definitely listen to N9ne. He sounds like an awakened artist. Who is SP?

That's awesome to hear you're a scientists. Us scientists need to stick together!

Feeling a lot better. For awhile this morning anxiety and panic was unusually high.

Still thinking about that psych ward lady you met, Desoxyn. I used to watch a lot of IRL streamers. Only the positive ones. This one streamer has a gift for finding amazing interesting people exactly like you described. They're usually homeless. Those people seem like gods in a human body. Makes me wonder about life.

Just got home from work. It was extremely busy. One of my customers spent $650 which was a massive amount of clothes.

I didn’t know you listened to Tech N9ne Desoxyn, I’m a big fan of him

I decided I’m staying on the 200mg of Thorazine. I sleep perfectly on that amount. With 100mg only sleep 4 hours per night. Idk why. But it’s probably best to not mess with it because it works so why mess with it. I can’t keep going for days on 4 hours of sleep because even though I don’t feel tired it’s definitely not healthy to be that sleep deprived all the time regardless.

I brought my Pokémon go plus + to work today and had it connected with the Pokémon go app. Caught a bunch of Pokémon with it and spun a bunch of PokéStops. I got over 10,000 steps today according to my Fitbit. And meditated for around an hour total today

I have tomorrow off work. I volunteer with the cats tomorrow.

I bought some protein bars and protein powder. Going to try to start doing some of these workouts that come with my Fitbit premium subscription. I already get a lot of physical activity at work but I want to do some more. So far I’ve lost 14 lbs, my goal is to lose another 40 lbs

The new thread is here: Roll Call 202