Roll Call 202

Oh jeeze, I just checked, my current laptop only has 8gb of RAM. No wonder it can barely run any games. Yeah 20gb is gonna be a huge upgrade

I'm thinking of doing one thing that scares me every day (What I think are positive things).

Should I do it?

My splurge with my state tax refund was I bought some crayola colored pencils, sketching pencils and a rubik's cube.

I considered getting better colored pencils but these are fine for now if I get more serious about drawing I can always get better in the future when I can afford it

The rubiks cube I'm gonna use as a fidget toy and I also want to learn how to solve them, my boyfriend is gonna teach me. J

ust trying to make sure I stick to a reasonable budget. The total for the colored pencils, sketching pencils, and rubik's cube was like $26, so that's not bad. I'm trying to build up my savings some cause it's not where I want it right now.

I'm holding off on the laptop because I need to have money set aside for vet visits for the cats. I need to take mocha for a checkup soon.

I still have my federal refund coming. That's a lot more. $160 of it is going to 4 violin lessons. (weekly) and the rest goes to household essentials, a vet visit for mocha, transportation to get to the vet and back (uber pet), phone bill, bus fare for my bus card, my netflix subscription and that's it.

I won't need to take Mustachio to the vet until this summer.

So those are the plans. I feel pretty good today. My mood is pretty good. My anxiety has been severely bad though. I really need to start taking my propranolol more often for that. I never take it, even though it helps a ton with the physical symptoms of anxiety. I've been sleeping a lot better with the thorazine increase. I had my volunteer shift with the kitties yesterday and it went well.

Not a whole lot going on today. They want me to decorate the bulletin boards in the building again, they said to pick items and they will order them and I can use them to decorate them. Should be fun.

I'm probably gonna sit outside later with some coffee. Gonna practice violin for an hour, and work through my music theory workbook some. I've developed calluses on my lefthand fingers. I have a violin lesson on Monday. I have to get bloodwork that day too. My psychiatrist said he'd prescribe some vitamin d along with my meds if my vitamin D levels are low (they probably are)

I have an interview at Walmart tomorrow

It’s a stocking job

So the job would be full time which I can’t do because it would make me lose my disability benefits.

So I decided to do the ticket to work program with social security instead. I’m waiting to hear back from one of the network providers for ticket to work. I just left a message last night with one from the list they provided me with. They provide job placement, job coaching, onsite job coaching if necessary, benefits counseling, and job accomodations etc. you have like a 9 month trial period where you c an make as much money as you want without it affecting your benefits at all. I’m hoping to get a job where I only work like 15 hours a week. That would be a lot more manageable with my mental health. Can’t do 45 hours a week. Even 20-25 when I was with my last job was pushing my limits with my mental health. 15 hours would be manageable.

I got a dialectical behavioral therapy workbook I’m working through. My paranoia and anxiety have been through the roof.

This forum is pretty much dead

Yeah sorry. I read but I don’t have much to share.

I had a day at work on Tuesday of meetings, lunch, networking event, health coach talking about stress, and then a dinner and drinks. During the day was eh but dinner was fun. Had good conversations and food - it was all gluten free and dairy free.

I’m taking a risk management course still. And also taking an insurance course. Both go towards different certifications that will help me advance my career.

Not much else going on.

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I'll take that as a no =[

We're snowed in, so couldn't go to the echocardiogram =[

Hru BB? Roll Call seems to be dead (I think it's cuz of the deterioration of society, thus mental illness is more prevalent.. And the mods can't handle all of the cognitive impairment of people, so the forum deteriorates as well..). I come on here for you though, cuz you're doing really well, through it all... Considering how bad it is.

The main thing I worry about is the dissociation - And I will stay here with you until that is gone! With my stupid little attempting to be-enlightened posts..

Much peace and love (And of course, things could turn upside down for me as well, and I'll be suicidal again etc.. So it's all good).

Thanks Desoxyn, I’m mostly doing well. I do still struggle with intense paranoia , anxiety and mood swings and dissociation but I’m trying to work on that through a DBT workbook and coping skills. Some days are really good, some days are horrible. I’m working on it though. I feel like a lot of that is just my borderline traits. I don’t get suicidal anymore. I don’t cut anymore. I don’t mess with substances anymore. I haven’t been inpatient in 7 years. And I was inpatient a TON before that. So I’m doing good in that sense. But I still struggle with the intense anxiety, paranoia, mood swings, anger , dissociation, and impulsiveness. I just am trying to work on it because I feel like it’s something I have to work on. I don’t feel like it’s a thing my meds will solve. At least that portion of it. That’s related to childhood trauma and chaotic upbringing.

I’m doing what I can, it takes a lot of work. I don’t think I’ll ever be rid of this it’s gonna be something I have to constantly actively work on. Idk. My recklessness calmed down with age. I’m 29 now. And am a lot better and more stable than I was when I was 19. But I still struggle a lot internally I guess

I got my federal tax refund.

Got Five Guys takeout yesterday. Got a massive double bacon cheeseburger, Cajun fries, a chocolate peanut butter Oreo caramel milkshake with a whipped cream and a Coke. It was amazing. I still have fries left. They put so many fries in the bag at Five Guys.

Splurged some and got myself some really nice art supplies, a new journal, a nice Oral B electric toothbrush with a pack of replacement heads.

I also got some self care items like for the dissociation I bought a set of 2 reusable ice packs cause cold helps me when I’m dissociating or panicking. And I got Victoria’s Secret love spell body spray and lotion to motivate myself to shower.

Here’s what the ice packs look like

I start dissociating and panicking a little while ago so I made myself sit down and color in one of my mindfulness coloring pages while listening to a videogame podcast (about Zelda)
And I read for awhile. And journaled a lot. It seems the middle of the day to the evening are the worst times for me. I feel amazing in the mornings. But as the day goes on my anxiety gets worse and I get more paranoid and dissociated as the days goes on. Every single day.

Im going grocery shopping tomorrow for food and I'm gonna get some stuff to make some of the recipes from The Witcher Official Cookbook. There’s a lot of awesome recipes in there.

I need something to do though something that’s highly distracting. I need to get out. Tomorrow after I take the bus to the grocery store and get that done I’m gonna take a walk to the dollar store to get my household essentials. Paper towels, dish soap, etc.

I’m gonna spend some time sitting outside in the little courtyard of my apartment building and read tomorrow too. Today it’s been raining.

I might clean or something tonight. Just for something to do

Panicked and dissociated again today.

So I took the plunge and bought a new laptop, it will be here wednesday. It's a Lenovo, has 24gb ram (and is upgradeable to 40gb) and has 1tb SSD (which is also upgradeable up to 2tb)

It was $475 so was in the budget, and it looks really nice, FHD 15.6 inch non glare display and low blue light. Super excited

I uh got the new violin, it was $450. I had some back pay for something come in so I had to spend some money to get my bank account below a certain amount cause SSI only lets you have a certain amount in your account at any given time.

This is from an actual violin shop with a luthier in Florida. I had a violin from him a long time ago and it was really good quality. Much better than the one I currently have which is a $70 no name brand probably mass produced in china from amazon that also was not set up properly by an actual luthier. So yayyyyy I will have an actual good violin soon. I’m waiting for it to ship to me. They have the luthier set it up and they will have to test it first and then they can ship it in a few days once that’s done.

Oh yeah, the oral B electric toothbrush? Totally worth it. I actually enjoy brushing my teeth now. It doesn’t feel like a chore anymore. Why the hell I didn’t get one of these so many years ago. God I’m mad at myself for not getting one sooner. It does such a good job at cleaning and it’s so much nicer to use than a manual toothbrush. Also it has a timer for every quadrant of your mouth. So it kind of buzzes every 30 seconds for each quadrant so you know to move to the next one

I’m really struggling. I’ve been severely dissociating every single day and having panic attacks every day too

Hugs BB =[ Trying to minimize it as much as possible would mean coping, but also not thinking too much about it (There has to be balance).

I remember when in full DPDR panic attacks (And they were the most horrible thing that's ever happened to me in my life), I 100% stopped learning about dissociation etc.. I just couldn't.. I didn't allow myself to (+ Some guy on YouTube mentioned that that was the best way).

Slowly, I got better.. Very slowly.. Now I can learn as much as I want to about it, go as deeply into it (It's a real gift, once recovery has been 99% completed). To meditate, but within the expansion realms, and all concentrated, the whole universe..

It's very very scary - But then you realize that the fear is from nothing.. Trauma has to be healed more.. Love is the opposite of fear. I still struggle with fear (Learning about corruption news - But not too much anymore.. Now it's more spiritual, reality based.. Into infinite realms of dissociation, I'm okay with..).

There just needs to be a switch that is activated - You can slip back in, but once you're fully out? It's relief.. I held on for dear life.. Many years ago.. Our will to live is usually stronger than our will to die... I wanted to die really bad, and I wanted to live really bad (Just a bit more) - I guess that's life for many.

And there's the heavenly realms.. Does it exist? Of course, cuz a psych ward can't be heaven right? That would be hell.. Bad is hell/evil, good is heaven/bliss, ecstasy, nirvana, etc..

People are to LIVE.. Being alive is what matters.. Our individual lives, the ones around us.. Are the most precious things in existence.. Life is the most horrible and most beautiful thing.. Cuz that what it encompasses, everything.. Every imagination is real.. A mathematical equation - Each thought flying through space at a 30 degree angle, with planets spinning around it... The sun, or the nucleus of an atom... Quantum particles, being waves.. Or directions, just ideas - Spinning, flying, falling, attracting, repelling.. This world we live in, is just a thought in Gods mind.. My mind.. Your mind, our mind..

Much love