Roll Call 202

Well, things were well.

I had to go to a walk in last week because my mouth was sore and it was hard to eat and they said it was a cold sore. And they gave me an anti-viral.

I got a phone call earlier from the clinic and the tests came back and it’s not HSV (herpes cold sore virus) or strep, and I had to stop the anti-viral.

So now my mind is spinning. It’s not a cold sore. It’s not a burnt roof of my mouth. They couldn’t say what it is. Google makes me worry more that it’s like oral cancer or something.

I see my doctor on Thursday like I said so it’s something else I have to ask him about.

Hopefully it’s nothing too bad. I just am worried now.

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I had a good day off. Had my violin lesson, it went really well. Was able to set up my new webcam, and also was able to change the battery in my laptop to a new one myself. So that's really nice. Next step is to get a good quality recording mic so I can record better quality audio of my violin.

Got work tomorrow. 7am to 11:45am. It will be easy. It's a shipment day. So it's just unboxing shipments and putting them out. It goes by fast. Then I have my volunteer shift at 6pm to 8pm tomorrow too, with the cats. I'm supposed to be teaching someone how to do that job, so someone will be there too learning. So it's gonna be a long day.

I work tomorrow, friday, and saturday. But I get sunday, monday and tuesday off. So that will be nice.

Going grocery shopping tomorrow morning. Then have a meeting with my housing specialist. Then have work from 2pm to 6:45pm.

Getting the stuff to make two different recipes:

Shrimp scampi
Honey lemon chicken made in the slow cooker with rice and steamed broccol

I swear I need a rice cooker. I’m so bad at cooking rice.

Rice cookers are so worth it!!! Literally measure the rice, wash it, put it in the rice cooker with the required water, press start - just wait for rice to finish.

Soooo worth it.

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May have to buy one next paycheck then the Monday after next! Especially since a lot of the meals I want to do for like meal prepping involve rice I’m trying not to accumulate too many appliances but I think that would definitely be worth it.

Oh wow the prices for them are a lot better than I imagined. I’ll definitely grab one in a week or so

So next paycheck I’ll get one of these. I’m debating which one. The white one is $20, the other one is $30 but it is digital.

Any ideas which one to go for?

This will be so much better than standing over a stove watching rice cook, and it coming out bad lol

Mental health check in:

I’m doing well, my mood is good. My anxiety is.. good on days I’m working and bad on days I’m not working. Cause I end up staying at home on my days off overthinking things and I end up dissociating and having panic attacks. On days I’m working it’s fine cause I’m so busy I don’t have time to dwell on my anxiety and get overwhelmed by it and it being a extremely physically active job probably provides a lot of the same benefits as exercise in terms of improving mood and focus, anxiety etc. as much as I love days off I start getting antsy and fall back into my dissociation pretty quickly when I’m not active.

I do still get work anxiety, like anxiety about going to work. Pre-work anxiety or whatever. But it goes away once I’m there. It’s just anticipation anxiety.

But yeah I work tomorrow and Saturday then I have three days in a row off. Sunday will be spent with my bf because our 1 year anniversary is Monday and we both have Sunday off. Monday and Tuesday he’s working, I have those days off though so I’m hoping to not fall into dissociation and waste the days spacing out. I always feel better when we talk and whatnot or spend time together. Like today I was dissociating extremely bad earlier and he called on his way to work and we talked for like 45 min and I felt a lot better after that and more grounded. Something about him always grounds me or improves my mood no matter what’s going on.

We’re planning on me flying down there in like 2 months from now. We have to plan all the details like flights, Uber ride for me to the airport, arranging care for my cats while I’m gone for a week, and arranging time off work. So yeah a lot of planning and money saving in the next two months. In preparation. I still have to get luggage I don’t even have that because I don’t ever travel. Lots to plan

I’m in the process of learning how to play chess. It’s so over my head right now lol but I’m trying to learn it.

Violin lessons been going really well. My violin teacher is happy with my progress., she’s very supportive. I’m learning a lot and feel like I’ve gotten at least a bit better over the past 6 months. I’m quite a bit better ant sight reading music now. And playing notes accurately. And doing slurs with the bow.

And surprisingly have gotten to where I can make time to practice nearly every single day. Ideally for 1 hour. At least 30 min on extremely busy days. More than an hour on days I’m not super busy. Right now I’m learning vibrato. And some other stuff. But yeah I love playing the violin. It makes me happy and inspires me.

I have a lot of hobbies . I draw too and I enjoy that as well but music is really my thing that I love the most and have loved since I was like 7 years old when I started playing violin in my schools orchestra. It’s what I dedicate the most time to and what I want to improve in the most.

We felt the earthquake here in upstate New York. The one from Taiwan. The building started shaking and my couch started shaking too. I didn’t know what the hell it was till my neighbor asked if I felt the earthquake, I didn’t know there was gonna be one. Mustachio was freaked out

Actually looks like it was a 4.8 one that originated in New Jersey. How strange.

Work went well. I’m home now relaxing my sore body lol

My galaxy themed keyboard cover came today!!

I bought the rice cooker

I approve this message.

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I ended up going with this one, will be here Sunday. I’m gonna try making some brown rice in it next week when I make the crockpot honey lemon chicken and steamed broccoli to go with it

I’m trying to learn to cook more. This Sunday I’m making shrimp scampi with linguine

I'm so tired.. I can't see..

The solar eclipse will happen, and then all of my pain will be over..

It's very hard to continue.

I know I will withdraw from stimulants one day. All they do is help me focus. They wear off after I go to sleep. But I'm awake now, after they've worn off.

I'm not as smart as I was. I have many flaws - No.. Shut up @me! Stop that.. Stop that right now..

Ok.. And.. I spend too much time perceiving broken pieces of mind. I'm doing well, considering all that has happened.

But maybe I want to force everyone to watch the world burn with me - So they can see.. that my hopelessness isn't a delusion. But that's pure evil.. I just want people to be happy, and free.. I'm free.. I can be happy if I want to..

Sometimes I want to be in the 12th stage of consciousness, I think I was.. I have to stop self medicating, so I can use psilocybin again (That's rational to me.. Who knows what is truly 100% rational, that's like explaining what reality is.. I have no problem with anyone)..

I just don't want people to not have sentience. Truth is.. (I'll post later...too tired..) What matters creative theoretical religious things i say.. Stop that.. Stop that right now, again..

My head must hit the floor and crack open, like an egg.. That's the only way I can change the past..

I am doing well today - sometimes I doubt things and the way things are going but today is good.

I got grocery delivery today. Didn’t feel up to going to the grocery store. Got everything on my list.

Have work tonight from 3pm to 7pm. 3 hour 45 min shift and a 15 min break.

I get such bad pre-work anxiety. Idk if that will ever go away or if that’s normal for everyone. But yeah, work tonight. Then I can come home and go to sleep and sleep in tomorrow. (I have been up since yesterday morning so over 24 hours now. )

I’m a little frustrated because usps tried to deliver my bfs chessboard to him today I got him and it said delivery unsuccessful due to there not being a secure location to leave package. And he’s sleeping right now because he works nights. So I guess I’ll see if they can reattempt the delivery. There’s not really a day he’ll be home though to get it cause he’s sleeps during the mornings /afternoon and works in the evenings/late nights. And there’s not really time for him to go pick it up at the post office cause of his hours being the way they are. So I’m frustrated about that, it was supposed to be there today in time for our anniversary dinner tomorrow.

Yeah…I feel okay. I’m exhausted. Just ready for tonight to be done so I can come home and sleep. My mind is telling me to stay home and sleep. But I’m trying not to.

Terrible day, overwhelmed, cried

Trying to feel divinity.. I'm feeling better though. It still won't stop though. I need to process.

I'm so depressed, underneath the drugs. But I'll stop using them eventually and face life.

I was able to DoorDash the solar eclipse glasses tonight after I just got home from work. So they’ll be here any minute so I’m ready for Monday. And I’m gonna DoorDash the wine for the shrimp scampi tomorrow when the liquor store is open

I got my employee discount card in the mail today

I drank a beer last night. It's not so bad, I suppose. I am not too worried about it.