Roll Call 202

Having a panic attack with dissociation. I haven’t been out of my apartment aside from going out to take the trash out in about 3 weeks. Which isn’t good. I have to push myself to the library tomorrow. I’m dreading it due to anxiety but I know I’ll feel better once I get out.

Ordering a pizza tomorrow and chocolate lava cakes

I have to work tomorrow. Everyone is a slave to this particular life - But it could be better if there were different laws of physics, if I were astral projected somewhere else, if we all had the tools, there wasn't so such a disproportion of evil/temptation vs positivity, or if our brains were designed properly for this time - If we could skip this portion of time faster which could happen.

But I'm fine.

Day 3 without coffee, having a really bad headache. I can do this though

I finally left the house. I took a 20 minute walk to the library. Proud of myself. It’s been so difficult to leave the house lately , I haven’t left in around 3 weeks before today. I struggle with phases of agoraphobia sometimes.

I did 15 minutes of yoga last night. I woke up super early today so did two sets of 30 reps with 8 lb weights, and am gonna do squats, yoga, and a 20 minute walk later. Made spinach juice last night. Just frozen spinach blended with water. Felt like I needed some greens in me because I've really been slacking with eating veggies and it's easier for me to drink that than eat it

One annoying thing about my bf is he denies that I have any sort of mental illness. So it like makes me question whether I’m imagining it all or something

I’m pretty stable now on the meds I’m on but I still have problems and was a train wreck for half my life, he’s never seen my when I was off meds and how I was for many years , I did a lot of work to get myself to where I am today and I feel like he just invalidated it, he says it in like a way where he means well but at the same time it’s extremely invalidating for everything I’ve gone through and how much work I’ve put into getting stable. I’ve had to go through so many med changes and hell to find a combo that works and have had to do so much therapy and work on myself and my mindset and coping skill stuff to get where I am. It’s so easy for it to get screwed up too. One night with not enough sleep and I’m dissociating and paranoid after a few days of not enough sleep or barely and I start to get manic and blow all my money on impulse purchases and put myself in very bad financial situations. It’s such a precarious balance and anything can tip it , but I do my best to manage it and I think I’ve come far from where I was 11 years ago

My bf always says stuff like that too. I’m not sure what’s that’s about tbh. Also one of his half brothers is experiencing some kind of psychosis clearly and he has no sympathy for him. I mean I get it …it’s hard to understand unless you’ve been through it but It’s like he doesn’t even believe in psychosis and that if you do have it you’re still accountable for your behavior even though you have no control.

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My bf has adhd and bipolar but he doesn’t take meds for it. So there’s no reason he shouldn’t understand

He may not believe in the medical model at all though….

3 days without caffeine or coffee of any kind. Also almost to 4 days, one more hour to go. Goal is to make it to a year. I’m craving it so badly right now it’s insane. But the headaches are gone now finally. I was drinking 5-6 or more cups of coffee a day every single day for 5 years. So it’s not easy. I have felt very irritable on and off the past couple days. It seems silly to feel like I was addicted to caffeine but it was literally my main drink all day everyday, when I was feeling upset? Coffee, feeling happy? Coffee, feeling stressed? More coffee, feeling like procrastinating? Coffee, feeling depressed? Coffee will perk me up. I was so reliant on it for literally everything

Still have a cough somehow

ADHD hypomania

Fun times in the AMs, in the realm of pretty colours, icons etc and infinite pleasures available. What am I to do..

Idk. Idk.. To take a zopiclone and go to sleep.

About to go to the food pantry since I have literally nothing in my house to eat except condiments and my Foodstamps don’t come in till Friday.

Just got back from the food pantry I got:

A whole cheesecake from Hannaford
Cooked buffalo ranch chicken wings from hannaford
A 2 gallon of milk
A block of New York white cheddar cheese
Yogurt
Oranges
Apples
2 jars of peanut butter
2 jars of jelly
Ciabatta rolls
Bordeaux rolls
A big bag of chicken nuggets
A 3 1/2 lb thing of chicken thighs
Granola bars
Scalloped potatoes
Rice
Soup
Pasta
Tomato sauce
2 cans of fancy feast cat food for Mustachio

How do I put the right information in front of my vision

Had a great time volunteering with the rescue cats today

I applied for a job at Gap

It’s right next door to the Petsmart I volunteer at

I also applied to two different Burger King locations

Food service is a little out of my comfort zone because I only have experience with cashiering /retail, but I'm sure I can learn

I'm really not doing too good at the moment. Lots of paranoia. Hope everyone is well.

Hugs Unsure hope you feel better soon.

Thank you SP

All I must do is get mentally stronger

The DPDR and some psychosis is gone now. But it will still take a little more time.

Well basically this is as good as it can get. For now (If you know what I mean).