Roll Call 202

It’s good to see you falcon. I hope the meds help. *hug*

I used to watch a lot of House MD , it’s a good show

I got stuck at work 20 min past the time I was supposed to clock out. I had 2 min left till clocking out and someone started to walk up to the register and I decided I’d take her cause it looked like she just had two items. Omg she had the most bizarre ridiculously complex convoluted transaction I have had to deal with. So I was stuck with her for 20 min I eventually had to get a manager

I feel like I need to find a support board for specifically bipolar and BPD cause those are the main things I struggle with. I’m diagnosed as schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. But I’m very much sure that is a misdiagnosis and it’s just bipolar and BPD. I think my paranoia comes from my BPD and my manic episodes from bipolar. I don’t think I have full blown schizoaffective. Like I don’t have hallucinations. They pretty much based the diagnosis off the fact that I had occasional psychotic symptoms outside of manic and depresssive episodes. But like I said I think those are from my BPD.

I like posting here cause I’ve been doing it for over 10 years but I feel weird sometimes because I feel like I can’t relate because I don’t think I have schizoaffective and I feel like I don’t fit in since my experiences are pretty different.

The BPD board on here is barely active at all. And a lot of the other ones online can be very toxic.

I'm scared

But I will be strong.

I put in a 2 week notice at work yesterday. Retail is not for me. My paranoia and anxiety at work has started getting more severe and I can’t deal with the unpredictable hours it messes up my sleep and I end up going 2-3 days at a time with zero sleep. So I put in a 2 week notice. At least I didn’t impulsively quit or stop showing up. My last day will be May 7th.

I wanted to sign up for M*** or inject myself with * dose of * laced *. SP asked me what would make me want to live, I said "For my dad to visit" - I broke down and cried when I got home from work.

I talked to my mom about what happened - I said that everything happens so fast that I don't have time to process things so I didn't tell her at first. She said to set boundaries with certain people online like "This isn't good for my mental health, I have to save myself etc - It's not about you it's me etc" - And to talk to my brother, dad, sister etc and just say "How are you" and that I don't have to talk, I can just let them talk..

I had chest pain from drinking 1L of pineapple and lime juice - I think it could have been reflux symptoms, but I thought it could be my heart (Cuz I was lying down on stim).. Today has been more than stressful, or past month at least...

Low doses of * is what is making me cry almost every day for over a month. When I used it in summer of 2017, I cried 40 times a day for 6 days.

I have the top 1% life in the world. I can't screw it up. If I don't have a chance, no one does.

But it's so hard to learn the self and other thing so quickly, I just need to process it a little bit more..

I’m out of coffee. Can’t get any till Monday or Tuesday though, sucks.

I get my paycheck Monday night , I hope it deposits sooner but we’ll see. The past two times one was at 6:10pm and the other time was at like 11:30pm. I also want to go grocery shopping. Cause I’m out of almost everything.

I don't really use phenibut anymore - Cuz even if I take 1/10th of the dose, I get really sleepy, fall asleep, and have beautiful vivid dreams. Strange. No more ket either cuz I feel full from using it, and that replaced alcohol over a year ago, so I don't drink that anymore either. No weed for long time, had enough.

My paranoia is worse lately. I feel funny about saying anything to post. I don't feel well, I'm in horrible pain when I walk and i wish

I wish I could go home. I think I posted before that I'd like to take a vacation in my old apartment blissfully alone with my own bathroom, a coffee maker, a fridge full of food, a TV, etc. It would be amazing. I want to go home and get a cat. Maybe I can work out something with my friend where I could live there but not encroach beyond my own small room. I just want to go home. I'm so SICK of it HERE. Five people sharing 1 bathroom. It's a horrible situation now. One of my roommates died and I don't like the replacement roommate. I'd be so happy just to go home and live with a cat. Maybe my legs would get better.

That's the other thing here, I've been in crazy pain for months now. I started taking a supplement for it but I don't know if it will help much. There's a 3 week starter plan. I'm only on my 2nd week.

I saw a news story about a package having been sent with a cat in it accidentally. It's the crazy cat lady starter kit. The cat was ok!

I think I could be happy.

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I saw that news story too! That’s crazy, I would be panicking so much if I somehow accidentally shipped one of my cats to Amazon with a return, I’m glad the cat got returned okay though.

I’m sorry about your situation , I hope you’re able to get into your own place eventually or move in with your friend. Are you able to get into supportive housing? That’s what I am. I have my own apartment I live in by myself and am independent and have my two cats. But there are staff that work downstairs in the main lobby that you meet with monthly to go over goals and whatnot and there’s a security guard in the lobby 24 hours a day 7 days a week that walk the halls and do their rounds once an hour to check and make sure everything is okay in the building.

Idk if they have that where you are but I’ve found it helpful. Eventually though I am moving to a different state to live with my bf in September.

Yes! I might try to get on a waiting list for the type of place you've been in. I almost did in my second to last apartment. But I didn't want to live in that town. Everything was closing up. I'm going to talk to my friend about it. He probably won't like the idea.

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Had a good violin lesson today. Also now that I’m not working I’m back to volunteering with the cat rescue. So I have time for that now which I’m happy about.

I’m moving in September in with my bf. I think it will be really good for me. Being around another person and people regularly. I will be getting a job at his job which is basically an assembly line but it pays really well like $20 an hour , I think he just got up to $22 an hour now. So we’ll both be working there. Eventually I’m gonna face my fear of driving and learn to drive. But yeah that’s the plan. So no more retail , yay!!

Mustachio is so weird. She growls whenever she hears someone walking anywhere near my front door like a guard dog or something

Today was a good day. I went to the pharmacy and picked up my meds. I walked on the treadmill. I had my violin lesson, then after that I practiced violin and took a shower. And I had some coffee. So yeah it’s been good. Also I get paid tonight. So I’m gonna put part of it towards my 2 upcoming violin lessons and part of it towards groceries tomorrow. I’m getting the stuff to make crockpot pulled bbq chicken and am having it on hamburger buns with coleslaw on top.

Tomorrow I’m ordering groceries from my local grocery store. Cooking. Practicing violin, cleaning and trying to learn how to play chess

What am I supposed to do with my movement and eyes?

I'm so hungry. They didn't give me a snack tonight. All I have is a big box of jams that I use for snacks.

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Anyway, that’s what’s up with me lately. I’m trying to get back on track though.

Sorry BB No more weed.. Just one puff, that's all you need from a vape pen. It's strong AF.

I went for a hike today. I worked this morning. I don't feel very accomplished - A friend got jealous that I feel for a girl... and got me to block her. I'm tired of nonsense like this. He's deeply in love with me - I love him as a friend - He helped me with my trauma for 2 years and then tore it all down - Saying I'm immature, fake, a terrible person, and that I will burn in hell - Then regretted it badly. So I said sorry to her, but in any way I don't want relationships - I can't put in the long term effort.. I just want to be alone and study neurons etc...

Why do people love me.. All I do is hallucinate and overthink in isolation. But I have a lot of empathy, more than I realized.. It's like a loot of empathy - But I'm not an "empath" or anything special like that.

Maybe this forum helped idk.. Although I've always been this way as a kid - School was way too harsh for me.. The real world is harsh. I need to grow up.. But I want to keep my sense of wonder, curiosity, etc.. I want to grow up as in, I want the LIFE grow in me...

Hope you enjoyed the hike, that sounds nice. And you’re definitely accomplished even if it may not feel that way I’m trying to exercise daily, I feel it helps my mood a lot

I definitely went overboard the pst few weeks. But I haven’t vaped since Friday. So that’s good. And I plan on taking a couple week break from all of it. Then approach it again but in moderation.

But yeah… I have a violin lesson today so I’m happy about that. I love my lessons.

And I drew this the other day, it’s a character from pokemon.

Gettin into eating healthy and exercising daily.

I can officially play the entirety of part A of Bach’s Minuet in G on violin

We all share the struggle, in this world. Some people can do it, they can do it all by themselves - Or with the support of others, and become something, or just keep themselves stable enough to continue.. We are all to share the love. That's really it.. The goal is to die with a fulfilled life, it's like fireworks man.

You can be at peace with it. You can lose everything, and die alone - A horrible, miserable death. And what perception comes from the unknown is what we give to ourselves, either way.

Like a computer program, from 1's and 0's - It all complexifies, infinitely - Through fractals.. nexus points.. All divine sparks, of good and evil.. All one. Love and God.

I need to tell my psychiatrist on Friday that I'm doing bad in all ways but somehow still functioning in all ways