rude people, how to deal with them, etc.

sometimes people can be rude to me and I just don't like it. now that I think about it, i haven't always been the kind and benevolent type either. when others piss me off, I just want to talk back to them but now I don't want to because talking back isn't going to improve the situation and I know better now than to be responding to people who are intentionally being rude. I wish i was a robot, not getting ticked off when people make some personal remarks about and to me. Because these words shouldn't hurt me because they're not true. So why the heck am i feeling like it's such a big deal?
Now my greatest concern right now is how do people work with each other if they can't stand each other, especially in the workplace?

I can't stand someone in the workplace and I was being pretty obvious about it. It got to the point where I felt like his relationship with me was making the jobs harder for us to do. I just talk to him in a monotone voice. That really doesn't work much but I just try and be less cheerful with him.

That's not really fixing the problem though, so I'm curious of how other people deal with it as well.

I guess avoiding them as much as reasonable, thinking about positive things to outweigh the negative, trying to be nice back to them and take them by surprise......

I ve been having the same problem, I need to stand up for myself, all I have learnt is to be quiet, and ignore it, it's not working... for me personally

What kind of situations were you in, so we can get a better idea how to help?
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there will always be rude people, I try to accept that they do not know how to present themselves in a certain manner. They have problems they need to deal with, they weren't raised to be polite, they lost their friends, their car got keyed, just got a traffic ticket, they didn't get any birthday presents, they have a disease, they have severe constipation

Hi, I'm sorry you are feeling hurt by rude ppl around you. As you said, it's not fair of them to be intentionally rude when you haven't done anything. Others have pointed this out already but indeed, there are always ppl who will act in a rude manner. You can either confront or ignore this behavior. Often confrontation isn't an option..eg if you could lose your job bc of it. Usually when someone is rude to me at work or in school I try to not take it personally and mind my own business. Still sometimes certain remarks get to me and I consider the situation from their perspective. Some people are rude because they have their own unresolved issues.

One thing that helped me was realizing I don't know what's going on in other people's heads (and often don't want to know :-) so deciding they are being deliberately rude or are playing some game at my expense doesn't serve me.

I try to remember the idea of "kick the dog" which happens when the husband gets yelled at by his boss and can't respond without threat of getting fired, comes home and yells at his wife because it's "safe" and she yells at the kid and the kid kicks the dog. It all goes downhill and that can happen in any situation. The person that doesn't like you at work can feel unliked by someone else and is taking it out on you.

Projections happen all the time; I still remember when I called and yelled at a grocery store manager because my fifty cent cat food was packaged separately and overlooked when I picked up my bags and left without it, realized that was a pretty extreme thing for me to do (I was afraid of the phone and of anger) so I thought long and hard and, sure enough, something had happened earlier at work that set off a chain of such responses by me.

The adage to smile at your enemies, it will drive them crazy comes to mind. I like to thank people for sharing with me when they say something (true or not) I don't like, it confuses them and shuts them up? Come up with a funny response in your head, substitute "blah, blah blah, blah, blah" for what they have said or some other private joke ("Easy for your to say!" or "And your mother wears combat boots!", some non sequitur to remind you that what they have said/done is about them and their issues, not you and yours).

I am learning how to deal with difficult people in a much healthier (for me) way. Especially in the workplace. We spend more time with our colleagues (in many instances) than we do with our own families and friends. Politics, jockeying for position galore, etc goes on in the little microcosm that is work! I realized that I kept attracting the same exact people in different workplaces and having the same struggles. I kept getting stuck. and totally frustrated and fed up.

So I have been working super hard on PC and with T to:

1. realize the people that bug me the most are probably the same people whose behavior is what is really bugging me and I don't have tools.

2. Turn the negative messages that have been implanted in my brain (thanks N mother) with more positive, caring ones.

3. Keep working on that one nagging, annoying implant (thanks Mom) that hurts me the most (me hurting me) that tells me I am less-than. Less than everyone else. And have no voice. And I don't matter. And I am ugly. And I have to be perfect. And inhuman and never make a mistake. Ever. Or I am doomed. And everyone is allowed to take advantage and walk all over me.

4. Remember most people are just being who they grew up to be and it worked for them. It isn't really personal, per se. Some people are simply just total a**es. And I am not changed in my core (my authentic self) just because of who they are and how I have to associate with them.

It's SUCH hard work, and I fall down a lot, but I am trying really hard. And for me, that counts for a lot. So I make a mistake or say something out of line. I am at a point now where I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed...I am at the point now (trust me I have had a lot of practice) to where I just think and say sincerely, "I am sorry. I wish I hadn't said/done that. I will do better next time".

All that said, I have been practicing at work....so for me, it depends on the person and the situation:

For instance, there is one person that I know has a great character and is totally kind. She was having a bad day and was rude or something. I just walked away. She apologized. I told her to not worry about it and that I knew the great person that she was. I knew she was awesome and having a bad day. Things blew over in a breeze.

There is another person that is a prima donna. He really annoys me to no end. He has got his boundaries down to a "t". He doesn't lift a finger for anyone but himself. Period. He is lazy and rude. But he doesn't know it. He thinks he is fabulous. So, I just speak to him as little as possible, when I do, I am strictly business, and then I get away from him. (I tried the nice-nice thing...)I do the monotone thing too.

Then, we have the total entitled beeotch (sorry people). She is super hyper and spazzy and rude and doesn't realize it at all. Strike that, she realizes it and doesn't care one bit. She treats everyone like they are her personal doormat unless she wants something from and then she is very sweet. She has said completely inappropriate things, has tried to throw me under the bus and is very bossy. I finally had it. One day she got all over me (snap snap, hurry up do it yesterday) and I replied to her "please don't speak to me like that" in a very nice tone.

She contunied on by saying she didn't appreciate my tone and my attitude. I told her that I was speaking back to her in the same exact tone she used with me. Then she started whining and complaining about what had happened to her the week before that brought her to her pissy point.

There is someone else here that is a total brown-nosing kiss ***** of one of the owners. He is the main guy and in the New York office. Personally I believe he "planted" her here as a spy. Because obviously he cannot be in LA and NY at the same time. They are besties. She is the most ridiculous person I have met in a long time. She is this teeny little thing that has prior success. She is very petit and wears super high platforms. She has an Anna Wintour black bob This person is a total know it all. And she has to have the last word. And is the authority on anything and everything. She was here but for two weeks, before she jabbed at me.

Now considering whom she is related to and that I feel certain she is a spy, I am super nice to her and very gracious. I got tired of the having to have the last word thing and the know it all thing (she even knows MORE about my brother than I do. Oh ok. You have worked with him for 5 minutes and I've known the dude for 40 years. K. ) I just listen to her, let her have her way, smile at her while thinking "you are the NICEST most interesting person with a lot of past success". From what I understand, facial expression gives away your thoughts in most cases, so I am forcing myself to think a positive message so she doesn't bug me (positive messaging), but I am quite certain that my face, smile, is showing her that I think she is full of it and has no clue what she is talking about.

What is she going to do, tell me she doesn't like my face?! or tell her bestie in New York that she doesn't like my face.

The bottom line is that I think it gets down to just being and respecting your authentic self and protecting yourself at the same time. Especially at work.

Whenever people are intentionally rude or mean or something like that to me, I look them right in the eye, smile and say thank you, or bye and walk away.
It fills them with rage if they can't get a rile from you and you get to walk away as the winner.

rise above them by ignoring their rudeness, they can't help being axxxshles, DennisDonnacha has the right idea, i do the same when people deliberately let the door go on me as i am going through in my wheelchair! it is amazing how many people get embarrassed when they realise others are aware of their actions especially as i don't say it quietly, i make sure all around heard and look up!

on one occasion someone at work was telling me wrong information deliberately so i would mess up, she didn't realise i had done my homework and knew she was persistently telling me i was wrong and her info was right, so in the end i asked the boss outright if .....(what she said) was right because that is what i am being told. I did not say by who i was told, but the boss was fully aware of who it was and by the end of the day this person had been reassigned so she had no need to be in contact with me! we both still had to work together on things later on, so i simply gave no information over the neccessary for the job and double checked or made clear to all involved which info i was given by her by saying i am not sure, i am just going off what i have been told by ......! she soon learnt i was not for messing with as it would always backfire onto herself!!

Pray for our enemies

just to add to my post above: it says in the Bible praying for your enemies is like throwing heaps of hot coals on their heads!!!

The best thing to do is try to avoid this person as much as possible. Don't fight fire with fire, it's not worth it. Just rise above them and just know that you are becoming a better person. You never really know what people are going through, even though that isn't an excuse to be the type of person that they are.

Such good advice here! I agree it's usually about winning and losing, and power plays. I'd like to add a few things I've learned lately. I have read books about this, gone to workshops, etc, because it's been a major issue for me. There are tons of books out there (I have most of them!), but the book that helped me most was Verbal Defense in the Workplace- it's an older book, but so eye opening.

1. Sometimes we emit attitude that we don't realize, and that rubs people the wrong way. I am really trying to be transparent/genuine with my words, and avoid "tone" with my voice. It's hard!

2. I am learning to respond to rude people without anger, or any emotion at all, really. It keeps my head clear, making it easier to form a useful, honest response. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt instead of thinking the worst of them. I just say, without emotion, what i think is happening, i.e., "Oh, it seems like you are trying to [tell me this], is that what you meant to say?" I've found it also really helps to avoid miscommunication when it seems like someone has misunderstood my intent in saying something to them- it's so easy to get the wrong idea in this fast-paced world.

3. Sometimes the people that bother us most are mirrors of ourselves, or parts of ourselves we dislike.

4. Who do we have a better chance of changing- them or us? All the books mention looking at yourself & your own behavior, not to say it's your fault, just to see things a little differently.

Hope this helps. It's so worth trying to improve the situation, for stress relief, self-esteem & your own inner peace.

we have a better chance of changing ourselves, not others. if they don't want to change, all i can do is accept that. i sort of agree with your third point here because whenever i see someone doing something that i used to do, i hate that and i wish that others did not do that.

This is also my predicament. I feel so down when I when I am around rude people. They fill my day with negative feelings so I tend to stay away from them. One time, a person like that approached me. What she did get on my nerves and I instantly defended myself - I talked back. And after that, she started showing acts of kindness towards me. Sometimes, we need to stand up and fight back.^^

i kind of agree, but some people don't really care about how you feel. like they think it's either them or nobody.

They have severe constipation. Hahahaha. Now everytime someone is rude to me, i'm
going to crack up laughing.

And you can say, WOW! while you laugh.