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#1
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Hi I'm new on this website.
I'm hoping I can get some ideas on how to help my daughter. She is 11 in grade 6. All her life she's been a high achiever , with very little effort required. straight A's are her thing and she's very proud of herself. Here is the problem : She seems to have an over inflated sense of modesty, or humility. She is under performing so she fits in. We've been at this school 6 months. There are only 14 kids in her whole grade level. (Its a very small school). She's made a few friends, 2 boys but no girls. No one is really her type, although she is very popular. She is a very pretty tomboy who is not only academically brilliant but sporty and strong. She was voted Sports House Captain this year although she wanted to be School Captain. I guess you could say she's got it all.?. She would like to be the Dux of the school but is reluctant to put herself forward. She is afraid of being judged by her classmates, and says if she does well on tests then they'll think she's a show off. So she is sabotaging her self by under performing. How can I put a stop to this self limiting behaviour? ? All I Want for her is to do her best, I think she has a duty to herself to try hard. So she can be happy with herself. Please help Thank you |
![]() Anonymous200265
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#2
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I hear your love and concern for your daughter to be successful and happy. It sounds like she is already doing well academically (straight A's) and is respected/liked by her classmates. When she has only 13 classmates to choose from for friendship, I understand her reluctance to be viewed as a 'show off'. School is a social as well as an academic proving ground and she is savvy enough to be aware of this.
Your daughter sounds like a smart, good kid. You both have done well. I am not sure I see a burning problem but maybe someone else here will see it otherwise? |
![]() Noonie224
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#3
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If she is happy and doing well then I guess things are going okay. She doesn't have many friends to pick from and it takes time to make friends. I can understand her being reluctant to stick her neck out relatively early on.
Can you talk to her teacher to get a better sense of things / hopefully put your mind at ease? See if the teacher knows she's smart... Whether she is encouraging / accepting of that or whether there might be something a bit more sinister / toxic going on with promoting the average or trying to protect the ego of some other teachers kid or something like that... |
![]() Noonie224
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#4
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THanks for your replies. I hear your point, maybe I'm being too demanding of her?
So you both think I should allow her to coast along getting B's and C's now for her final year of primary school? I don't know if I'd be ok with that, given what she's capable of. Deep down, I don't think she would be either. This might also impact on what high school she gets accepted into next year too. :-/ I have found out since posting this, that there is another girl at the school whose family are close friends with all the teachers, and she is effectively the teachers pet. Word is it is this girl who is seen to be the only candidate for Dux. Although, based upon all previous results and ability my daughter should also be eligible. My daughter doesn't want to create a storm by toppling this other girl off the perch. The teacher definitely favours the other girl. It should not be so complicated.
__________________
Trying to be better than I was yesterday. ![]() Only love, today. ![]() Breathe. .... ![]() |
#5
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I read into your post that your daughter is a straight A student but I assume her grades have dropped recently?
Maybe the issue boils down to each child has the responsibility to do the best they are capable of (academically, socially, morally, etc) and it is a parent's responsibility to guide and model this for their child. Some ongoing discussion with your daughter seems appropriate, including discussion about her fears of being rejected by her peers. It might be helpful to talk about some times when you were faced with the same issues when you were her age and that you can relate. The love you have for her will underpin all of this. Try to stay with the current issues and not go too far into the future. That will only increase your anxiety and ultimately, hers. Best wishes - parenting is not for the faint of heart. |
![]() Noonie224
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#6
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Default Re: A grade daughter doesn't want to "stand out"
THanks for your replies. I hear your point, maybe I'm being too demanding of her? 'So you both think I should allow her to coast along getting B's and C's now for her final year of primary school? I don't know if I'd be ok with that, given what she's capable of. Deep down, I don't think she would be either.' I feel the best you can do for her is 'be there' listen to her, be positive, supportive, try not to criticize. She is an individual who will find her own level in her own time. If you push her too much she will become miserable. You sound rather status driven. Give her space to be herself, don't pressurize her. Shes a clever girl she will be successful in her own time. I dont know what a 'Dux' is. |
![]() Noonie224
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#7
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Did her grades take a dive after the move? Aka: How do you know she's an A grade student if she's pulling B's and C's?
Is Dux about grades - or something else? Is it about the kid who gets the highest test scores - or something else? Does your kid need to nominate herself - but she is refusing to, or something like that? Do you think she is intentionally getting things wrong in her test scores, or something like that? Trying to get a better sense of where things are at... |
![]() Noonie224
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#8
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HI,
Dux is the academic award given at the end of the school year, which acknowledges effort, and achievement across all subjects. There is only one Dux for the whole of primary school. It is in the senior year, grade 6. Then they do it again at the end of year 12 - final year of secondary school. You don't apply, you are selected by your teacher, based on overall results across the year. Whilst I am not status driven, my daughter wants the award, I want to help her succeed in getting it. If she wants it, but is reluctant to work for it, it would be really sad and disappointing for her. My worry is she is purposely not doing well, as she doesn't want to be seen by her peers as trying to hard, showing off her knowledge, and thereby creating distance between her and them. In the past 5 weeks of school, she's taken a nose dive with the "Start of year" benchmark testing. SHe thinks if she's too far above all the others, no one will like her. SO that's why she has now benchmarked as a C in some subjects, when she finished last year (Grade5 ) on As. THank you everyone, you have given me great perspective on it. I really do take on your comments, and it's helped me understand a lot.
__________________
Trying to be better than I was yesterday. ![]() Only love, today. ![]() Breathe. .... ![]() |
![]() Little Lulu
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#9
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If it is a small school (and it sounds like it is) then dux is probably... Something more about... Picking a leader from amongst them, if that makes sense. A kid who has been there throughout the years. Has distinguished themselves through a variety of classes with different teachers etc. Consistently. Over a number of years. If she's just moved there, then she might not be accepted properly as an insider before she moves on again. Whether or not she is getting the best grades in her class.
I guess my advice would be... To forget about dux (maybe explain to her)... But worry more about... Fostering intellectual curiosity. Even if she pretends to be aloof or whatever in class most of the real work is (or can be) done at home, anyway. You can help her... > If she wants it, but is reluctant to work for it, it would be really sad and disappointing for her. That would be... Most people, I'm afraid... Everybody wants to be a bodybuilder... But nobody wants to lift no heavy *** weights! Etc... Everybody wants to be a doctor... Until they learn how much you have to study... Work ethic is a valuable thing to learn. Precisely because most people don't have it. That being said, she is very young yet... |
![]() marmaduke
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#10
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Quote:
The way you describe it sounds like she didn't feel this way before, but it is happening sort of lately, maybe the last year? Children who are victims of bullying rarely speak out. I did the same thing. And, bullying doesn't even have to be saying mean things to a person, it could be something as simple as social exclusion - other children showing her in a non-verbal way that they will rather hang out with each other and would prefer her not to join into the group. She's popular sure, but that does not mean they are not excluding her. I think you will often find these classmates are only friendly with her when they need help with their homework. |
![]() connect.the.stars
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#11
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I agree with StbGuy here.
Being gifted and talented can have many repercussions when you are singled out and other kids are jealous. Kids can play dirty. Real dirty. It seems like your daughter is very well aware of this fact. She has a good sense of what is or is not socially accepted. While it is great to gain recognition, if she risks losing her friendships and sense of belonging, then is the award really worth it? That question is for her to answer. I know it is hard for you to watch her sabotage herself. Since you have also just moved to the area, I am guessing switching schools so that she is with other children of her same intelligence level is not an option? |
![]() Anonymous200265
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#12
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I can relate to what connect.the.stars is saying, and what your daughter is going through.
I was also really gifted at school (I was dux a few times), and the other kids didn't like it one bit. However, I didn't ever think of sabotaging myself in order to become popular with my classmates, and the results were that I became extremely isolated and unpopular with them and they hated me. But, with that being said, the academic achievement was always more attractive to me than having many friends, so for me the choice was my work over social acceptance, because learning and being smart was extremely enjoyable for me. The pros of academic achievement far outweighed the cons of social un-acceptance, for me. However, for your daughter, it seems social acceptance is really important for her. Now, there's nothing wrong with that. Being autistic with an INTJ personality and high IQ, I admit I am a bit of a monster/machine at times and my obsessions (including academics) can take centre stage at times. For her, she seems to have a well-developed sense of social understanding (unlike me) and if she feels that is equally or slightly more important to her than being respected (but hated) academically. It will always differ from person to person. I knew another girl, just like your daughter, who was really smart and had the ability to even beat me on tests, but I also always used to get the sense she's holding back in order to be accepted by our classmates. In my personal opinion, I think despite your daughter's efforts, they've already caught on that she's gifted and different. It's just my opinion, but I think she might as well go all out academically. That's how it was for me, I was being bullied anyway, so I figured, why not just then get my "money's worth" so to speak. Kids are always going to bully those kids who are more gifted than them, because they are jealous. It sounds like your daughter has it all - she's good in sports and academics, and later on in high school she would be good at other extra-murals too. It's just my opinion, but maybe speak with her, and tell her not to miss out on what she is capable of. School is a stupid place with stupid customs and stupid social rules. She must transcend all that rubbish and not get caught up in it. One day when she gets a scholarship to a top university where she can socialize with real friends and smart young people like her, she will look back and say she was glad she changed her mind. In my personal opinion, she shouldn't try to win the affections of these so-called classmates. They won't be there in the future when her life and psyche is damaged because of what they did. She is a born winner and someone destined to reign in her own life. Personally, I believe these so-called classmates don't deserve her friendship. She will never tell you, but I'm sure it's them that are bullying her. That's not the kind of friends you want, and they disappear out of her life when she reaches the end of her schooling. She has to remember, if she gets B's and C's now instead of A's, one day when she's older and she regrets doing that (when these so-called friends have all dumped her and she's seen with her own eyes what low-lifes they truly are) she can never go back and change that. It's better to have tried to do your best than to live with the regret of "I know I had the ability and I could've did that better." |
![]() connect.the.stars
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![]() connect.the.stars
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