I am a disappointment/failure

Hi,

I'm currently in high school and I would say I'm quite average in terms of my grades. I know I could do better if I just tried hard enough and stop procrastinating and either leaving things to the very last moment or not doing them at all. But....I just can't bring myself to do the work. I think I'm either going online to distract myself so I don't need to do the work, or just too addicted to it. Goals and dreams, I have, but making the attempt to accomplish them isn't working out. No matter how small that goal is, like waking up at a certain time, I just can't do it. Well, I do wake up, but I go back to sleep. Some may say I probably just want attention or I'm just lazy, and that might be true. But the thing is, once you start telling to stop being like that or stop doing things wrong, my mind just automatically get mad at myself and keeps doing everything wrong. I get so angry at myself and I hate myself. I always thought it would have been better if I was never born or I could just die and millions of people wouldn't even care.Every day I could be doing something to change the way I am and achieve my dreams or at least be somewhat happy, but nothing is changing because I can't seem to do anything; anything at all. Procrastinating and such is normal, but it's ruining my life, my relationships with people, and myself. I just feel like a total failure for not trying hard enough and making my life difficult for myself. I don't have extreme anxiety because I distract myself using the computer. But once I do think of the things people might actually feel about me or judge me in ways that makes my self-esteem even lower than it already is, I cry. I cry where no one can see me so I don't have to deal with them trying to help me when to be honest I dont even know what the problem is. And I dont like being vulnerable around people because that means that they will judge me even harder or even worse pity me. I don't want the pity because I don't deserve it. I always compare myself to other people or try to be other people, that make me feel fake. I could be using all of this as an excuse to get attention or to get help or have someone tell me what to do. But because everything in my life feels like a lie I made up just to run away from things I have to deal with, makes me confused about who I am or remember things right. Even when I do try to be productive, I just cant. I start to compare myself to everyone/ everything( even a tree is more useful than I am), and I just stop what I'm doing and do something that makes my mind happy. This has become a habit. Excuses over excuses I'm running away from everything. I've become lazy and that is hurting me and my dreams. Every time, even when I'm out with friends, I feel worthless and stupid. I just cannot understand things as easily as my friends does. And I just hate myself for being jealous or start disliking my friend, that even though she was going through severe depression, was able to get back on two feet or is able to work hard. And now I'm in summer school, everything is so fast-paced. Last year, I was so productive and was one of the top students in my summer school course. Now, I cant even understand what the teacher is saying, and even though the teacher didnt explain a certain chapter well, my friends were able to figure it out all by themselves. Then there's me, who struggled to do one question for an hour and have to give up because I couldn't do it anymore, even when I tried looking up for reference. I keep making stupid mistakes. And you would think I would learn from them but those mistakes turn into major mistakes. I can't even study properly. When I try and write soo many things down into note form or make the notes really detailed. I can't even remember or understand what I wrote. And I'm really scared now. That I'm falling behind while all the people I know are close to the finish line, and I'm the one that's on my knees and trying not to be abandoned. I don't know what I can do to change myself anymore because I can't seem to try even when I really want to. Please help me.

THIS. IS. ME. OH GOOD HEAVENS. WE ARE EMOTIONAL/MENTAL CLONES. I can relate to almost every word and struggle you wrote.

Can you explain a little more about the trying to be like other people?
For me, I feel so empty inside because I don't think I have a good personality at all. With social anxiety, perfectionism, and depression or not, I feel like there was no one clever or smart or funny or creative or interesting to begin with. And I didn't know how I made any friends with this boring personality. I've lost them and I can't make new ones cause I'm a horrible person. I envied all of my friends' qualities that I admired and I would copy them or try to compete with them. Who could be the funniest or smartest or most witty or most playful and stuff? It was so horrible. I felt like I added nothing as a friend in my relationships. Like I could be replaced any day and that I didn't deserve the friends I had. I really do think that I bring the boring and worst out of other people. I'm just such a drag and so irrelevant and unoriginal. I hate it. And all of my opinions are stupid and boring.

The wildest thing about this copycat act I take on is that whenever I think, I can hear the original person's voice or I imagine what they would be doing in a certain situation. Like if i wanted to be weird, i would imagine someone from memory who embodied that quality. I could never just be weird because it was part of my personality...it always had to be because I want to copy a certain person. Same goes for funny or any other good quality. I don't know how to better explain it. So the voice in my head changes a lot and maybe it does for other normal people but it's annoying to me and it feels so fake like im always trying to hard to impress people. I can't express my troubles any better than that right now. Sorry if this response is stupid or whatever. ☺😕

And there are more ways I relate to your post but I'll mention those later maybe.

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Hi OrangeMasticator,

Your explanation is exactly how I feel when I say like other people. There is just no me in real life. It was all taken from the people I met as a child and embodied into one. I was a loner before because nobody wanted to be my friend and would be mean to me. So, I tried my hardest to act like them or act like someone they would like, and do my best to impress them so they wouldn't leave me. Then I developed a horrible personality. I would verbally bully the other kids, socially awkward kids, because that happened to me before. And I really regret doing those things. Because I acted the way I learnt from other people, I keep doing things that don't make me truly happy. It's all for someone else, to impress them so I could feel good about myself. But it's just getting so hard to please people these days. I have to think twice before I say something so I dont bore them or accidently offend them and ruin the relationship. I'm always called the "weird one" or the "random one" amongst my group of friends because that's just how I am able to act around anyone now; so they don't get bored of me. I just feel so fake and it hurts inside without people, that I know, know. I feel so isolated even though I have a family (who goes and do their own things; not really a typical family, and has expectations) and great friends. I just can't help but feel pressured into being someone I'm not or doing things that make me feel so fake. I remember there was a phase of mine where I acted or really did hate everyone because of the harsh truth of how the real world is like, but at the same time people would see me as a hypocrite. I can't blame them for it because while I still hate this world, I'm scared to leave it or scared to be alone. And now I can't even drop the summer course I am in because my mother won't allow me saying it would affect my records. And that hurts because even though I told her I was struggling she wouldn't allow me to stop something that is making me upset and not understanding my pain. The pain of always feeling like being left behind, the odd one of the group, of not able to do things as well as another person can. Even though at a young age I always felt weaker/stupider than someone and it made me unable to think straight or think right or having to think too much. Which is probably why I never kept a certain hobby; I get bored of it easily or don't want to do the hard work. And when I start to stuggle and dont like it, I would just give up. It's really childish, but it's become a problem, which is probably why I can't enjoy things now. I used to think nobody loved me, it's a bit better now but I'm still scared that people will come to hate me more than I think they do already. Heck I even thought I was adopted and that's why my family was messed up. I could never take a person's word for the truth because when I look at them I feel that they are pitying me without even understanding my pain. It just really hurts. And all I can do is distract myself and run away from my problems. I'm so disappointed with myself and I just don't want to do this anymore.

Yeah. Are u acting like someone now? Like do you remember ever feeling stable and whole and like independent personality wise? I feel like those times that I did feel good about myself, twas just a fluke...

I have some hobbies like dance and singing and writing but I have a problem being too perfectionistic about them ( thinking I'm not good enough or obsessing or every mistake or wanting to master things from the start) and that gets my depression and anxiety all riled up... it sucks.
I feel like I should say something funny now to balance out this post...but I can't think of anything.🤔


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If I'm making you feel worse...u can tell me to stop. I feel like im not helping u at all. 😓

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Not at all. I'm a perfectionist-ish too. If I cant do it right or knowing I won't do it well like the others I do a half-assed job of it so I can tell myself that if I try harder I will be better at it. But it just makes me feel even worse because everyone is better than I am. I give up when there's someone better than me and I use excuses, like I was tired, and just not do it anymore. I am actually really tired. of all this. And yea, every time I'm happy I have to ask myself if i really was or even when I'm sad I have to second guess everything, which is why I have horrible common sense and logic. I always think too much or too little and it wrecks me. Doesn't help either when you're surrounded by successful people, and even though they have problems with their life, you can't help but think that what could be worse than yours. Well, I know that there are lots of unfortunate people out there, but you just wonder that they are able to get on with life and work hard. But me, I'm just so worthless. I just sigh every day. Why can't I just be honest and do my best; stop running away; get help; to feel alive again. Sometimes I just want to end my life so badly or it just hurts so much to a point I can't deal with it any longer. Life is harsh because I made it that way. And changing is hard when I give up so early because I can't do anything right or the way I pictured it to. That every little thing I do is judged by someone that makes me feel like a failure. Everyone is biased in there own ways. It's even worse when teachers have their favorites and like to pick out the "bad" students, or even worse, to be never noticed or not worth being remembered by even when your friends are easily recognized. I just fail at ever thing I do and I just dont like failing or knowing I would fail. But sometimes I have to hand in work and do it last minute because I know that no matter how hard I tried I can't write as well as that person in the class. So every day seems like a game to me, one where I always lose and is trying the find the cheat code to win the game. Life isn't easy, I know, but why did I have to make it so hard?

Well I could go on and on... but if you are ever feeling too out of control or you wanna vent some mo', just hit me up. Idk. I can barely help myself and I'm horrible at cheering people up but i can be an outlet anytime. night-night...😴

:hug
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Haha thanks. Night!.

Dude, I totally get you. I've been in the American Behavioral Health System since I was 15 [It blows; now sure how it is in Canada, but it's awful here], and I'm a university student now... A "senior" by definition, but technically more like a junior or maybe a sophomore in my major. My freshman year went well, like you were saying you did great for a bit, but then everything just got bad. Couldn't make myself do anything, ended up just distracting myself online, would fall behind and have to struggle to get caught up, couldn't pay attention, felt like a failure, would compare myself to others, and mentally beat myself to holy hell...

I'm so sorry you're struggling this much, especially so young... I wish I could offer you some advice or guidance. If you can, maybe see a counselor, even at school? A lot of this sounds like it could be attributed to different mental health conditions. I may be a clinical psychology major, but I'm not an expert by any means. Take what I say with a grain of salt. I've just been there. I beat myself, still do, for little things. I'm a try hard by nature, so little slips and mistakes, and I'm absolutely ruthless and destroy my own self-esteem despite knowing it really isn't right. Anyone else does the same thing, and I understand completely and try to offer advice and compassion. I'm so objective... when it's not my own situation or psyche.

If you have questions or just someone to talk to, shot me a DM. I'm a little older, so maybe I can at least give you some tips that got me through some of the BS?

Best of luck, friend.

Motivation, desire to be succesful, discipline. It is something that puzzles me.

When I came out of middle school, my teachers adviced my parents to send me to special education, for people with mild retardedness or severe learning disorders/delays.

Now, 20 years later, I am doing a degree in physics at a top 50 university, and not quite excelling, but doing quite good.

And when I compare myself now to back then and look at my fellow students, it is still a mystery.

Some people just do things for their own sake. Some people are highly talented and have a drive that makes them stack work on top of work. Others are just high achievers. They have done well at anything they tried, so they keep trying to be very good at anything new, as it is normal for them.

There is one girl in particular that mystifies me in that respect. I have deep feelings for her and analyse her every move. But she skips almost anything that is not compulsary. She is very busy in student life/clubs/sonorities and she volenteers in her home town. I don't know what she does with all her time when she skips class. I doubt she is just hanging around, procrastinating. She has this luxurity because she is a genius that needs 1/5 of the effort most people in this physics program need.

But now she is working in her own time, full work days, in the middle of summer. What motivates her? Why she skip so many interesting classes, forcing her to risk a re-exam, when she can just pass it by being genius by just attending the lecture and paying attention half the time. And when I talk to most of my other students, they are beat-down by all the hard stuff they have to master. A lot of the passion about the subject is gone. Not for her. She seems to keep her motivation strong by not using it.

Then there's students who attent every class, fail everything. They must be in self-doubt, in panic-mode. They try their best, and fail. So when they try harder, and fail again, they know even more that this is because they are not smart enough.

I myself feel that my energy is also finite. I can still do it, but it is harder to focus and harder to keep being a high-achiever. I feel I am walking on my toes. But others are in cruise control, it seems. I have to go 3 years more, then 4 years PhD, then 2 to 4 years post-doc, then beg for my first real job, any job, when I am aged 45.
I also feel that I hyper-focus on academics too much and that when I nuture different interests, my academic performance may drop really far really quickly.
I feel like I am achieving above my worth through autism-linked hyperfocus. Without it, most of my classmates are smarter than me, and 10 years younger, and most have better soft skills with 10 years less life experience.

So yeah, it is hard. In the eyes of my fellow students, I am breezing through. But I have come such a long way, and I can't explain where motivation comes from.
I always felt that for most people it came from fear, and greed for money and/or prestige. And I lack, or lacked, both.

I always felt that if I can't be a winner, I won't be a loser when I don't try to be a winner. But now I believe you don't have the freedom to decide that.

Thing is, you say you beat yourself up about it. If you weren't even doing that, then it's truly hopeless. You may be able to reshape your thinking pattern in some way that you don't beat up yourself about it later, because you do care, but use the energy at the right time to get the work done.