[needyoumorethanme25]

Hi, I would write down my life story and everything I have done to finally get here and realize whats wrong with me, but I need help right now. I can get to that once I get comfortable and stop the urge. Right now, I am trying to stop being dependent on my ex wife (both female). I want to text her so badly. It is a very crippling unwanted desire. There are many reasons I keep wanting to contact too much to go into, because I just need support and help to stop the urge I am feeling right now. I didn't realize how crazy I was in the relationship until now. I should be too embarrassed to contact her, but my mind will not stop the urge no matter what I do. I want to move on from her and stop obsessing about her. Please help. I don't even know how you could. I am in tears right now as I write this, because I don't want to contact her I don't want to feel this way. I want to let go. Any tips and ideas? Keeping busy has not been working, as my mind is just preoccupied with it.

[SophiaG]

The only thing i can tell you is that you are probably grieving her absence right now. You're probably used to contacting her andhaving her in your life so it is normal for you to seek that old comfort.

Your life will be different now without her, you'll have to learn to adjust to her absence and then fill that absence with something else, but I do realize that some people are unable to do this. We can't all be the same. Parents never get over the loss of their child usually. I mean I don't want to see you get stuck in this, so, i guess, just focus on the other people in your life right now to try to fill the void.

She will always be with you, in your heart and it might sound like i am speaking about her as if she is dead, and in a way she is.

Don't be too hard on yourself during this time. Do try to fight the urge to contact her. Breakups are hard, divorces are one of the most stressful things that adults have to deal with.

[needyoumorethanme25]

Thanks for the reply I may have put this in the wrong place which is annoying, I know and I'm sorry for that. I did not contact her today. Here is a bit of history now that I have calmed down! lol She moved out a year ago it was a crazy crazy relationship. I was dependant, quiet borderline, doormat, jealous. You name it. Push pull relationship. She is a trauma sexual abuse survivor and has her own string of awefulness. The end result was two people who loved eachother very much without the tools to express that and get along. And it was an explosive relationship especially at the end. I don't have anyone else. That's part of the problem. See I never have. I moved alot, never made friends, I have one shallow like relationship right now, and there are no family ties. I am just now realizing how things in my childhood affected me. Things I did that I didn't realize I had a problem with. It started with wanting to stop the paranoia, obsession and jealousy. Then I kept learning more and more. One of the things I have no identity I have no clue who I am. It started with my mother lying about my ethnicity because I am part black and she was ashamed. And many other factors. One of the most disturbing things I have learned that I do is mirroring. I change drastically rapid personality changes so other will love me. And masking who I really am. To that point I have lost my identity completely. I have forgotten what little part of me was even real. I need help, and I don't even know where to begin.

[TerryL]

Start at the core of your pain which sounds like the relationship with your mother. I used to mirror a lot myself. I had such low self esteem. I don't even know why. I didn't think who I was was good enough to be shown. My dad used to say I was only myself when I was on the phone. It only stopped when my mother died and I was so consumed with pain and guilt that it stripped away all my masks. I did not have the energy to pretend any more. I hope it doesn't take such a drastic situation for you to reveal your true self. You know who you are deep down. you just have to believe that it is okay to be yourself. It took me decades to get to where I am. I hope you get there a little faster. Life is so short. Wishing you well Terry

[turquoisesea]

just wanted to welcome you to PC, and I think the others have given good advice. I don't have too much to add, except that sometimes when a task seems too huge to accomplish, its good to break it down into mini steps. Are there some habits you want to get rid of? Can you pick some days that you are NOT allowed to do these things, can you add some positive things to your schedule? Can you promise yourself that you will go out with some other friend at LEAST ONCE a week (or whatever goal you want) to start establishing healthy friendships?

ps you mentioned that you weren't sure this thread was in the right place - if you want it moved you could always PM a moderator or admin =) we're here to help

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by needyoumorethanme25

One of the things I have no identity I have no clue who I am. It started with my mother lying about my ethnicity because I am part black and she was ashamed. And many other factors. One of the most disturbing things I have learned that I do is mirroring. I change drastically rapid personality changes so other will love me. And masking who I really am. To that point I have lost my identity completely. I have forgotten what little part of me was even real. I need help, and I don't even know where to begin.

I'm not sure if this will help you reveal yourself....but if you keep hiding your true self, how will the people who would love that person find you? I know that it is easy to say though and very hard to do. I remember always having to remind myself to be myself and finding it so hard to do. Maybe if you just hold on to this mantra " this is who I am. I know I cannot click with everyone, no on can, but I will be nice to you so I hope that you will be nice to me. I will honor myself, and honor you, but being myself, it's what I deserve, and it is what you deserve".

and, most importantly, if you can, have a gentle heart to heart with your mother about what you think is her shame over your race. the hurt you must have felt. Racial attitudes have changed over the years and maybe some things can get cleared up and healed. Your other troubles with your ex should fall into perspective if you heal the source of your hurt. Wishing you well--Terry

[buddhablessd]

I find it helpfull to write the text or message on paper but dont send it. Write down everything you want to say, and read it to someone else, or re-read it later when you are in a different place, mentally,emotionally,and physically.
Buddha wisdom.