From The Ground Up

Today I broke down in tears in front of my family. I told them how I felt like a loser. How I have the capacity to control my life but I'm not strong enough to follow through. My father told me that I should make a schedule to help me get on track. Ever since I was hospitalized for depression and anxiety back in 2013 I have been "trying" to establish a schedule. Never has it worked out.

I told him that the biggest change I've made in the past six months was cleaning my room. He corrected me. He reminded me that I have already made a big change in my life. Ever since my junior year of high school I have been pursuing a career in the field of nursing. I am a registered care giver and certified nursing assistant. After high school I got a job working at an amazing Alzheimer/Dementia care home, or community as we preferred to call it. I lasted exactly one month in that job.

The special kind of stress involved with that job proved too much. So I resigned. I had an anxiety attack at work. Going back to work there knowing the potential for me to have another break down proved too much.

Truthfully, ever since my clinicals during my senior year of high school, I knew this field of work was not right for me. I had invested so much time already in this pursuit and my best friends were also pursuing nursing, I lied to myself and chocked up those feelings to nerves.

I'm not lying to myself anymore. I know nursing is not for me. I cancelled all my college courses and quit my job to get a fresh start. It takes a lot to admit the course your on is the wrong one.

That was the biggest change I've made in the past six months; not cleaning my room. My dad reminded me that I do have the capacity for genuine change.

Here I am now. I need to have structure. That's something I learning from my hospitalization. Structure is good. In the past I've set my goals far too big and unrealistic. Now, I'm making a change and doing something I haven't done before:

My schedule consists of waking up at 7:00 AM, showering right after I wake up, and going to bed at 10:00 PM. My goal is to do this for one day, tomorrow. I'll update you tomorrow at around the same time I posted this, letting you know how I did at my goals.

Truly, I'm changing my life with that simple goal. For the first time, I'm trying something completely different.

I'm rebuilding my life from the ground up.

It really does take a lot to change paths but good job in making that change! I am in a similar situation and have really wrestled with it but in the end we have to be true to ourselves or it's not going to work. Good luck to you!

Hi TheyCallMeChimi, it is really good that you were able to share the way you felt with your family. It can take a lot to talk about those kinds of feelings and to reach out for support, so good on you, a real sign of strength!!
And it sounds like they're pretty supportive, so maybe pull them in on helping/motivating you to follow your schedule and even adapting or adding to it as time goes along??
And it can take time to get used to schedules.........so one step at a time, yes??
No overstretching yourself, but no underestimating yourself either??!! All in your own time, and go with what feels right for you.
And as for giving up on the goal of nursing..........absolutely don't see that as a failure (!!), it's just like you said.........it just wasn't right for you. And it will be the same for plenty of people without the problems you were having. Different people just suit different things. And you know there will be jobs that different people in the nursing profession think would be way to stressful for them, yet someone who couldn't do nursing for that reason, does with the very minimum of stress.
Just really good that you've been brave enough to stand up so soon and say........there's got to be something better for me out there. And who knows you might end up back on the nursing road or caring road at some point in your life, or maybe not........maybe you'll find another passion that really does it for you. But you've got time, OK??!!
You're still young and there's going to be lots out there to try/to explore.
But right now, it's more about a bit more self-care, getting to feeling better about yourself, and working through the things that have been holding you back and getting support with that.........and I can see you're on the road to that!!
One step at a time............and great goals you're kicking off with!!!!

Alison

Update 1/20/2015
Thank you to those nice words and messages everyone. I did it. I forced myself to bed and actually got up. I thought this was going to be breeze. Not exactly. Though anything will take getting used to. With one big check mark on Sunday, I extended my goal through Wednesday.

The mornings and nights are what I would call successful. I wouldn't really put the same descriptor on the days. I've just been sitting around. Yesterday I felt the sensation of being mentally numb. I know this is an area I need to address. Yet, I'm hesitant to. Mostly this is because I don't know how to. Without a doubt I can't set a strict A to B schedule. At least not right now. When I get behind on those types of schedules the whole day seems to collapse, and the schedule is abandoned. I need something small and flexible. I recognize that tv and electronics are a force that just sucks me in. Knowing that, I'm going to try today by not setting a schedule. Today I'm going to have electronic/lazy sessions no longer than 30 minutes at a time. The hard part is being honest and recognizing your own faults.

Thankfully tomorrow, I won't have to worry about doing nothing until I'm numb. My uncle, who has been brain damaged since birth, is getting dental surgery done. He'll need someone to watch him and help him through the anesthesia. My grandmother, who he lives with, is battling a white matter degeneration condition, so as much as she'll try to help someone else in the family will have to step in. Being the most experienced in the realm of care, I'll be spending the day with my uncle.

I know the saying is to take one day at a time. I can't really do that. Honestly, when a hard day is over, the one day at a time approach seems to overwhelm me. I start to worry if the one day will be like the tough today. So I'm going to try an incremental approach to my goal setting. I started with one day. Now I'm moving up to three days. If or when I meet that goal I'll bump my goal perspective up to a week. The key is to live in the today.

Its difficult to follow your own advice sometimes. Ever since high school ended, the majority of my friends have gone off on religious missions or joined the military. To every one I've said the same thing, "You can only fall as far as how high you're willing to climb." I intended this to mean that if you fail, it only is a sign that you have the capacity to achieve. I've fallen many times. At the very least, I know, somewhere inside me, there is that capacity to succeed.

Until next time,
TheyCallMeChimi

Hi TheyCallMeChimi, congrats and well done on achieving your goal!!!
And great approach you have to moving it on, not too much too soon but enough to just "stretch yourself". So at your own pace, hey??
And tomorrow..........well you sound like the perfect candidate for supporting your uncle, so great that you were chosen (or got volunteered??) !! And maybe trying to throw all your focus on him will help you too.
And you know, sometimes if you "fail" at something..........it doesn't mean you've failed, it just means you haven't quite got there just YET. And nothing wrong with that at all, no-one can be perfect, no-one can live up to ALL "expectations" even (sometimes especially!!) one's they have of themselves. So just an opportunity to reassess the situation and paths you may need to take to get yourself there.........e.g. make those goals more managable or "realistic", break them up into smaller steps..............
And if it's just not happening you can always come to the decision that this just isn't suiting me, it doesn't need to be my "fault"..........let's decide on something that suits me better........and "back in the saddle" on working towards something you might want to be doing/something meaningful to you
Just a thought..............
Anyway.............GREAT progress and best wishes for today/tomorrow!!!!

Alison