[Perna]

Okay, we had our own most productive self-help idea, how about most productive suggestion someone else gave you?

My stepmother and I never quite got along but I still remember when she told me something about myself and then felt she had to add, "that's just an observation, not a criticism". At the time, still felt like a criticism :-) but after a whole lot of therapy I now understand what she meant and can tell the two apart :-) Sometimes I even find it helpful to remind myself that others may just be telling me what they "see" not judging me.

[Junerain]

What a good idea...

the most productive suggestion someone else gave me was not quite a suggestion per se, it was an observation my best friend made about my personality..

I slowly let my new friend into my world, all my thoughts and feelings....previously when I would confide in someone the way I saw the world I would get labeled as '...weird..' '..psycho..' or '..over-analytical..'

But my friend Heather said, "Junerain, your personality is FASCINATING!!"

I felt so understood, so heard, so intrinsically valued.

[Wants2Fly]

It's not really a suggestion, so much as observing others. In graduate school, I saw how professors worked together to improve each other's work, and how suggestions were not taken defensively. It gave me a different perspective on what criticism means and how it can be used constructively.

[Wants2Fly]

Another role modeling example was that of my spiritual mentor. She was an outgoing, wonderful woman, and yet she had such a secure sense of self that she could assert her boundaries without being unpleasant or abrasive. I still strive to this day to emulate her in that regard.

Here is my favorite Ginny story. She was active in a small religious denomination for all of her adult life, and her husband was a minister. She worked very hard with him to build a little congregation for a church that did not survive their departure when he retired.

After he was dead and she was in her late 70s, a church starting up about an hour's drive away called and asked her to give the Sunday morning services. She said no. She no longer wanted that kind of long commute.

Apparently, the woman gushed over a good deal, concluding with, "But you have so much to give."

"I know, and I gave it," said Ginny.

wants, that is wonderful! and it's something that we all can remember.......

the best suggestion that i've ever had concerned my photography and basically what it is was "if they don't like my photographs, _______'em".(i thought i was taking photographs to please others and the instructor assured me that i wasn't doing that) i took it and ran with it and when it worked so well with the photography, i applied it to my own life and don't worry as much as i did about how everyone would "see" me........xoxoxo pat

[Wants2Fly]

So that's it? That's all the self-help ideas we can come up with? That's pretty sad.

"Not everything is about you," my T said. "Everyone brings their own baggage to the table."

Someone may be acting out towards you in anger, yet are really angry that their spouse just left them, or they can't pay the bills, or their father physically abused them as a child.

A snide remark. An innuendo. Our baggage is carried wherever we go and sometimes we are totally unaware.

It's not always about me. It's not always about me. It's not always about me.

[Wants2Fly]

Good one, Petunia. Another mentor, along similar lines, once said, "Sometimes the other person is wrong."

Oooooh. That's a good one too.

[Juliana]

When I was in my early 20s, a therapist said to me...

"You so busy looking at the top of the mountain, you're not seeing the flowers along the trail and you're tripping on the rocks right under your feet."

I was in a place where I was constantly worrying about the future... and getting anxious and upset when things didn't go according to my plans. That therapist and I worked on finding ways for me to focus more on the here and now and take things one day at a time. Her metaphor about the mountain resonated with me and I learned to let go of trying to micro-manage and plan every step of my future.

my good friend, Cynthia, told me that we all star in our own movies. i digested that and it makes a lot of sense. sometimes it causes us to be unable to help others or even help ourselves. i stop myself and ask is this "my movie" or "our movie"?

[Juliana]

I like that analogy too, Pat.

Part of the reason I broke up with the guy I was engaged to in college is because I felt like I was the best supporting actress in a movie... and he had the starring role. That's not the kind of life I wanted. He didn't put me in that role. I put myself in that role. I allowed myself to get lost in that relationship and I needed to get out to find myself again... and star in my own movie.

Have you ever read the novel "Fifth Business" by Robertson Davies? The fifth business refers to a character in an opera who has no opposite: the odd man out—neither heroine nor her lover, rival nor villain—yet is essential to the plot. I decided I didn't want to be the fifth business in anyone else's plot.

Another book that touched on this theme for me was "Martin Sloane" by Michael Redhill. It's sort of the opposite side of the coin. It's about remembering that most people are the stars of their own movie and the things we do aren't as important to them as we think they are. We sometimes blame ourselves for other people's reactions to us... because we think everything is ABOUT us... but usually, it's about them. Blaming ourselves and putting ourselves down because another person doesn't love us or doesn't treat us the way we want them to is incredibly self-centred. Do we really think we have that sort of importance in another's mind? When we do that, we're not allowing any room for their thoughts and reasons and history and internal life, etc. When we believe that we're that essential... that who we are and what we are is all that matters... we're forgetting something very important. We're forgetting that it's often true that it really isn't US... it's THEM.

For instance, there have been wonderful men who have been in love with me and I haven't loved them back. There's nothing wrong with them... The issue is with me. I don't feel passionate about men who are well-adjusted and have everything going for them. I'm drawn to a bit of a dark side... a bit of angst. So, if I reject a good-looking, kind, hard-working man... It's not about him; it's about me.

I have to try to remind myself of this when I don't get what I want or expect from other people.

[ozzie]

My District Sales Manager says we need to have a dream and take steps towards achieving it. I find that to be true in sales, but also in my daily life. I simply feel better if I have a goal and a plan for reaching it.

[(JD)]

in Al-Anon, you're taught that you're aren't nearly as important to the user/addict as you think you are. it's a good lesson. you're sitting home, stewing and being miserable, and they aren't giving you a thought. i try to apply that to everyday happenings. the world may be my oyster but that oyster ain't revolving around me!

i'll check out both books. they sound very interesting.....i, too, am drawn to the darker sides of men. i could have that picket fence, but i'd be so busy trying to jump it......so what good could come from that? when Willie Nelson hired me, he told me that he saw no fear in my eyes when i looked at him......not as in being afraid of him, just no fear. i liked that.

[drclay]

Wise posters:

I read over this thread. I must have come here to briefly read posts because some seemed familiar. Anyway, I just wanted to say I was impressed with the wisdom that was taken from the suggestions of others.

It reminds me of the value we can often take from wise sayings, such as:

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies, succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough; give the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway. -----Mother Teresa

drclay

For learning to listen:

My sister was always giving unsolicited advice. When her daughter was having some problems in her marriage she wanted to talk about she came to me after going to her mom because mom wasn't listening, but was giving advice. So my neice and I would ask one another at the start, "Do you want advice or do you want me just to listen?". It taught me that listening to let the other person be heard is different than listening to gather information and offer advice.

[Perna]

Oh, wow, DrClay, Mother Teresa said that? I like General Ferdinand Foch's (French, WWI, 1st Battle of the Marne) different way of saying it :-)

"My center is giving way, my right is in retreat; situation excellent. I shall attack."

[Perna]

Oh, Echoes, what a wonderful "mistake" to come from your mother's advice-giving.

My stepmother often was sarcastic and putting me down and I still remember when I had to call a department store (back in the 60's) for something and she was in the room and when I finished she immediately said, "You sound so sweet on the phone!" a back-handed compliment if I've ever heard one but still, I instinctively knew I could "trust" it and that "somewhere" in me there was a pleasant talker I hadn't known about and could count/build on in the future :-)

[Irine]

hmm..i always get sugessions.....
almost every day. becasue i ask all the time. the one i aks ALWAYS gives you the best advice..so...
it was like:
"why can`t i function like a normal student? why don`t i do everyhting on time and don`t do a good work??"

-" you have to free yourself from your expectations. you START doing good work. the dicipline and the good work come from freedom and from love to the things we are doing. not from fear, stress and self threatening.

[AlteredState01]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I now understand what she meant and can tell the two apart :-) Sometimes I even find it helpful to remind myself that others may just be telling me what they "see" not judging me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Oooh, I can so relate! It's the "sting" of hearing the truth!! (oh, sorry, maybe that's just for me...)

Sometimes the truth hurts, but if I can have that all-to-fleeting moment of truth with myself, the sting does go away. It even opens me up to the one who is just trying to be, well, honest. No judgements, just the facts.

I think of how easy it is, sometimes, for I to take the advice of T's and Psychs and all the other "keepers of sanity" that we talk to, yet fail to see that those around us might just be trying to help, even though it is coming from someone with whom we do not get along - those are the ones that have the biggest sting!

Um... I may have got off course here, but I thought that this suggestion was a really cool one to consider...

AS

Perna that is so good that you felt you could trust that, given that it came from her. You could believe it. I think that's amazing.

ECHOES