[Hope4me2]

right now I feel like it is raining so hard on my life. I had a rough session this past Friday with my therapist. Not that he did anything wrong it was the subject that we talked about. Alittle about me.... I was sexually abused/raped when I was 7yrs old by my brother. I am now 47 and married with 3 grown kids. Going through counseling these last 3 years has been hard. But it has taken these last three years to build the trust between me and this man. But I just LOVE him and I have NEVER been this close to any man before not even my husband. He is a special therapist that is for sure. But we are just now getting into the sex part of my therapy. I want to have a healthy normal sex life with my husband, whom I have not had sex with for 2 yrs now since we both went into therapy together to work through all of this mess of our life. He is being so patient and understanding. More then me that is for sure. I am not so patient with myself. I feel I should be further along. I HATE myself so much.
I cannot look my therapist in the face either, I have not been able to for the last 3 years. I feel so ashamed of myself and dirty . I know I have no reason to feel that way around him he has NEVER given me a reason to feel that way but I just do.
This past Friday when I left his office I felt so bad for talking to him about sexual things, I felt so dirty and bad. I wanted to call him and still do but I do not want to seem like a BIG baby.
I just need to vent and thank goodness I found this place. I want to cut so bad tonight, I need toooooooooooo so bad, I need the release. I have been cutting since I was 15. The longest I have went without has been 2-3 weeks with my therapist help. But I always fail and slip back. Just like tonight I need to so bad. HELP me please........talk to me.....when is the chat room open?

Well, it seems that you are new, so first off welcome to the forums!! I hope you find some help or comfort here. Second of all, the chat is open 24/7/365. Even if no one is in there, you can go in there and someone would come along eventually if you need to talk.

Anways, slip ups are okay. It happens. I know about feeling dirty. I was raped a few years ago by my boyfriends best friend, and not a single person believed me. Sometimes just thinking about it makes me feel dirty. And yeah, it hurts talking about it, but the T is there to help you. And if you need him, call him. That doesn't make you a baby, just saying you want something better than this, you don't want to feel like this anymore, you want him to help. And that's what he's supposed to do.

I hope this helps..best wishes

K

Welcome Hope. I'm so glad you found us. There are so very many wonderful people here. I to am a survivor of sexual abuse, so I know how difficult it is to even think about it, much less speak the words. Remember one thing... you're in therapy and you're beginning to talk about it. You're actively taking steps towards a better life for you. Congratulations are in order for that. I have been cutting since I was about 13 or so. I'm 26 now. There have been times where I went without, only to fail again. The thing to remember is that cutting can easily become an addiction, so stopping can be extremely difficult. There's about a million and a half things I do to distract myself when I'm being nailed with the urges. Watch a movie or TV show I like and can really get into. Excercise. Read a book that I have to concentrate. Call a someone I haven't talked to in a while (that way there's a lot to talk about). Participate in any hobby that you enjoy so that you can keep your hands busy. And if the urge gets too bad, you can take a rubber band and wrap it around your wrist and pop it. It's hurts really bad but it's not cutting. That one has helped me a lot. Granted it's still a form of SI, but it's better than cutting. I hope some of these distractions will work for you. Please take good care of yourself and talk to us when you're in trouble.

ryan

[Hope4me2]

Thanks for the replies.......I made it through the night without doing anything...thanks to this site. I kept my hands busy ryan...trying to get my icons and signatures and others things up on my profile going...cool huh? this place is neat. I was searching the internet for free icons and animated graphics too just to keep my mind busy. Anything helps. I really am nervous about seeing my Therapist tomorrow. Tomorrow is my day I go by myself to see him, it is my therapy day alone....where we just work on me.....so I am VERY nervous to face him after what we talked about on Friday...ugh going to be hard...might have to call him tonight to get a pep talk to help me go tomorrow...he is good about that..
My anxiety is HIGH today........I am nervous and shaking and cant sit still but my xanax is helping some...I will take a nap later maybe.....
well thanks for the warm welcome and encouraging words....see yas around the boards.... take care

HOPE

((((((((((Hope))))))))))

That's great that you got through the night. You need a pat on the back for that but you'll have to do it yourself since my arms won't reach. Keep up that good work.

ryan

[silver_queen]

I agree... I think it's great that you made it through the night without SI-ing. The urges are so difficult to fight sometimes. Feel free to go in chat if you want some support, or post on the forums - hopefully it will help you get through if you're feeling the urge again.

[silver_queen]

www.lifesigns.co.uk/ has quite a lot of good info on SI, including distraction techniques.

www.selfinjury.com

Some good information to be found there about the nature of this beast. Miss Silver, I couldn't get that link to work.

ryan

[Overcastbutclearing]

Hope,
Be proud you made it through the night.
That is a great accomplishment.
Hope you will call your T if the urge/desire becomes too strong...
Try taking a rubber band around your wrist and each time you want to cut just pull on it...This has helped me in the past.
Best wishes!
Susan

[Hope4me2]

thanks for the link
I also could not get the other one to work either Miss Silver but thanks anyways for trying.

[silver_queen]

Yeah, I put the wrong address down . It's http://www.lifesigns.org.uk/