[Indie'sOK]

Ok, so today I went to T to talk more about my SI. I told her that, last night when I went to do it, I couldn't bring myself to do it as much as I usually do. It just doesn't seem as worth it anymore, because it's hard for me to hide, and I hate having to explain to people why I always wear bandages. But the thing is, for some strange reason, part of me doesn't want to stop. Part of me doesn't even want to get better. I don't know why. It's like a strange sense of thrill and relaxation when I do it. I miss it already... I know I've posted a similar thread before, so just ignore this one if you want to.

[Miracle1986]

(((IndieSoul)))

[dance59326]

Ok, so today I went to T to talk more about my SI. I told her that, last night when I went to do it, I couldn't bring myself to do it as much as I usually do. It just doesn't seem as worth it anymore, because it's hard for me to hide, and I hate having to explain to people why I always wear bandages. But the thing is, for some strange reason, part of me doesn't want to stop. Part of me doesn't even want to get better. I don't know why. It's like a strange sense of thrill and relaxation when I do it. I miss it already... I know I've posted a similar thread before, so just ignore this one if you want to.

Yes, self injury is hard to get away from because it's like a drug, you get addicted to it so even when you don't really find it worth while to do it again. The scars are really hard to hide because they will be on your body for what feels like eternity. I know exactly what you mean when you have to explain to people why you always wear bandages. The strange sense of thrill and relaxation are occuring because the natrual pain killers are what you are "addicted" to. I know how hard it is to stop. I have made about 50-75 scars, it was so hard to stop, but if you try to distract yourself with anything else, you can eventually break the habit. Another reason why you don't want to stop or "get better" is because when you self-harm, the rush of the chemical messengers to your brain create that great instant relief, causing you to not make much progress. Keep me updated, I really care about you. PM me anytime if you need anything, I'm always open to listen, give advice, and help give anyone the support that they need.

Best of wishes and hope,
dance59326

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by dance59326

Ok, so today I went to T to talk more about my SI. I told her that, last night when I went to do it, I couldn't bring myself to do it as much as I usually do. It just doesn't seem as worth it anymore, because it's hard for me to hide, and I hate having to explain to people why I always wear bandages. But the thing is, for some strange reason, part of me doesn't want to stop. Part of me doesn't even want to get better. I don't know why. It's like a strange sense of thrill and relaxation when I do it. I miss it already... I know I've posted a similar thread before, so just ignore this one if you want to.

Yes, self injury is hard to get away from because it's like a drug, you get addicted to it so even when you don't really find it worth while to do it again. The scars are really hard to hide because they will be on your body for what feels like eternity. I know exactly what you mean when you have to explain to people why you always wear bandages. The strange sense of thrill and relaxation are occuring because the natrual pain killers are what you are "addicted" to. I know how hard it is to stop. I have made about 50-75 scars, it was so hard to stop, but if you try to distract yourself with anything else, you can eventually break the habit. Another reason why you don't want to stop or "get better" is because when you self-harm, the rush of the chemical messengers to your brain create that great instant relief, causing you to not make much progress. Keep me updated, I really care about you. PM me anytime if you need anything, I'm always open to listen, give advice, and help give anyone the support that they need.

Best of wishes and hope,

dance59326

Thank you I know one of my possible reasons for not wanting to get better, but it's going to sound like I want attention. I'm scared to stop, because then I'll be that much closer to termination. This is something I don't want to talk about, cannot talk about. I like my T a lot, and I hate so much the fact that I inevitably have to leave her. I know this sounds like a petty want for attention, but it's how I feel.

[dance59326]

How long have you been seeing your T?

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by dance59326

How long have you been seeing your T?

A little over 2 months.

[skeksi]

I'm scared to stop, because then I'll be that much closer to termination.

I understand this feeling. Embracing change and healing is scary, because it means leaving behind the life we know and the supports we have reached out to grab, like T.

Would it help if I tell you that I haven't SIed in well over a year and I still go to T? Needing help, and relying on therapy, is not dependent on being "sick" or doing things like self-harm. Lots of people go to therapy just need someone to bounce things off of, to get insight into life.

I encourage you to share these feelings with your T. They are good feelings, they show you are becoming attached to your T and see the relationship as something that is good and safe. These are good things in T!

You are doing great in fighting the SI. Getting tired of it, and the effects of it, is the biggest step.

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by skeksi

I understand this feeling. Embracing change and healing is scary, because it means leaving behind the life we know and the supports we have reached out to grab, like T.

Would it help if I tell you that I haven't SIed in well over a year and I still go to T? Needing help, and relying on therapy, is not dependent on being "sick" or doing things like self-harm. Lots of people go to therapy just need someone to bounce things off of, to get insight into life.

I encourage you to share these feelings with your T. They are good feelings, they show you are becoming attached to your T and see the relationship as something that is good and safe. These are good things in T!

You are doing great in fighting the SI. Getting tired of it, and the effects of it, is the biggest step.

That means a lot to me, thank you

[dance59326]

Originally Posted by IndieSoul

But the thing is, for some strange reason, part of me doesn't want to stop. Part of me doesn't even want to get better. I don't know why. It's like a strange sense of thrill and relaxation when I do it. I miss it already... I know I've posted a similar thread before, so just ignore this one if you want to.

It's ok, hurting youself can become very addicting. The feeling of the rush and relief after doing it is causing you to not want to get better because it is your comfort to help relieve your external issues that are hurting your emotional side. When you experience too much external emotional things for you to handle, it creates that "strange sense of thrill and relaxation" because that is what soothes you. the best thing to do is to be honest with your therapist so that you can work together to come up with a plan that will be the most helpful for your individual needs.
PM me anytime, I'm always open to chat and support and please try to stay safe.
I really care about you, take it easy and if it helps, try to talk things out
dance59326

[DoggyBonz]

Originally Posted by IndieSoul

Thank you I know one of my possible reasons for not wanting to get better, but it's going to sound like I want attention. I'm scared to stop, because then I'll be that much closer to termination. This is something I don't want to talk about, cannot talk about. I like my T a lot, and I hate so much the fact that I inevitably have to leave her. I know this sounds like a petty want for attention, but it's how I feel.

Wow, you are stating exactly the way I felt for so long. You are not petty or wanting attention - you are human and there was a reason that you started SI'ing as a way to cope. I was so scared of terminiating that I thought I was SI'ing et... for that reason. When I finally told my T that it was such a relief, like a big secret had been told. I felt like I was the only one but I found out that I was not alone.

I don't think that you want to stay "sick" I think you just want to feel comfort and safety - please talk to your T about it and find out how "normal" that is...

I really think that you can create a plan with your T that when the time is right and you feel ready to leave...you feel safe...then you will start the process of slowly going towards the door. I wish that I could give you a dose of the comfort that my T gave me; it's ok to be where you are at and taking steps to find healthier behaviors does not have to mean that you are losing things in your life it could mean that you are finding new freedoms.

[Indie'sOK]

Thank you everyone for your heartfelt replies. It means a lot to me I hope that, in time, I'll be able to tell her everything...and that I'll someday be ready to leave. I'll keep you updated