I think I'm coming "undone" again...

I was doing really bad awhile ago...then it was kinda like i was in pause...not bad..not good

now it's like over the past week or so things are building up.

Tonight ... it's all bad. i'm here writing this trying not to go do something stupid to myself...b/c i'm so frustrated and angry.

i'm sitting here crying which is only making me more pissed off and angry.

I hate that!

I can't even say wtf is wrong b/c i can't even stand it... i can't say what is triggering me cuz i can't even handle this %#@&#! anymore really.

I'm so sick of dealing with lawyers ... i can't even go on with this crap.

Sorry i'm just making no sense now..and wasting your time.

sorry.

u r NEVER wasting my time! I am here to listen to anyone who needs an ear. You can PM me anytime or keep posting in the forum. We all care for you-here we are all a part of this "forum family." Please do not be discouraged abou posting....post all u need!

{{{{{{{{Eva}}}}}}}}}}

You're never wasting our time here. I'm glad you posted when you needed to, and hope that you start feeling better very soon. Keep posting as much as you feel like. We're here, and I know I can relate to stuff building up like that. That is so frustrating! It's no fun at all! It has to go somewhere. Sometimes exercise is the best thing I can do when I feel like that.

Take Care,
Love,
Rap

(((((((((((((((Eva))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so bad recently. It's tough when things become overwhelming so suddenly like that. I hope you succeed in holding out. Feel free to PM me if ever you want to talk.

(((((Eva)))))

I feel for ya. Sorry I can't say anything more productive, as I too am in a bit of a funk, but please please please PM me if you need anything.

i'm so sorry that you felt so bad yesterday. i hope that this new day finds you in a better place.....xoxoxo pat i'm off towork now, but will be here this evening...xoxoxo pat

((((((( Halliebeth)))))))))) Ty .... it's good to hear that...b/c I may be doing that over the next few days ... i have so much going on it's hurting my head and it has nowhere to go.

****

(((((((((((( Rap )))))))))))) Ty ... like you said i'm glad it's not wasted here ..and I'm glad you can relate ..I appreciate that. I can't exercise ..I'm not healthy tho and I don't eat really all that much either. I'm going today to talk to my pdoc to get my meds checked although that's not why the outburst last night.

I need therapy tho because of what is going on, but I'm sure I'll be posting later for some relief ...ty again.

****

(((((((((( Silver ))))))))))) ty ... you are always so thoughtful and concerned for others and I know you have so much going on .. just knowing you care means a lot ..ty so much.

****

((((((((( yes )))))))))) ty for caring ... i often have you on my mind cuz i can relate to you when I was young ..you're so filled with energy and I hope your gonna be ok. Ty so much for checking on me.. you know you can pm me to anytime.

****

((((((( pat )))))))) ty... not a better place .. just need to get certain big situations under control ...and my meds corrected. My brain can't handle all these things happening at once and then I feel like things are spilling out of my head...like i'm forgetting my thoughts and I'm afraid of it. I need to write important stuff down or I'll forget it.

I have problems w/my b/f and I had to write down stuff that happened b/t us over the past few weeks ..more detailed the last week ...for fear of forgetting..then feeling like I'm the crazy one... and then writing a mock conversation I need to have so that I don't lose my thoughts, but also cuz i need to get this out of my mind.

I don't know if I'm making any sense and this is only one lil issue. I have big issues w/my ex and my son that drive me insane.

I'm gonna stop now.

Thanks tho.

This was good tho..cuz i didn't hurt myself...although i'm not eating, but at least i didn't cut..so that is good still.

(((((((((((eva))))))))))))))

I hope you can hold out for longer and i hope you feel better soon. YOu're in my thoughts...pm me anytime if oyu need me.

Claire

*safe hugs* Hope things are getting better for you...

(((Eva)))

Heh, I remind you of when you were younger? I hope that's a good thing.

That's awesome that you didn't end up cutting...I'm proud of you! Neither did I last night, so we should feel extra special today. Of course, you should try and eat something...

I hope things start to turn out better for you. Remember that nothing lasts forever.

((((((( Claire ))))))))) (I'm calling you by your names you leave b/c I think that's ok ..if it's not lemme know.)

thanx for responding ..and for offering support. I don't know how i am not si'ing myself ..seriously... I did immediately last night in my mind see myself actually doing it, but in a out of control way, which I've stated before I'm normally much more controlled when si'ing.

but i did hold off...and I do think i can, but b/c I won't eat anything at all. *shrugs*.

(((((( sweet crusader ))))))))
Ty to for your concern and for wishing that for me..i appreciate that.

(((( yes )))))... you do ..and that makes me feel close to you, but I do want good things for you of course...I would like you to be really happy and well.

Ty ..I'm really glad you didn't either...you definately should feel special..I'm very proud of you.

As far as things turning better today...well that's a mixed bag ... this morning was so bad ..it was ridiculous, BUT ... it was so bad ..and I took something to calm down .. i can sorta laugh now.

AND VERY IMPORTANTLY ... it was very important for me to get home and stay put...b/c for some reason i seemed to be an accident waiting to happen..no joke then.

My mind was so off.

I had to drive to the city for my pdoc appt. I parked... Get out of my car ... go to put money in the meter... go to put my keys in the car ... AND wouldn't you know it... where are my keys?????????

OH MY GAWD ... I just did this 2 weeks ago when I took my son to the doctors. ... I left them in the car ... With the car running.

I stood there..in a panic ..almost cried, which would have made me PISSED.

I contemplated breaking my own window.

I called my sister... I'm like omg please don't kill me... b/c ppl I am not even close to home..and she's at work. Thankfully ..she was ok and not busy ...she came ..got there in an hour.

My b/f called on my cell ..and sorta calmed me down.

I go into my appt in the meantime.... The office billing takes me in though and is telling me that my insurance is not paying...accept for only 1 appt. They paid for therapy, but not psychiatric... I was shaking so bad.

I wanted to leave..get home NOW.

So my pdoc takes me...she's like please just don't worry now.

She changed my meds around in agreemend with my therapist that I'm in a manic phase ... Oh and btw ... yes I've been diagnosed as BPD ... but now they are saying I'm bipolar as well.

IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE????

Well ok i leave there ... Going home ..almost get in an accident ... Now pull in my driveway .. lol now I even have to kinda begin to laugh in this story ...cuz I almost leave my car in drive... ( i did at least have the emergency break on).

I know that today earlier I'm talking...asking for example questions to my b/f ...he's answering ..and I'm like HUH ...he's like you just asked me ..such and such ..and I don't remember asking the question.

I'm getting more and more frustrated with myself.

Well I took something to calm down and I think it's much safer on society that I stay put ...I'm sure you'd agree.

Well I just really needed to vent and get that out.

Thanks for listening to me and I hope whoever is listening to all of this ... is having a much better day then I am.

oh .. i forgot to mention what the good part of this was... when I got home my b/f and I talked so I felt better about things b/t us.

The issues w/my son .. my ex ..and my divorce and those issues are not even close to settled though ..and as you probably could guess ..more important ..or more serious I should say.

(more venting)

Vent away, my friend.

Eva,
Hey there. Sorry you are going through this Hell right now.
And I am sorry I haven't been there for you. I myself am in a cycle right now that is making my head swirl. Which I know you know all about.
If you want PM...I don't know how much longer I will be posting in the next few days.
You take care of you!
Stay safe!

thnx ((yes))

(((( sj ))))) please stay safe... I know you're going through a rough time ... I've had you on my mind and was concerned when I pm'd you today earlier.

If you can and you come on ..just check in with me on pm letting me know how you are real quick...cuz i am worried about you to.... Please be safe ...

I'm just staying around here..and venting... Hoping that helps

I hope this cycle breaks quickly and you get relief quickly.. take care and be safe

Eva

Just another thing....

I don't ever usually talk to my family about mental crap...b/c I feel they just don't get it... maybe they do on some levels, but I know they don't on others.

I mine as well not have a b/f b/c I am dead on the inside ..i have been for a longggggggggg time. I am in an unhealthy relationship and in fact want to break up.

ok with that said... I said to my mom..if you knew what was in my head ... you'd find it awfully disturbing. She just said ... you don't give me enough credit...and changed the subject. yah well alright then.

2 Questions:

Is it possible to be Boderline and Bipolar... because now ...that is bugging me.

# 2 ... Does anybody believe in prayer?

I believe it is possible to be both Borderline and Bipolar. Bipolar is the mood swings, Borderline is the emotional instability. I imagine it would be rare, but I wouldn't rule it out as a possibility.

I don't know if I believe in prayer. I think things happen the way they are going to happen regardless of what you wish. But, sometimes, prayer makes us feel better and less alone. Prayer is for some people...not for others.

You worry about you Eva! I have some decisions to make...either way I will be okay.
I am not sure about Bi polar and BPD...anything is possible.
I have never been dx Bi polar but within my BPD I guess I too have mood swings because so much frustrates me and if for a second have black thinking then of course my mood will change.
Anyway, I will PM you later....you take care of you!

That indeed is what I call a horrible, terrible, very bad no good day. Phew, glad you made it!

thnx ((( yes.))).. your response surpised me...i'm not sure if this is the right word ..but it seemed insightful to me.

***

((((( sj ))))) please take care...b/c i'm still worried even tho i'm acting like a freak at the moment

****
Ty (((wisewoman))))

*** And as usual ... I'm sitting here stupidly thinking it's tuesday ..waiting to talk to the doc, but nope it's wed...of course i do this a minimum of at least once a week that I get the days confused.

Sat is sunday .. or monday is tuesday ...Etc. Why bother keeping track really. I do it so often now I usually now only get one or 2 of the days right out of the week. ...Soon enough I'll be guessing.

I understand that about getting the days mixed up, Eva - half the time I'm uncertain what day it is. Last week I was surprised to find that it was April, and we were already a couple of weeks intp April by then, lol - I thought it was still March.

Yah silver ... I know what you mean I actually did that. I didn't realize I was in the month of March and when I was in the first week of April I didn't realize it and that I only had 1 week left for taxes which well made me want to woof.

Didn't know which month was coming and going.

I just was confused how close May is now cuz it's my niece's B'day.

*shakes head*

I'm 34 ...I can't imagine what I'll be like at 40

I'm glad I could make a uh..."insightful" post? Heh, I'm not sure exactly how to take that but I'll take it as a compliment.

I often forget what day it is or what the date is unless I have to work or go to school. Other than that? I'm still in December of 2002.

I meant it in a very positve way :P .. lol way ahead of me silly

@ yes