I think I'm coming "undone" again...

ok ... now that i've gotten all the ativan's outta my system ... i probably seem less loopy then last night.

yes i hope you finished your paper.

Ray ... i hope your feeling better today.

I have not opened my email and probably will not b/c i'm afraid of being set off ...which is what triggered me.

I'm avoiding that till at least getting through tonight. I need to go go a dinner tonight that is honoring my father. It will be larger then a wedding and i'm having a hard time with that.

I hope it's ok that I keep posting here how i'm feeling.

of course it's ok! that's what this place is for!!!

((((((((((((Eva)))))))))))))) Still crossing my fingers for you that things improve on all fronts. You've got a lot of stuff going on!

Angela

Good luck on the dinner party tonight...remember your sister and your family loves you!

((((((Angela)))))))ty so much ..the support is really helping me.

(((((((( yes )))))))))) ty so much you feel like my lil sister ..I've always been the "baby" in my family ..never really thought about having a lil sister ... till now..wish I had one now

Heh, I'm the baby out of 3 daughters. Lemme tell you what - you definitely get away with a lot of crap.

Eva, yes, you can be bipolar and BPD, and I don't think it's uncommon at all. BPD involves rapid mood changes that can resemble rapic cycling bipolar disorder, though, so other times one can be misdiagnosed as the other. My sister, who is a pdoc, has told me about bipolar patients, who she got stabilized, and then they turned out to be BPD. It depends on things like how long the moods last, how severe they are, and whether you meet the other criteria for bipolar and for BPD.

Yes, I believe in prayer, and I pray for my friends here often, including you.

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. Thanks for wishing us a better day than you had. You are really very selfless to think of others that way. I wish you some better days also.

Love,
Rap

p.s. remember that we care about you

Ty Rap ... I just was told long ago that I was bipolar ..and was agressively treated, but then told that no i was misdiagnosed ..then left alone for awhile..well really I stopped going to doctors really.

Then I had to go back...and was diagnosed w/BPD ...and now I'm going through a hard time ..and now they are saying yes ...bpd and also bipolar together... I just didn't know you could have both... I thought that if you had some issues similar to bipolar, but met certain criteria you fell into bpd.

So now I'm sort of confused and a lil agitated by it.

About 85% of the time I will be numb and just not pay attention or block out that I have problems going on ..sort of ignore them even when they are right in front of my face ... until they build up ..Like the other night and I crashed.

I do usually think of others in that 85% of the time b/c i feel like my life is already wasted really. I don't want to be here. It's a waste ..wasted time really.... Other then helping others here and there and taking care of my son.

I don't want to be here (and don't get nervous anyone I'm not suicidal).

From a very early age I did not want to be here ...and I still don't. I can't help feeling this way ..it's just I'm being honest.

That was the reason why I asked if anyone believes in prayer ...b/c I am still waiting for that prayer to be answered since I was a little kid ..still nothing.

I would never pray to be "better" or "well" ... I don't even know what that is ...I've never known.

Like i had quickly mentioned to my mom ...If you knew what was in my head ... you would find it very disturbing. I never really ever mention any of my mental problems to her ...that's all I said.

At 34 I finally do feel like I'm putting some of the pieces together. Even if they don't sound so good or promising... just they fit and go together at least.

Sorry if this is depressing it's not meant to be.

Thanks again for being supportive ...because that really helps.

I hope you are well ..and I hope for good things for all of you here.

take good care
Eva

Eva, about prayer, sometimes the answer is no, because sometimes the thing we ask for isn't what is best for us. Just like sometimes we have to tell our children no. Or sometimes the answer is "not yet."

I understand about not wanting to be here, too. I never wanted to be here past the age of 30, anyway, but I've been 29 for 6 years already. And a few times my beliefs were the only thing that kept me from finding my way out of here.

Putting pieces together sounds like progress. Whether or not you can find all of the pieces and put them in their places, you can gain a better understanding and learn to get more out of life. What are your dreams, goals, aspirations, etc.? What would you like to get out of life? If you didn't have these struggles, what would you be doing right now?

((((((hugs)))))))
Rap

Good point Rap.

Yeah ...putting the pieces is progress.

As far as dreams etc. I look at it like this ...life is a job ..a job I have to do ... I don't have a job. I have to "put my time in" and I'm waiting to retire.

That's the best answer I have right now.

I actually had a conversation for the first time with my sister ever about this ever today. She could tell I was quite serious and she said that at times she has felt like this when she's been down and said that she felt said because she would like me to not live like this and want me to want more from life.

She could also see though that I was totally not afraid to go right there on the spot and it struck her strange. She's a funeral director so we've been surrounded by death all our lives and not too many people are truly at ease to be able to say that they are completely comfortable with the idea of being "ready" to go and at peace with that.

She's like I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Anyways we had a good conversation about some other things that she said she was glad that I could explain that she never knew about ...mostly about the dissociative stuff. How I don't know myself...when I look in a picture or a mirror too long I see a stranger.

Anyways, my ex is going to drive me completely nuts (again) .. my son is sick with a cold..and I hope it doesn't set off his asthma. This all started (again) b/c my ex does not take care of him properly.

This isn't really what triggered me...it's just a little part of the things that start building up.

I hope everyone is well.

*hugs*
Take care
Eva

Eva: please take care of yourself and your little boy this weekend and just let everything else go.....don't worry about your ex..(easy to say, hard to do) and think about Eva......let us know how you're feeling today.....xoxox pat

My ex is picking up my son shorty and I'm not too happy about that. I'd rather just keep him until my son can get better.

I had in an depth conversation with my sister like I said and now I kinda feel like maybe I shouldn't have.

I hate feeling like the freak here. Online at this site I feel like i "fit in", but here I feel like a freak...odd ..not normal (whatever normal is).

It's depressing. *shrugs* I have to go to a friends home today where she's having all these ppl...most I don't know. I didn't want to say no so I'll go and I'll try not to think about this cuz it'll only make it worse and I'll only act harder, but it's hard and who knows what I'll do.

lol we'll see later.

Thanks pat for listening I appreciate it (((pat)))

I hope you are well .. pm me please and can you let me know how things are going for you...I'd like to know if you can get a chance. ..ty

Take care
Eva

I'll only act stranger.. lol not harder

(((((((((((((((((((((((Eva))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bearhugs,
Fuzzy

(((((((Fuzzybear)))))))))