[cryingchild]

The whole princilple about cutting i get, it's not good... I need to learn to deal with things in a healthier way.. etc..
But, what if it is because of my ablilty to cut that is keeping me alive..? I mean, I can go for a few days.. maybe even a week without cutting, but sooner or later, i always slip.. I feel sooo horrible when I do too, however, I also feel like I can go on..

I feel like, without cutting, i would be dead by now.. But that cutting has given me the opportunity to help to many others, by repressing all of my pains inside, and opening up to take on someone else's burdens..

Right now in particular, cutting has helped me feel real, when I've felt so dead.. And numb.. Im not happy i cut, however, it has helped me in ways, i would have been completely lost without it.. As much as i hate knowing i cant deal with things like a lot of other people do, i have to.. im completely addicted to cutting.. and it seems no matter what i do to distract myself from it, i always have to turn to it.. it always seems to be "just one more time"...

I'm supposed to be working with my therapist in finding healthier ways of coping and dealing with things.. however, i always have that urge to cut.. Even though part of me wants to stop cutting, there is that part of me that fears stopping, because i may just break down completely, and fall apart..

I try to talk to people about it and form a support group for myself, but everyone im close to seems to be afraid of dealing with this.. its like im aome kind of leper.. and im gonna spread my disease all around.. ugh.. i hate this.. i hate life.. im so sick of it all.. i just want to stop dealing with all of this...

Believe me, i am trying... i really am.. im just not strong enough..

[penna]

so maybe you're just not ready to quit yet. i don't think that would be such a terrible thing. i'm not remotely interested in quitting and i've told my therapist that. we talk about my cutting quite a bit but he has never pressured me to stop.

maybe you should discuss this with your therapist. it could be that he/she believes they're helping you reach a goal you want and they don't know how much trouble you're having with this.

personally, i think being a little scarred is better than being dead.

[Serenity]

keep searching for the tools that will help...you are strong enough or you wouldnt be looking for answers....you wouldnt want not to feel....Im glad youre letting alot fo this out and sharing how you feel both here and in CC. It helps in small ways too...and also to knwo you certainly arent "alone"
Im not a cutter...so I cant claim to "understand" but I do understand using other ways and outlets to express pain and try to cope...everyone has their own scars whether ethey are visible or not..so you are NOT alone...or crazy...or a leper...hang in there....



"Open the doors and windows and let your heart breathe" (thank you k )

That's the reason I do it too.........to feel like there is something alive within me.......if I bleed, something MUST be living. You are not a leper or crazy or anything else. Just trying to cope with life's garbage the best way you can.

When I cut, my T simply asks why? what was I feeling at the time? Like I tell him, they are superficial cuts, to relieve pressure and let me cope.

Talk to me if you want, in a PM or otherwise. You're not alone - everyone here cares about you a lot. Please hang in there.

Mary Alice

[ltlredvett]

How do you feel after you have cut? Do you feel better? Or, are you upset / depressed that you cut again?

And, do you feel better just thinking about cutting? And get a rush when you do cut?

I am just curious. I am trying to learn more and may hve some thoughts when you answer these questions.

[cryingchild]

I cant not cut if I have been thinking about it.i have to cut
I get a tremendous relief when I hurt myself.its like Im showing myself Ii can hurt and be hurt.if that makes sense..It gives me a buzz but in a negative way

[Peanut61]

HUGS for you, ((((((((((((Crying)))))))))))!! Fondly, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[Zenobia]

I do not believe that cutting is the problem. It is just a symptom of the deeper stuff underneath. I believe that as I work on the hidden stuff I will be able to use SI less. I believe that I can find other coping measures that will help reduce the SI but until I get down to the core of my problems and work through them and figure them out I will always be at risk of injuring myself. So this is the deal I have struck with myself. I will do everything possible to avoid cutting because it is not an appropriate way to deal with things BUT I will also acknowlege my need to as a pressure release when stress gets too high for my to properly cope with it. Then when I do hurt myself I promise myself to get to the bottom of WHAT caused the pressure in the first place and work through it so maybe next time it won't cause so much stress which would lead me to hurt myself again.

I do know where you are coming from on not still being here if it wasn't for cutting. That is what this last cutting was all about. I knew I was going to kill myself. I had the boxcutter in my hand with suicide on my mind but cutting words in my leg made things more tolerable for me and refocused my anxiety until I could deal with what was really causing my distress. For that I am grateful to this maladaptive coping device but as grateful as I am I want to get to a place where I will not feel as if I need to use it again.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson