Seriously…I made a lot of progress in the last few months just to have that all thrown away. It had been since November since I self-harmed, but now I just want to do it all the time. I'm supposed to call one of my friends who know about all of this, but I just can't do it. Mainly because I don't want to be stopped. It's just that even when I do the right thing, I still get screwed. I'm tired of being "nice".

I know people are sick and tired of me on here so I really shouldn't say anything. I just don't know if it'll be the same with my friends and I'm almost out of booze. Because I have some stupid idea to share my beer yesterday.

[gayleggg]

"And this too shall pass" That is a phrase I use when I get into thinking of doing things I know I don't need to or really want to do, especially after you have worked so hard.

You are in need of help. We are here for you. Post when you need to.

Also, be careful that booze doesn't become your replacement for SI. It comes with it's problems, too.

Best wishes.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

"And this too shall pass" That is a phrase I use when I get into thinking of doing things I know I don't need to or really want to do, especially after you have worked so hard.

You are in need of help. We are here for you. Post when you need to.

Also, be careful that booze doesn't become your replacement for SI. It comes with it's problems, too.

Best wishes.

Dude, it doesn't replace it, it just accompanies it. But at least I'm happy and relaxed and happy when I'm drunk or high. Once I run out of stuff, I don't know what I'm going to do. I've pretty much been drunk, high, or asleep since Saturday afternoon.

Every time I'm becoming happy and I think my life really is turning around, life turns around and spits in my face. Yeah, I got bad luck, but what did I do for this? What the $&*@ did I do?

[smmath]

What are you looking for by posting? I really mean that, and I am trying to sound mean. I am sincerely curios.

[niceguy]

Hi,
what happened today, that has set all of this off again.
I think everyone should back off- they are in need of support, not judgements.
I understand, that the last thing you need you feel is another person telling you to snap out of it.

Why don't you try talking it out. It would probs help everyone, if they knew what had triggered it today.

I'm out of booze and sobering up now…don't think it's gonna be pretty.

Well, long story short, I accidentally fell in love with a friend and I wasn't going to say anything because I knew it was going to be a problem. But he noticed that I liked him (apparently I didn't realize how obvious I was) and he brought it up. I had it in my subconsciousness and when we had to talk about it came up into my consciousness and we went to a party that night and we both got really wasted and from what I remember, he made out with me and held me for a long time. And it'll sound crazy, but no one has ever shown physical affection towards me…at least not to where I could feel anything. I finally had one of the things I wanted…to be held and actually feel something…to feel loved. Now, deep down I know and understand why we can't be together, but you just can't show someone love who's never known it and then take it away like that and not have that person feel about as low as possible. And of course, my feelings didn't magically go away even after I knew we couldn't be together (I mean, I knew that the whole time, that's why I was keeping it in my subconscious until it went away, I just wasn't quick enough).

Originally Posted by smmath

What are you looking for by posting? I really mean that, and I am trying to sound mean. I am sincerely curios.

I have all these emotions milling around in my head that I don't know how to deal with. I was supposed to call someone before I did harm to myself, but like the selfish jerk I am, I was just like screw everyone, I'm going to hurt myself anyway. And admittedly I had been drinking so I guess I had just been typing out what was on my mind.

And what am I looking for by posting? I just want these feelings to stop. Or how to face them…I can't seem to cut deep enough to be able to die and at some point (like now) there is no alcohol or drugs and I'm not asleep so there's nowhere to run or hide.

[smmath]

Does typing what you're feeling help? Can you let yourself feel the feelings? I know it can be hard, but I am in favor of feeling the hard stuff, so I can get it out.

I'm afraid of really feeling it, honestly. I've been avoiding it. Also, I feel alone now in real life because I have to avoid my friends right now and all of my social engagements. I can't handle seeing the people involved in this mess right now.

[veronicamarie]

Why do you feel like your being " screwed" what is happening ? You need to learn to ignore and accept once you ignore ppl and accept their stupidity you won't feel like self harming I know it sounds crazy but it's true no one is perfect and also some ppl are morons wish we could change their ways but we can't but you need to change ur thought process your focusing on controlling your urges but that's the wrong thing your focusing on

Sent from my SCH-R820 using Tapatalk 2

Except it's not their stupidity, it's mine. I should have been able to hide it better. You have to control the urges sometimes because they're not appropriate and/or cause you to end up with a mess like this.

It just burns me that I would pretty much do anything for him but I don't have enough experience, I'm not skinny enough for him, etc. If I could only stop eating, right?

I can't do any more damage to my arms and legs at the moment and I feel like I'm running out of space to harm.

[niceguy]

what are you actually running from?
I know your confused, hurt and all that. However, if they made you feel loved - that's all that matters. You are probs trying to find someone to accept you in good and bad. There are those who will. But you have to make the effort to open yourself to it. You might get shut down. But the important thing is that you feel. Cutting is not the answer. Death is not the answer. If you love, u risk hurt. Yet, running away from all of the emotions is only gonna get you nowhere. Party- for sure. But don't take the party too far- it will only create further haze ( trust me I know, first hand) the pain may be unbearable, but it won't end till u address it head on- and just from hearing from you. I have faith- u can get there.

Making me feel loved isn't the only thing that matters…there's also making me feel not good enough for love to be reciprocated. But he's dated plenty of other people so they were good enough. There's obviously more to it than that…. It's just that I'm in the wrong place in my life for him and anyone else like him. So I won't get to experience feeling loved again for years because I'm always going to be in the wrong place in my life for anyone worth knowing. I guess it's a crime now to be a late bloomer and not have a lot of life experience in your teens and early twenties. It's bad if they know you're a virgin…I really should have learned this by now, but I really need to make sure people don't know I'm a virgin from here on out.