[Kiya]

again. feel it all building up in me... and the negative thinking that is a precursor to it... has been building for at least 12 hours... how long can i hold it off? will it be better to get it over with now, or wait until it REALLY builds? Why is there no safe place for weary people to lay their heads until the storms pass...

[Christina86]

((((((((Kiya))))))))))) Hold on through the storm, you can do it - what have you been doing up to this point to hold off the urges??

[Kiya]

ummm trying to urge surf... coping in other not great ways but not SI... writing here =) ... finished my book... painted a lot... tried reading an online thing last night that actually put me overboard *sigh*. I think I have come thru the first wave crest atm and am in a safety lull... then gotta brace for the next wave when it arrives.

[Christina86]

I like the analogies of water and boats and surfing and stuff...



((((((((Kiya))))))))))) good for you for continuing to try

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Kiya ))))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

Hit another wave of panic today that with each subside, would then build again and bigger each time. was out in public @_@ got through with some self talk to the system, and the system putting claws in my hands. and thinking about cutting. and trying to breathe.
Then ate gluten at home *sigh*. Maybe the coffee didn't help either. It seems only to help when my mood has hit rock bottom. Hmmmm will have to think on that one.
thank you both!

[Kiya]

Another wave hitting.... came across an item I really didn't need to be finding right now. was totally not safe for a moment. then roommate saw it and said "Oh i wondered where the _____ was. I guess that's it...". I didn't answer. I didn't need the visual reminder, nor the verbal reminder. And i sure didn't need my system to have the active memory of the dangerous item.
What I need to remember right now is that the med I am on has warnings about this. And to call immediately if it gets severe. If i had ins. and less fear about the process, i probably would go to the ER right now and explain that this med can have this effect. But what I also know is that there have been worse moments than this (on no meds) where things were a bit too close to dangerous - and we came thru it. I need to remember that I can come through this too, and keep talking myself thru this.
I can do this... i can do this... this is not a crisis... this is not a crisis.

[paintingravens]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((KIYA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

HANG IN THERE!!! YOU'RE DOING SO WELL!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!!!

[Sannah]

[Kiya]

you know, i've been thinking a lot about this this morning... and now that i am back in the safe zone (or rather the safe alter) I hear the others chastizing one internal who keeps wishing for more from this post. "Why are you doing this, you just want attention". Which totally wasn't true last night - las night i was prety shaken about relocating the dangerous object (the host and I know where it is, but we don't need the harmful alters knowing or getting reminded). Yet today, the host is condemming the hurtful one for wanting attention today.
The hurtful one finally said "YEAH i DO want some attention, is that ok with you??!?!"
And it got me thinking. We never speak to that one unless s/he is harming. I (kiya) have tried in the past to no avail. But we all forget that things change, alters grow and adapt and maybe the harmful one DOES need some attention - some care, someone to talk to, some therapy. I'd not thought about it before.
And yet, rarely is anywhere safe for anyone to talk about hurtful ideas (esp when that one is the one that harms the body).
Is any of this making sense?
I don't feel the alter (or I) can even have this convo with T without her deciding I need to be hospitalized. Even tho i have this new awareness about it. Esp since this happened while she was out of town for a week, and will be out of the country for 3 weeks next month (and we went through this exact senario last Jan too *sigh*).
It makes us sad that there is no place for that convo to happen. How can healing be done when parts cannot be addressed for fear? =( I know T worries that the convo may (and i suppose often) lead(s) to destructive behaviors and that i'll get totally destablized and not able to stop the hurtful one.
What a catch 22. meh.

(((((((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))))))

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Kiya

maybe the harmful one DOES need some attention - some care, someone to talk to, some therapy. And yet, rarely is anywhere safe for anyone to talk about hurtful ideas (esp when that one is the one that harms the body). I don't feel the alter (or I) can even have this convo with T without her deciding I need to be hospitalized. I know T worries that the convo may (and i suppose often) lead(s) to destructive behaviors and that i'll get totally destablized and not able to stop the hurtful one.

Kiya, yah for this new awareness! It does make sense. I don't think that talking about what is going on inside makes things worse. IMO not talking about what is going on inside makes it worse..............

[Kiya]

yeah,... but theres no where here in pc to. not abot this. not here. not in t. just in our own minds i guess.

[Sannah]

Kiya, you can send a PM to me any time that you need an ear...........