frustration at not being heard

I tried to talk to my Dad and my husband about how I am thinking of asking my pdoc about moodstablizers. I have found that as I get better my moodswings seem so much worse. I don't want to die but when I get into the dark pit it is hard to see many other options. I tried to express to them that I am in very serious danger. I repeated several times that when I get into that space I am not confident that I will be able to keep myself safe. I know they were most likely trying to express that I have improved so very much but I needed them to see and understand my fear for my own safety. It was like they were not willing to see that the sane well adjusted happy woman before them could kill herself tomorrow if the mood struck her. In the past I would be sad about this and feel like my feelings were being disregarded. What I feel now is frustrated. Frustrated in their need to be ignorant of my peril and jealous that they are still able to see death as being far off.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

Hey Zen, good to see you but I'm sorry your having a hard time. Geez!! If your worried about you then they should listen but you already know that. Your T especially knows you so maybe you need to just keep talking to him and explaining. It must be very frustrating.
I will send you a hug as that's about all I can do but my thoughts are with you.

Don't give up and don't give in!!!
Heidu

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~ Carl Bard ~

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry that it doesn't feel like people are listening to you. It can be so hard for the people closest to you to accept serious problems like this. They want you to be okay, and they don't want you to be suffering. Denial won't make the problem go away, but that's how they are trying to cope with it. As long as they see you looking strong and healthy they might think it's working.

Talk to your pdoc about how you feel and what you are afraid of. You don't need anybody's permission to do that. But just in case it helps, here's permission from me, okay? You've been so quiet and I have been worried about you.

Take care of yourself and stay safe,
Wendy

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I've missed you!

My pdoc, husband, and parents never thought I would do it either - until last week when I ended up in the Psych ward at the hospital. Even now, knowing the truth, they still try to push it under the rug because I "look and act fine".

It is frustrating because you want them to SEE you and realize what is under the surface - and most of the time they don't. Please try to take care of yourself......PM me if you want to.

Mary Alice

Thanks everybody for your words of support. I called my T today and made an appointment with his secretary and then left a voice mail..."Dan, I would like to see you if it is ok that I pay a little at a time. I assumed that it would be ok so I made an appointment but if it isn't ok call me and let me know. I hope you don't call me." He didn't leave me a message on the machine so I guess that it is ok, it always has been in the past. I am rambling aren't I? I am super tired. My dad was over for a couple of days. Had a good conversation with him last night...if you set the whole not listening to my statement of needing help. He deals with a lot of the same issues that I do...disconnection with reality (am I dreaming or is this real), memory disturbances and such. It was fun laughing at each other. I didn't get majorly depressed today. In fact I was feeling really good when I got to work this afternoon. Could be because I downloaded on BP--thanks BP I needed to vent. Anyway I think I will shut up now and read what you all have written.
Take care and have a nice night,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

Glad you're feeling better, Carrie

********hugs*****************

Mary Alice

Hey Mary Alice, I just noticed your new screen name. I am soooo happy to see that change. I haven't done a very good job keeping up being wrapped up in my stuff of the moment but you mentioned a hospital stay. I hope it was a good experience for you. I will always be happy that I ended up in the hospital because it was the beginning of this long journey I have been on.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}} I was picked up last week by the police outside my new job (which since then I quit) and taken to the hospital under orders by my T. I had seen him right before my appt. and afterwards had every intention of not seeing the next day. He sensed it and had me picked up before I did anything.

The hospital gave me the option of voluntarily staying or going thru the courts and being forced to stay and then having more problems. I of course, decided to stay on my own.

I was released the next evening after numerous evaluations by the docs there and then by my T......on the condition that we stay in touch by phone. It started out with a few calls a day and has dwindled down to none now. I felt safe there, but hated my T for awhile. He did the right thing though although I hurt alot of people by this, esp my son.

I am very unstable at the moment, more new meds, and another new job...........so I am taking it one day at a time. I gave my T a promise, my word, that I would not harm myself again (life threatening).......if I feel the impulse I will call him.

I'm just glad you were able to respond.......ty for caring. You are such a wonderful person, Carrie. Have a good day.

Mary Alice

I have hated my T on so many occasions I don't think I could count them. Ha ha. Once you have established a relationship with a T and feel safe with that person I think the hate is a good indicator that your T is punching the right buttons as long as he does it kindly. It is hard to see that when you hate him but when you work through the difficulty and find that he was right it is reassuring and comforting knowing he was there for you trying to get you on the right road. {hmmm, I projected my feelings when I wrote all that...I guess I am pulling away from myself again. I knew this was one of those days...my rear end hurts, I think I pull something in my glutes...uh, not that anyone cares about my rump...ok really have nothing more to say I am just rambling again...but I want to ramble...it is raining here and I need to scrub my basement again. It stinks, my cat misses her litter box sometimes...I hate scrubbing down my basement...I hate basements in general...if I had my way every basement would be filled up with concrete...there is a town in washington named Concrete...anyway...)
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

Poor baby!! I have ramble on make no sense days too. Actually I kinda think those are my good days :O)
I am with you on the basement thing. We had spiders in mine as a kid and I am terrified of them. Unless the basement is completely refinished and perfect I don't want to be in it. Even then I still feel uncomfortable.
We live in an old house now and there are lots of doors between rooms. There are 2 rooms I won't go in. They are scary places and the door just can't be opened. If I am down there with my husband I hover about 10 feet from the door ducking my head. I know it's stupid but I can't help it.
By the way, I think your tagline is great.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

I was thinking that I need to change it but I haven't found a quote recently that works.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

Hugs 4 U ((((((((((((((Carrie)))))))))))))))!!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

I won't go down into our basement. I'm a big Stephen King type fan and it just reminds me of "The People Under the Stairs".........horror stories, I love 'em.

Mary Alice

We have a new little thrift store that opened up down the street that I won't go into because it is called "Needful Things." I try to tell myself just because a very wicked man in a Stephen King book named his shop that doesn't mean that if I go in there bad things will happen. LOL. I loved Stephen King but he out wrote my ability to read. You know, maybe it is time that I start catching up. The first book of his that I had my daughter read was The Girl Who Loved Tom Gorden. Hey, I have his autograph. I wrote to him when I was in highschool before he got his secretary. He typed a little note on an index card and signed it.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

You have his signature????? oh my gosh, you lucky woman. I have all his books, every one of them. Hey, that guy in Needful Things was the devil......so you might have a good reason for your feeling.....lol. I love his books.......[sigh].

I have Dean Koontz and John Saul as well. They are not as good as King, but they work. The latest book, Buick 8, is fantastic. I sincerely hope he doesn't stop writing.

xoxoxoxo

Mary Alice

I love dean Koontz. His book Intensity was the scariest book I have EVER read. It was the only book since I was like 11 that I had to stop reading at night because it scared me so badly. I was 30 or so at the time. My husband was working nights and being alone after reading that was just too freaky.

John Saul on the other hand I don't care for. I liked him before I had kids but once I had kids I couldn't read him anymore because all his book depict kids in awful situations...at least all the ones I ever read. Maybe once the kids move out I will give him a try again.

An awesome book to read is by Carl Haissen called Sick Puppy. It is the funniest book I have read. It is about a nice eco-terrorist and a rich man's wife and dog he kidnapped. She ends up working with him against her husband. Very funny. Thing about Haissen's work is even though his books are hilarious there is a extremely serious message underneath the story. I like that.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson