Needing More

I'm glad that you know that you need to change, That is the first step. Like we all know the next few steps may be difficult but worth it. Find someone in person to talk to, it helps, and we both know it.

I’m amazed at how much my life has changed in a few days. I’m no longer living for myself.

It’s been a full day since my last SI.

Wow! What a change! Did you hit rock bottom and found the fight in you?

I think things could have gotten a lot worse. I got some pretty frightening news and well I’ve decided to turn around. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.

I like this attitude!

Me too! I’m almost 2 days SI free!

Wow, do you want to explain more about what is going on with you to help you so much?

I guess I’m more motivated now. Before, I felt like I wanted to change but now I’m willing to put those thoughts into actions. I never thought I could change so I never tried to break through my old ways. I have to admit therapy hasn’t helped much if at all. It’s my new attitude that’s driving me.

I would explain things a bit better if I knew exactly what happened that allowed this to occur. I’m not going to question it though, I’m just going to go along with it and see where it takes me.

Almost 3 days SI free!

Sounds good!

Glad you got it turned around, Liz.

The ups and downs are terrible though. I went from feeling absolutely fine, happy even to feeling completely empty and I’m not sure why.

But at least you had the good and it can return. Hopefully you can think on it and figure out what changed it?

How are you doing, KeepHoldingOn?

about 8 days SI free!

Great job, Liz.

Thanks!

SI just isn’t an option for me anymore.

liz i am so proud of you!!!!

Yep, well done, Liz.

Just when I think nothing can hurt me, nothing can make me start up again I feel worthless again. First time I’ve cut in over a week, I’m lost for words. It’s not like anyone would care though. I’m just done with everything and everyone.

Was this realistic thinking to start out with? There isn't any quick cure here. Healing takes time and work and you have to face your fears. Are you ready to do this now the way that will really work?

I think it was more the “high” of actually being happy. When I finally felt “okay” or even “good” my views on things changed a bit to reflect that. Of course I knew I could be hurt but at that moment felt invincible.

There obviously won’t be a quick cure at all, although I do wish there was one. It would make life a lot simpler. I guess that would take away experience and the ability to learn from experience. I completely agree that healing takes time and effort. I am working on the underlying issues as best as I can. There are some I am unwilling to bring up which makes it a bit hard to deal with at times. For example I am unwilling to discuss SI in full detail, as in why I started, because it brings up the topic of my father and mother. In the past few days the topic of my parents and SA has become increasingly difficult to even think about, not to mention discuss or try to work through. I know I can’t avoid answering questions or bringing it up forever but for now I’d really rather not. Despite several setbacks I have found myself slowly making progress.

This is great KHO! Then work on the "easier" stuff first?

I can’t believe I went a week without and then in the past four days I’ve had non stop urges that I just couldn’t shake off at all. I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t feel like anything has changed in my environment or in the way I act however I’ve been feeling like I need to escape from something. Something, I don’t know what, I don’t know why this is happening but it’s getting bad. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m so out of it there have been several times where I haven’t noticed that I picked up a knife or something and began to cut. I didn’t realize what had happened until after the damage was done. I’m really scared it will get worse or I will do something more drastic without realizing it. I’m panicked and no one is around to make sure nothing happens. I have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. I’m beginning to feel really lightheaded.

Maybe you are trying to escape from your facts? Your past? Will you talk to your T about this?