[muse]

Well, here I am again. Dang it.

A bit of background: I had been cutting on and off since I was 13, then finally stopped at age 16 after a suicide attempt and hospital stay which saved my life. In the hospital I signed a pact to completely give up self-injury, and meant it when I signed it. I'm now 19.

The problem is, I still do things... little things, innocuous things... and I think they might well count as self-injury too. Many are compulsive--picking at scabs, at the acne on my face, and at my cuticles, until my fingers get infected and I have scabs on my face. I CANNOT leave my face alone, no matter how hard I try (this condition is, I think, called compulsive skin picking, and my case is mild, but still). It's not bad enough that people often notice, but it's still mildly disfiguring and distressing to me. When I get into a depressive/anxious cycle, I stay up stupidly late, and I know that back in high school I used to do that half on purpose, knowing it was bad for me, that it would make me feel awful.

I don't know what to do. I don't get to see my therapist for two-three weeks, and even then I'm terrified of admitting it to her because I CANNOT go back to the hospital. I don't feel like I need to, it's nowhere near that bad, but.... I'm just afraid that she'll do something extreme and I won't be able to continue to live my life, go to college, that sort of thing.

Do YOU all thing this is self-harm, or am I just being ridiculously compulsive and have a really really bad habit, and make poor choices when I'm exhausted? I don't know.

[Mike_J]

It’s not an either or situation. I think it is an all of the above type of answer. I think you should tell you therapist, if you don’t then what is the point of therapy?

[Sannah]

I think that it is more from anxiety. But I do hear in your post a theme of not taking good care of yourself. I have never heard of anyone being hospitalized for picking at themselves. I also agree that you need to tell her so that she can help you with your anxiety. Have you all been working on your anxiety? I don't think that she will do anything that will change your life for the bad. She just needs to help you.

I recovered from anxiety so I can share what I did if you are interested. Please keep us posted?

Work on stopping the little things, innocuous things, muse.

Good luck.

[muse]

Thanks you guys... I think the root cause is probably mostly anxiety but depression plays a part too. Doesn't change the fact that I am hurting myself though (even through something as simply as stubbornly caring for other people at my own expense! I know it's hurting me, it's bad for me, but I do it anyway. Ugh).

I am so exhausted and so far down right now that I really, REALLY want to do something bad. I don't know what, just.... some kind of physical release. Pounding away on a treadmill for a few hours is out of the question because I'm too exhausted and it'll trigger a panic attack (is that crappy or what???) and what I want to do.... really badly.... uuuuggggh. I can't. I won't. I won't I won't I won't. But I really really want to. I haven't self injured in the traditional sense in a year or two, and breaking that now would be AWFUL... but it's hard to remind myself of why at the moment when doing it would make me feel better.

It's only short-term. That's what I have to remember. It might help short-term but in the long run it'll make things worse and horrible and no. And my girlfriend would cry and I CAN'T do that to her. No. NO NO NO.

I won't. I WON'T. I won't.

[puzzclar]

They can't put you in the hosptail for that, Speaking from experience. But yes, that is a form of self-injury for you. if you feel like it is self-injury then it is. I understand the wanting to NOT go back to the hospital, that's how I am too. And if it keeps you going, keep thinking of your girlfriend, and how you don't want her to cry, becuase sometimes thinking of others helps more than anything else. Just keep on going, things will get better.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by muse

something as simply as stubbornly caring for other people at my own expense!

Do you want to explain this more Muse?

Yes, I can see how depression can cause the SI too because I feel that depression is a lot of repressed feelings and that those who are depressed don't know how to handle their feelings.

[muse]

Sannah, I mean that I will often hustle and bustle and do things for others, like make them food/drinks, go on errands for them, give up my bed for them or give in to their desires, even if it is at my own expense. I know I SHOULD be taking care of myself and putting myself at priority no. 1 because I don't really have any energy to expend on others, but I do it anyway.... mostly out of kindness, but there is always a little voice in the back of my head saying, "It's good to run yourself ragged for others! That'll show them!" or something similar. It's weird, I know. :/

[Sannah]

This is something that you can work through. I had to work through this. It is very common for people who grew up in dysfunctional homes.

[chato]

Sorry, to hear about your relapse. I just past 2 years with OUT a relapse. My cutting developed into burning and branding.

I am NOT A DOCTOR! But, from my experience, it was not till I was able to understand WHY I was burning and what was triggering it that I was able to get a hold of this mal-productive coping mechanism.

For me, the mental pain and anguish was relieved each time I did it. I did not have the tools at that time to know how to deal with it.

I started drawing cartoons about Mental Health Humor (art therapy) 2 years ago and blogging. This has helped me take the "edge" off. All though there have been times I have really wanted to do it. I was able to bleed it out with words by writing some poems. ( I wont post them here - Too Dark - if you want to see one here IM me.)

I know what your describing and it does not sound like SI. To me it sounds a little like dermotillomania, and trichotillomania... But I'm not a doctor, I wouldn't presume I knew anything except what I have experienced.

I tell you this story for one simple reason, we are all going to "relapse" at some point... We are all going to have up's and down's... Recovery is a road, some times we take the wrong exits, but we can always get back on it.

Well that is my 2 cents.