i'm trying to fight

i'm trying, i'm trying, i'm still trying. but i'm not sure how long i can keep it up. i've been feeling so much lately and i have no idea what else to do. i want SI because it's the only thing that works to make me feel better. i feel so spacey. i feel disconnected. i feel on edge. i feel fragile. i need to bleed.

i had the last two days off and i barely left the house. i was a mess. i know i'm not able to take care of myself very well right now. i went out to a party last night with my partner and i'm glad she was there to help me, but it was so hard to get through the whole night without SI. i had to take it minute by minute. i am starting to get more anxious. i feel like i need it. i feel like last night took a lot of the fighting power i had left in me.

so now i'm at work and i'm really scared. i'm so scared i won't get through the day. i don't want anyone to push me over the edge. it's so hard when you work in customer service. i feel so alone (i am alone in the office, which both helps and doesn't help). i'm just worried. i hope i can make it, but i just dont know if i can.

oww
hugs


Look - as much as you THINK you do not have power - you haven`t SIed till now - so you HAVE made it!You have the power and courage and whatever it takes. You feel fear and weakness and all - and you know - because you are so used to SI as a way of dealing...but you have been dealing...and yeah..

I know the feeling and you gotta replace it with something else. I don`t know - write to yourself, imagine you hurt all those who hurt you....you can use as an output not ONLY your skin... basically - this is not useful ..it just makes everything more disillusioned....

You do not deserve to hurt physically because you hurt mentally - even if subconsciously you are choosing it like we all do. You deserve to heal and you know that repeating this habit again will no help. So you don`t want to go back....

You have made it until now and if you made it WITH the dear and anxiety and spacey and disconnected and one edge and fragile...you felt the need to bleed and with
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL THAT:

You didn`t give in!

It will get somewhat better. Nothing lasts for ever.

thank you. still trying. it's hard. the longer the fight, the harder it gets. i worry still. but thank you...

Have you decided on therapy yet?

Okay, you're at work first off. Do you know any ways to ground yourself? Doing something that takes in all of the five senses really helps to ground yourself if you're feeling spacey. Feel something, smell something, taste something, hear something... it doesn't need to be the same thing, but keep yourself present in THIS time/moment. One moment at a time too.

Any way you can take a breather, go for a walk, stretch your legs?

Feeling like you need it is OK. You're making a distinction between feeling and rationality - you don't *really* need it, but you feel you need it.

Taking it minute by minute is sometimes all we can do - so good for you for getting through it in one piece. Sometimes we're not able to take care of ourselves, so taking things apart and making them into smaller tasks can be a lot easier and more manageable. There still can be days where we barely get out of bed - but sometimes we do need a break.

I know this sounds cliche, but don't let anyone push you over the edge. Being alone is scary, dealing with wanting to cut/self-injure is scary. Dealing with emotions and thoughts is scary. But you're going to be OK.

Hold onto the hope of making it. I know what you mean about how being alone helps and doesn't help - it helps so you're not being bothered by others, but sometimes having others around helps us to keep ourselves more safe and sane.

Customer service can really suck, some customers are really mean.

Please take care of yourself. Take washroom breaks as often as you can - breathe, not from your chest but from your stomach. Count to ten in your head. Visualize happy stuff (that is NOT harmful to you or others).

thank you all.

sannah - therapy is something i'm thinking about. it's still so scary. and it's gonna be a slow journey. my partner said she'd get the number of a woman from her T this week... then once i get that number... we'll see i guess.

christina, thank you. your words mean a lot to me. it helps to hear the advice and a different perspective. i get stuck sometimes.... and it's hard to break free from the bad thoughts.

i hit another low point at work yesterday when i had to confront this panhandler guy. he's been repeatedly told to leave the property and has been warned that he is trespassing and we can call the cops on him... but i dont ever want to do that. he is a very large man and he is intimidating and mean. well after a few weeks of not seeing him, i thought he got the point and wouldn't come back. other people had approached him repeatedly in the past, both my coworkers and some customers. but he did come back yesterday, and i wasn't ready for it. not in the least. i starting freaking out in a major panic... i had a coworker there, and she helped me feel ok (it's just that she was in the bathroom when he came in). but i still had a major panicky feeling... i can't even believe i got through it without the SI. i just can't believe it. i am glad my coworker let me leave 30 min early instead of taking my lunch break. and i'm glad i went on chat here because for the last 45 min at work i stayed safe. i wouldn't have if i didn't have people to talk to here... so i just want to thank everyone who sat with me here yesterday. it really means a lot to me. in those moments... it's hard to see any other options. just talking through the feelings helped me get through to the end of the day.

and then after work i got a shiatsu massage. i am SO glad that opportunity came when it did. those kind of things happen for a reason. someone i used to volunteer with switched careers and is now opening her own bodywork practice. since she's just opening, she's giving discount sessions. last week, i figured, oh just go for it. it sounds good (and it's someone i know and would feel comfortable with... because that's an issue with SI stuff, i love massages but dont always want to share my body. plus, with shiatsu massage, it is done with clothes on - like a t-shirt and sweat pants, very comfortable). it turned out to be perfect timing.

i had never had a shiatsu massage before, but it was so grounding. i was brought back into my body, the present. my breathing and energy were worked on and rejuvenated. my muscles were allowed to relax and my body was stretched and balanced. with all the pressure points she touched, it definitely was intense and at times a bit painful... but the kind of painful that is really growth and healing. i realize that this kind of bodywork is about as good as my destructive bodywork in terms of its grounding ability. i will keep that in mind. i might get another one done next month.

Congratulations, michelle421. Keep up the good work.

Very good work Michelle!!!!