Tempted

How do you get past the temptation of self-harm? The idea of hurting myself kind of turns me on. I get a thrill ~ but can't explain why. And I can't seem to stop suicidal idealization.

i myself dont know.. last ight, i gave into temptation after four months of being SI free -minus a couple slip ups-. but i wanted you to know i had the same feelings yesterday and that im here for you

hope everything turns out great

-i love trying to occupy my mind to keep me away from it when i fight the temptation. stay away from sharp/hurtable objects and do something that can help you get a 'rush' without a body injury-

Just keep distracting I think.... if you have a T, can you email? I just did that and it helped a whole lot.

I do have a T, but can't contact off hours. I can call peers in my DBT group, but they fight similar temptations too.

I often have the same feelings. What I do is tell myself I can but first I'm going to do this. And then I go do what ever it was I needed to do like watch a movie or do house work or reply to an email or forum or anything. Then when I finish that, if I still want to harm then I do it again. I tell myself that I will let myself harm but first I have to do this. And eventually I can get past the urge. I allow myself to have that fantacy of being able to harm without actually doing it. It helps take away some of the anxiety of trying not to harm.

I don't know if what I said maked any sense but that is just something I use sometimes. It does not work all the time but it's worth a try

Keep going to the therapy and heal what is triggering you to self harm?

That does make sense, Stacy3601.

Thank you. That's pretty much what I do as well.

I guess that I just wish that I didn't have to feel and fight that great temptation. Oh well .

Sounds as though there is no quick fix to these temptations. Damn!

I worry about bringing thoughts like these up in therapy. I fear my T will send me into the hospital. I have told him that I often think about the end, and am quite tempted by the idea/s. I have not told him of temptations to harm myself though.

If/when I do share these thoughts and emotions, are the chances of hospitalization rather low? Or is it a very individual kind of thing??

shezbut, you have read the threads. How often have you read someone was sent to the hospital?

Yup, no quick fixes......

Ask your therapist what his policy is for sending you to the hospital?

Wanting to SI and actually following through are 2 different things. You need to talk about these urges in therapy so that you can work on this.

What have you been working on in therapy so far?

I haven't read many threads in which someone was hospitalized. A few, but they're certainly a minority.

True, Sannah. I did bring my journal to T today, in which I spoke frankly about my strong temptations, hating life, hating myself, etc. I also shared my fear of being hospitalized with my T.

My T did agree that he's surprised that I haven't begun to feel a little better too. He went on to add that I have very deeply rooted self-hate. I cannot accept compliments, and automatically characterize myself as being "evil". Despite whatever good things that I do, I am unwilling to call myself a decent or worthy human being.

We did go on to talk about my childhood ~ which was crazy & unsupportive. My thought was that I could possibly get past these emotions and let go if my parents and brother apologized to me for the pain they've caused. However, my parents and brother will not apologize ~ I've tried already a couple of times. So, it's up to me to let go of these core feelings.

I don't know how to let go. My T doesn't know either. But, he thinks that if I focus my thoughts on something I can control (what I dwell on), I can gain some closure in that way. Just a hypothesis...but it's better than going on like I have been.

Shezbut, good work opening up in therapy!!!!! Yeah, the path to healing isn't about those who hurt you making amends because this happens so, so rarely.

I would think that you could let go of these things if you face them, accept them, analyze what it meant to you and how they affected you, sort of like come to peace with them, and then you will be able to let them go. Trying to ignore them won't work.

What happened to me made me who I am today and I don't dislike myself.

I had to go through this accepting compliments stuff too. What I did was say "thank you". It sounds simple but it really is powerful. Our first reaction is to deflect the compliment because we don't want to accept it. When you say "thank you" it is the first step of acceptance.

I don't know how to thank someone for the compliment genuinely. I try to do it, but I automatically look away, take a deep breath, and then say "thank you". It doesn't come off real well, I've been told. I'm literally forcing myself to thank them, even though I don't mean it.

I see, you really are unable to accept it. Inner child work then?

How is that done?

Someone once mentioned something beyond DBT...I can't recall the name. Like dream therapy or something??

You just need to get in touch with that child inside of you. What do you think about her?

ummmm... I'm kind of lost. I wasn't ever a "child". Never considered myself to be a child, neither did anyone else. My family (parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles) always praised me for being so mature.

My aunt and uncles were strangely (when I look back now) proud of my maturity ~ regularly drinking and smoking pot with me, starting back in Chicago. So, I was younger than 7 years old when that began.

Shez

But there must still be a child inside of you, though? A child who could never be a child?

Not that I know of.... How would I know??

If you have any bad habits around thinking of yourself as "evil" I would make habits to correct them? I use to badmouth myself and for a long while, when I'd catch myself thinking something negative I'd yell to myself "SUPPORT!" and three guys in togas would come running through from somewhere around my left ear with a Corinthian column and set it up in the middle of my head



I finally got so I didn't put myself down anymore. About the same time, my middle name was "Danaher" and I renamed myself "Damnither" and that was a hard thing to break! If you can, think of fun ways to correct bad habits; it makes finding them and reminding yourself easier.

I take any self harm thoughts to their logical conclusion; what could happen (pain, infection, scars, disability, others who might be disappointed, me being embarrassed, etc.) and that can help me some. Otherwise I make fun of them, as they're just thoughts and I'm the one in charge (nah, nah, nah, nah, n-a-a-h! :-) My thoughts can't become real unless I make them that way.

Perna,

I like this idea. However, it sounds as though it takes a lot of self-awareness and wise mind not to be overcome by the emotions. Doesn't sound real easy at all to me!

I do use the logical conclusion with self-harm ideas everytime. It does stop me from harming myself, but it also seems to increase my self-hate and belief in being "evil" for having such dark fantasies.

And there's a tiny part of myself that continues to try to conjure up the "perfect escape" from life. I don't want to be discovered, my plan must work. I'm not looking for scars or any attention.

If you're "evil" for having dark fantasies; live it up and buy yourself the dark cloak, rename yourself some ridiculous dark lord/lady name and when you get in a difficult mood, get into costume and give yourself 15 minutes of glory and make sure you get a lot of laughs! I would make a list of "activities" for when I'm having troubles:

1. Go buy an article of clothing or material to make one (I'd be inclined to get really silly and buy a black satin sheet or something)
2. Spend 15 minutes researching/thinking up the perfect name for your evil self character
3. Write out a simple "story"/fantasy/background history
4. Dare yourself to go out in "public" in the costume :-)
5. Do #1 and #3 multiple times.

Instead of being Ponce de Leon looking for the Fountain of Youth, maybe you can be "Invisible Harry' looking for the Perfect Escape. Decide to take up learning magic tricks?

You have to find her.

Thanks for the chuckle, Perna!

Everyone in the library probably thinks I'm a nut. LOL!

You've actually got a pretty good idea. Maybe writing my thoughts, experiences, and ideas would make a good story to read. I'll have to give that a try. Perhaps it would be therapeutic ~ thanks for the great ideas you've shared!!