Restart the clock

I try not to keep track of how long it has been sense my last SI event, had been several months, that was up until a couple of minutes ago that is.

Steel and Pain my old friends gess they were overdue for a visit.

((((((((Mike))))))))

Getting back up and restarting is hard, but I know you can do it.

Do you understand what happened?

Thanks, I know you didn't mean to make me laugh but I couldn't help it, and it did really make me feel better. When I first read your post my initial thought was “of course I understand what happened, I picked up a razor blade and the blood started to flow”

But after a moment’s pause I realized what you really meant was do I understand why I did it. I could go on about “triggers” and all of the usual stuff, I had a really crappy day, lots of stress slamming me from unexpected directions but that doesn’t excuse what I did. At a core level I don’t think I have ever understood why I SI, other than being addicted.

My first SI I thought I understood why I was doing it, I wanted to replace emotional pain with physical pain, of course it didn’t work. I have NO EXCUSE for continuing to do it, not even the lame hope that I will feel better emotionally if I SI, I know that has never worked for me.

So NO I don’t understand why I did it, not this time or the time before or the one before that……………..

I know how you feel Mike...I don't understand why I SI most of the time either. It just makes me feel even worse about myself.

Well, I'm glad that I made you laugh Mike! You must feel even a small amount of relief right after you SI? I know later you feel bad but you must get something out of the SI or you wouldn't do it.

A bad, stressful day makes sense for a trigger. Can you see in hindsight anything that you could have done through out that day to have made it not so bad?

Well I could have started drinking about 10:00 AM, but they tend to frown on that were I work.

Sorry bad attempt at humor.

Just so many things comming from so many unexpected directions, in hindsite should have stayed in bed, but I can only see that in hindsite, I can't live my life like that (staying in bed all day every day).

So work is stressful?

Yes work is very stressfull, much more in the last month, and for the next few months than usually. But in general terms my job has way more stress than I should be trying to deal with on an on-going basis but I have to support my family somehow.

What makes it stressful?

Well everything really, it's a very stressfull position, lots of responsiblities, lot of things that I'm in charge of.

As strange as this sounds I often have to be the "voice of reality" people at work come up with some rather creative but strange things they want to try to do. And often they don't take it well when I have to tell them, it won't work, the clasic reponse I get is "why not?" Trying to explain the laws of physics to someone who is working very hard at not understanding them is nothing but stressfull.

(((((((((((((((MikeJ)))))))))))))))))

just wanted to send you hugs and let you know i read your post


--bluegirl

Is the interacting stressful? Do you get stressed with things "hanging over your head" that need to get done? I get stressed from that. I've been working on that not stressing me out so much for years. I think that I have made progress on it.

Now you made me laugh -- the laughter of recognition. Along the way I've seen people in positions whose jobs, or whose success, depended on them not understanding.

That's STRESSFUL! I'm sorry.

Mike_J, may your "clock" break and never condemn you.