Back at it(!!!TRIG!!!)

Last night I had a panic attack due to flashbacks (I'd post this in PTSD but I don't want to give people ideas). It was the worst one that I have had in close to 2 years. My heart was racing and I was sweating. I was shaking so bad that my entire bed was moving with me and it was causing my matress to slide around. No matter how hard I tried to get air it felt like I wasn't getting any oxygen. I started hyperventalating and was freaking out cause it was hurting my chest. I knew even if I waited for it to be over(I waited almost an hour) that I wouldn't be able to sleep because everytime my eyes shut it made it worse. So I did the only thing I knew how to to make it stop. I cut and I cut and I cut some more. First I started on a new section but knew that it would be harder for me to put bounderies on stopping, so I switched to fillling in the heart that was healed. When I had gotten the entire thing done my panic attack was gone and all that was left was this intense sting. I felt way better though. I cleaned up and went to sleep really easily. Now it till stings just as bad which is rare bt I really don't mind it. I just had to be able to tell someone. Sorry if I triggered any of you. I was right for not posting it in the PTSD section...right?

Here is a poem I wrote while it was happening...I have't finished it...maybe I won't...but I want to post it

I'm so tired. My body is wearing thin.
I can't breath. It's sucking me in.
The dark memory encircles me.
Why can'tit just leave me be.
I start to shake, and want to cry.
Why won't it just let me die.
It pulls me under. It won't let go.
I can't escape. There's to much I know.
It's scaring me. I want to run.
It toys with me. It's haveing fun.
I couldn't run then. I can't run now.
I can't make it go away. I don't know how.
He is still here. The memory lingers on.
Will it ever, forever be gone.
SI helps make it, go away.
But soon it returns, and makes me lay.
Lonely and scared on the inside.
Shaking and gasping, wanting to hide.

That is it for now. Maybe I willl finish it later.

((((((((((((((( Icky )))))))))))))))))))))

yes, icky--i believe it was fine to post in si section. some si have ptsd like you. i am one. i relate to your words of both the poem and how cutting "snaps" one out of the state where memories, impressions, etc. become so overwhelming. i wish i had words of comfort, wisdom, and encouragement but all i can offer is myself and my experiences that i share similar to yours. the last time i cut was after a T appoint. during that session i had "gone back" to places of my past and it was overwhelming. i couldn't shake the effect it had on me until i cut. i don't understand why the cutting offers mental relief except that, for me, the physical pain pulls my mind out. sometimes if i engage in hard exercise it can replace the cutting because it's essentially doing the same thing--producing the physical pain that wins mental focus. lately, i've had really weird dreams. they've been so life like that it's been hard for me to tell if i had dreamt them or if they actually happened. has this ever happened to you or anyone else out there? ((((((icky)))))

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{icky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

((((((((((icky))))))))) Please go in a hospital for help, ok??
Vicki

((((((((((icky))))))))) what where you avoiding? What were your thoughts? Can you talk to your T? We care about your very much.

Right now I'm away froom home so I don't have a T. I could email her but I'm scared if i told her these things she would tell my parents it isn't safe for me to be alone...which would result in me losing my apprenticeship. I just want these thoughts to go away, to be able to hide from them.

Sweetie,
Thoughts go away when they are dealt with. Perhaps, you can start by just asking to talk about issues bothering you - stress, depression, relationships. You NEE someone to talk to. Please take care of yourself.

I had talked about it. I thought it was all over. I had lied to myself for years telling myself the things I went through were no big deal. I had finally tought I had overcome most of my security issues caused by it...ect. Then my T brought it up and wanted me to talk about it. Everything came right back and now all the triggers are back, and it's like I'm forced to try to redo all the progress I made.

congratulations on talking!!! Just by talking you are making progress. I'm proud of you. I know it hurts but in the end, it will make you stronger.