[Abby]

Can anyone here relate to this and/or knows what i'm describing.

I have difficulties when I'm in groups. It isn't social anxiety as it can be with work colleagues and friends, anyone really. I think it is over-stimulation but don't know if that is possible?...it is just I wonder if I'm very hypersensitive or something else so normal day to day interactions can be too overwhelming?

Basically what happens is that I will be in, say a meeting with work, and my mind seems to disappear and I can't concentrate at all. It feels as though I'm very far away or as though my brain has slowed to a ridiculous pace. It feels as though the neurons aren't firing anymore. I describe it as being submerged in white or static. It is a horrible feeling. Plus because I can't focus on anything and it feels unsettling I can't sit still and just want to get away and clear my head.

Generally I end up taking a pain killers because it feels like a headache (but its not a headache) and/or I end up cutting in the toilets. I think the reason I end up cutting is because it gives me something to focus on. It isn't 100% effective as I feel very detached whilst doing it and as though someone else is doing it to me, but of course I know it is me as I make the decision to do it.

I wish I knew why social situations make me zone out. It definately isn't anxiety, unless it is deeply hidden in my psyche! Could it be possible my brain isn't wired to handle too much stimulation all at once and thus goes into meltdown? I can't understand why group situation would cause depersonalisation or at least something that is similar to it. I'm not emotional in these situations...i don't think anyway. It is hard to tell sometimes!

Is there anyway to stop this happening because my crude and ineffective methods are only semi helpful once in the middle of it all. And I am finding it quite upsetting and embarrassing now.

Any advice or similar difficulties would be really helpful!

ps - i don't know if this is the right section to put this as i have no idea really what it is!

[Rapunzel]

Abby, what you are describing sounds like dissociation. Even though you can be with people you are comfortable with when it happens, dissociation is triggered by something that feels unsafe to you at some level, and your mind copes with it by going away. It could be related to a memory that gets triggered, and can be buried pretty deeply. My T has told me when I dissociate that I need to figure out what it was that scared me. This is work that really does need professional support / therapy to resolve. When you are able to understand the triggers and recognize that you are not in danger, you will have the control to stay present. SI often happens with dissociation, as a way to control it - both to numb out and to come back when numbing out is too uncomfortable.

[Sannah]

Yes Abby, it sounds like dissociation to me too. You dissociate when you can't handle your feelings. I agree with Rapunzel to stay aware and try to figure out what is triggering you. SI helps to stop dissociation and bring you back into your body. SI grounds you. There are other ways to ground yourself by focusing on your environment and the way something feels, smells, looks or tastes (putting candy in your mouth).

Grounding: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...t=16719&page=2

[Abby]

Thanks for the advice. My therapist uses the term dissociation, but I wasn't sure if this related to how I feel in these types of circumstances as I had difficulty understanding why I would dissociate in relatively benign situations! I shall try and talk to my therapist about this, maybe if i gather my thoughts beforehand I will be able to put some words to the blankness that surrounds my head during these times.

The only reason I can think of as to why this may happen is that if there are lots of people around then there is lots of different interactions and feelings bounding around and maybe this could make me feel out of control? I only think this because I usually rely on predicting other peoples behaviour so I know how/what to say next etc. But it is hard to predict everyones next move in a group as there are so many possible outcomes. I have no idea why this would trigger me though or why I have this desperate need to be in control of everyone and everything all the time.

In the meantime I think I shall also try the grounding ideas to try and keep the feelings (or lack thereof) at bay a bit! Thanks for helping me make sense of this. Sometimes I feel like such a fool for not being able to concentrate and very lonely.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

The only reason I can think of as to why this may happen is that if there are lots of people around then there is lots of different interactions and feelings bounding around and maybe this could make me feel out of control?

I only think this because I usually rely on predicting other peoples behaviour so I know how/what to say next etc.

But it is hard to predict everyones next move in a group as there are so many possible outcomes.

I have no idea why this would trigger me though or why I have this desperate need to be in control of everyone and everything all the time.

This makes total sense to me Abby. This control thing is common. I had to work on this too. We think that by controlling things it helps to keep us safe. What I worked on was convincing myself that I was safe. I worked on boundaries and social skills, etc. so that I could handle whatever came up and this helped me to let go of that need for control.

[Abby]

I had therapy and it made me dissociate. It is hard to make my mind think.

I feel trapped. I don't want to stay frozen because it is horrd floating and everything being so noisy and looming but I don't want to do any of the grounding techniques because they seem too...big. I can't find the right word. I don't want to be aware of myself because I don't want to be me! I don't want to be trapped in this body but I can't stand the noise in my head either.

Just spent last hour curled up on the floor next to the fire staring into nothingness. My head is killing me. I'm going to have to take some painkillers, hopefully that will stop my eyes feeling as though they are going to explode out of their sockets.

???????????????????

Edit: Just found this: "Focusing inwards and internally visualizing a safe scene can help an individual to quickly relax. There are no limits to the creativity or imagination an individual may employ in the safe scene work. Safe scenes include items within which can contribute to an even greater feeling of safety and security, such as walls, moats, containment images". I can do this because I find I often do it naturally when things feel to overwhelming. I go camping lots in my mind, wild scary outdoors with lots of bears but inside the small tent there is a lamp and a comfy bed and everything is soft on the floor, and it is all within reach of me. It is all safe, I am hidden from everything outside and never need leave. I wish that was reality!

[Rapunzel]

((( Abby )))

Yes, start with what you can do and what helps you. Therapy can be scary, and dealing with the stuff that is causing this dissociation or freezing up and all of these symptoms is hard work and scary. It is the only way to get past it and find the freedom to live your life in a reality that you can live with. You don't have to deal with all of it at once. You can learn to keep most of it contained while you work on a manageable amount. You need support to do this work. Therapists are able to help you to work with what is safe for you and keep the rest contained until you are ready. You have to tell them when you are dissociating, though. Dissociating means that you are feeling scared or not safe. It doesn't necessarily mean that you are in real danger at that moment though, or that you can't or shouldn't cope with what scares you so that you can push through it and it can't stop you anymore.

Start with what you can do. You can build on that. You might consider looking into DBT. DBT is designed to help people to be able to tolerate the reality they are living in even though it is scary and overwhelming, while learning the skills, bit by bit, to be able to cope and change what needs to change.

[Abby]

Thankyou Rapunzel once again for such a kind and thoughtful reply.

I have had a very hard 2 week due to not talking up about the dissociation. I have only been aware of this link due to your reply. My therapist wanted me to stay with my dissociated feelings which I was willing to attempt but you're right the problem came when she was unable to bring me to a safe place, and I was unable to tell her I was very unsafe by the end of the session. When I feel disconnected I want to cut all connection because I feel misread and alone. This has caused a crisis period which I'm not able to understand yet, all I really know is the pain and how I act due to the pain. I am struggling a lot.

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

You might consider looking into DBT. DBT is designed to help people to be able to tolerate the reality they are living in even though it is scary and overwhelming, while learning the skills, bit by bit, to be able to cope and change what needs to change.

This seems really useful. My therapist doesn't do DBT but I would love her to be able to help me cope day to day. She always talks long term but I feel like screaming at her that I need help in the short term! She'd probably disagree with me though and tell me I wouldn't cope with being dictated too......which is true.

All I really want is to be safe, pity that isn't possible........

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

the problem came when she was unable to bring me to a safe place, and I was unable to tell her I was very unsafe by the end of the session.

When I feel disconnected I want to cut all connection because I feel misread and alone.

This has caused a crisis period which I'm not able to understand yet, all I really know is the pain and how I act due to the pain. I am struggling a lot.

I would love her to be able to help me cope day to day. She always talks long term but I feel like screaming at her that I need help in the short term! She'd probably disagree with me though and tell me I wouldn't cope with being dictated too......which is true.

All I really want is to be safe, pity that isn't possible........

Abby, can you talk to your therapist about all of this ^ ?