urges

I really want to. I want to so bad. But I'm at school so I cant. Finding out that I have to get my review (which will be bad) not only with my adviser (which was going to be bad enough) but also with the program director made my anxiety (what they have a problem with) go sky high. I can't stand it. I just want to do something now that will make it go away. I feel like nothing matters anymore. Nothing.

(((((((googley)))))))
Sending you many hugs and positive thoughts. Please know that these urges DO go away in time, but sometimes they can feel unbearable. I am sorry that you are feeling these strong urges to SI. Do you have any activities that can keep you busy until these feelings go away? Exercise, reading, journalling, watching television, talking to someone else about how you're feeling? I hope you can distract yourself during this difficult time.

((((((((((googley))))))))))))

I know its hard right now, but you CAN get through this. You need to believe you can get through this. Are you familiar with any mindfulness and/or breathing techniques? I find those are useful for the "short-term" anxiety, i.e., in the moments that you will be with your advisor.

And I know its hard to imagine, but is there any way you could do some positive visualizations in order to prepare you for your meeting/review? I know its difficult to try and see any positive outcomes when you are feeling that anxious, but as easy as your mind can get into negative spiral thinking, your mind can also get on a positive thinking track - with practice (i.e., the positive visualizations). The bad AND good thing about our mind is that it likes to take the easiest train of thought, with repetition you can get your mind into a positive pattern that might help to counteract some of that anxiety.

Other than that... do you have any meds that might help with the anxiety?

As for the SI urges... maybe try instead of focusing on how badly you want to act on them right NOW, try and look ahead and see how much of a success, see how much better you will feel long-term, if you can fight them. I've seen how strong you are, and I know that you can look them in the face and tell them to bugger off!!!! If however they overwhelm you and you do act on them, try not to let that fuel your anxiety even more. We all do what it takes to get through things, and sometimes along the way we stumble and make mistakes, but that doesn't make you a bad, or weak, or an *insert word* person.

You can do this.

Gentle hugs,
Jacq

Googley, how are you now?

Yes, I can understand your anxiety about these reviews. I have experienced many things like this. It is normal to feel anxiety about such things. Hopefully one day you will be able to tolerate these types of normal feelings. Maybe it is so difficult for you because you have many, many stuffed feelings and you just can't bear any more? Unloading past feelings in therapy will allow you to better tolerate feelings from today.

when i feel the urges, i usually divert my attention to anything that will make me happy, curious, interested or just plain passing the time off..anything that will make me close my mind to the urges..

most likely, i sleep. and when i wake up and still feel the urge, i sleep again..

I realized that what made it so especially bad was that they said I could trust them and then they used what I said against me. That happened too many times as a kid. I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore. Like it is all gone. Thank you for your concern. I'll PM you to talk more about details when I feel able. Right now everything just feels so awful that I just don't care about anything anymore.

I would especially like to hear what happened to lead you to this conclusion.