[dayzee9]

Around a week ago, I was alone at home and my brother (the one who pisses me off every time he calls by talking on his cell phone while he drives...and he only talks about HIMSELF!!!!
I started to talk about our 2 brothers now gone by way of suicide -- he hung up on me......I don't what happened, it was like watching yourself outside of your self, ya know? I went thru every kitchen knife & tried to cut..ALL were dull & I found myself very angry

I haven't caused SI for almost 8-10 years; I was insane, I felt posessed, I went through the apartment looking for a decent blade ( I knew I used to collect them) I found one, you all know the rest. I didn't want scratches, I wanted squirting, gushing blood.......which wound in the ER ONLY b/c I had lost too much blood to walk across the street to the ER. Now it's like it never ended. I continue to find sharper knifes. W/ my untarnished record of a "recovered" psych nurse is ruined. It's like why go on anyhow........

It was the ER that abhored me the worst...the stigma, the attitudes; the cold, unfeeling nurses & doctors & I KNOW the code of ethics....I want to sue the ******!!! I'm trying to put together a paper of statements from other SIers who got treated like %#@&#! & the coldness like I did!! It will be anonymous, use a damn nickname & age & your stories. I'm serious....in the past week I have seen others in the ER from mild OD's, cutting....all I wanted that particular night was some damn antibiotics for the infection I was developing from the cutting; I'm trained...I can take care of most first aid........but I've seen those same looks way back when I used to be in the ER 2x a week, my husband used first-named basis & help them hold me down....I want to hear from others....they say it's just my paranoia........IS IT!!!

Please PM me or use my e-mail; it's in my profile; please help me to help all of us! I took an OD that would have killed 3X over, but I woke up in my bed the next morning at 1100 & sick as a dog.............help?

DAYZEE9 (aka Laura dayzee@charter.net)

((((((((((dayzee9))))))))))))))) please take care of yourself. Call your T or someone close.

[dayzee9]

I went to regular GP to have the "old" staples out; he was debating whether to put sutures in the most recent...I told him he;s wasting his time.... WRONG WORDS!
B/c of "general policy/standard procedures go" as I'm sure know from "Community Guidelines" Next thing I know they;re ready to throw me in the state mental hospital, which just "happens" to be in our fair city.

One word & you're damned here or with your T; you tell your T you plan to commit the "S" word........you're screwed;
Won't anyone stand up for their rights with me or should I..
oh nothing.............

Alone & Itching to Scratch...........dayzee9

[Rapunzel]

((((((((dayzee)))))))))

It sounds like you are really struggling right now. I can sure understand being triggered by what's going on in your life. I hope that your doctor is doing something to help you, and not just making you feel bad about what happened. When things are this hard, maybe a few days in the hospital, or at least someplace safe and away from your everyday life and troubles (like staying with a trusted friend for a while) would help you to get a new perspective and renewed strength to continue on. You have done really well. Now you have had a relapse, but you can recover from this too. You've done it before and you can again. Just make sure that you are safe and that you get the help that you need.

[dayzee9]

((((((((((Rapunzel)))))))))))))))

Thank you for your kind words; but the fight this afternoon; was the agency workers came over & asked if I was thinking about the "S" word & I told them, right on! I later received a call from the hospital I has been my "respite" was not possible b/c my last 2 admissions weren't helpful to me so they are saying that I had verbalized my lack of help during my last 2 admissions, therefore, they wouldn;t take me.... that leaves going it on my own (w/ blade in hand) or the state mental hospital where I was physically & sexually abused last time I was mandated out there....I need respite...I have no friends that I can stay with........I am once again alone with the "urges" & "means" No one to call (I was everyone else's listening ear/therapist & the ball doesn't swing both ways as it should.................so.............oh, and my T is on vacation for a week. My GP tried to help...he's inexperienced when it comes to psych..

Fellow SIers, make yourselves heard about any negligence/ mistreatment/ etc. that's what hospital social workers are there for & it is your right to request to speak to one!

Truck On................dayzee9 out..............4good

[wisewoman]

Dayzee, I am sorry it's so rough. I like your idea about people writing their experiences with the medical profession around si and suicide attempts. Maybe it would wake up the jerks who work in these places. I swear they need a lot more training in mental health issues. If you get anything like that together, it would be cool to circulate through all of the hospital's and crisis centers we can find. Good luck.

[dottie]

Right on with your post. I have seen so much unprofessional behaviour from Behavioural Techs..as well.

Makes you wonder about what's going on in the Human resource office.

Years ago,I witnessed one BT manhandle a young boy. I went right along the chain of command to get this guy outta there. It was weeks before they weeded him out! Disgusted!

On the flip side I have seen the good accomplished when really qualified folks are hired. The difference is amazing.

~Dottie

[Rapunzel]

Dayzee, are you there? I'm really worried about you. Please check in, ok?

[hereiam]

Dayzee...some people just don't get it. But we are here to listen, try to understand, and most definitely care. Especially for and about you! Please check back in, because you've got a few of us worried.

[dayzee9]

I feel like tearing the apt apart to find that damn knife AND YOU want to KNOW WHY?????!!!!

People like Wisewoman who say it would be great to have something like that (a anti-stigma; anti-SI "abuse" in ER's across the US & farther) BUT WHO WILL STAND UP AND TELL ME THEIR STORIES...................otherwise my life has absolutely no purpose what's so ever. This weekend I took an OD that SHOULD HAVE KILLED ME....I studied it beforehand...,I cut again & I really needed some time out to rest the body, kill the infections, respite..........BUT NO, they made me sit in the ER waiting room for 9 hours, denied me admission, so I took the OD...and the last thinng you want to hear is your husband saying "Are sleeping in today?"
I have a therapist on vacation who took my "S" threat as something comical; my shrink never talks to me (except every 3 months & if I say the "S" word to him, he says the State Psychiatric Hospital (I;ve been there/PTSD in motion) I have no friends (really! I'm totally agoraphobic...........so I cut! If I cut too deep I have to go to the ER & there.........I appreciate your support, ya'l but I can't handle this anymore........I can't even say the "S" word, and they'll probably delete this thread.......delete my life, everyone else has!
Peace to all who exit here: DAYZEE9

[Rapunzel]

(((((((Dayzee)))))))))

I'm glad that you are still with us, and I hope that you will hang in there. Please believe that things will get better.

[dayzee9]

Thanks for the energy folks; but I've lost too much blood; I yesterday I found out I have a small hernia; today I found outI have s small tumor near in my near right eye temple/brain.............the specialist took an entire drug history all the way back to cocaine & acid at age 10 -- now he has to consult other doctors b/c they are nervous b/c my brain cells are so fried & it's a 8 hour surgery, they're nervous.

All that cutting, burning , etc. over the years just to cope, just to get people to understand that I needed better coping skills.....so instead the doctors just medicated me heavily so that my husband had to lead me around & feed me drugs during the day....ECT's.....go home, I pick up the blade & try to cut out of deperation, I needed release from that horror movie called "life".....now, I've been cutting to release big time..........NOW, the doctors all want to cut me...........what do you say to that?.......Bye!

Peace to All Who Have Entered here; DAYZEE9

[tamzinrose]

That's some sick irony. I'm sorry dayzee. If you wanna talk, I'm here, k?