Why do you feel like hurting your self when you hurt on the inside?

last night I got into it with hubby over the phone!!! i ended up ripping four or five handfuls of hair from my head.... i thought of cutting my legs, but i just could bring myself to do it!!!
my head is sooo sore today.. especially behind my ear.
so why do i feel the need to do these things? cna anyone help me?

(((((( mel )))))))

I'm sorry you are hurting

I know exactly this feeling.

You were there for me when I was cutting up my legs and was embarrassed for doing this to my legs for the first time.

I usually cut up my arms or starve myself because I just can't cope.

I can't handle my emotions especially to do with anger. I don't like getting upset or anything like that. The more angry and out of control...the more likely I am to hurt myself via cutting or starving myself, which is a form of control.

The only thing is ...when I cut up my legs...things were completely out of control and I just wanted to hurt myself and when I do I feel a rush and relief from doing that as well. Sort of like a drug.

Many things going on at once.

I'm not sure if this helped any. I hope it did help you understand or that you could relate.

If you need anything pm me or yahoo me anytime.

I miss talking to you.

Please take care
Eva

thanks eva! i really miss talking to you too!

the more angry and frustrated i got last night the more hair i pulled. it seems the more i feel like that the more i want ot hurt myself. its like i feel better by hurting myself.. like i can take some one elses pain away if only i hurt myself.... does that make sense?

For me I find that the external pain distracts me from the internal pain to a greater or lesser degree. That's all I can say.

that is how I feel too Caroline

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{mrb}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I do this because its easier to dwell on the physical pain than it is to deal with the emotional pain.

Jbug

i also agree that it's easier to deal with the physical than the internal and that it's a method of distraction.

however, generally if i cut it's because it is a control issue. other people can hurt me but -this- i do to myself. i control how much it hurts, what hurts, how it hurts, etc. it's a not healthy way of taking control over my own body.

i also do it when i have too much ickiness (yep that's the technical term i think). i'm not very good at figuring out my own emotions or what causes them so it helps me sometimes to hurt myself so that i can see the angry marks. like making the ephemeral emotion of pain/anger/hurt/rage whatever into something concrete. something i can see and understand.

maybe that's just me. hope that helps.

-shadow

Sorry you're having a tough time. That was when I finally realized my marriage was done... when I was hurting so much that I started pulling my hair out. My husbands response was to complain that evening that it had been difficult for him to work that day because I upset him??? Anyway, i find i hurt myself in an effort to make the outside match the inside. When the pain inside is too much I don't know how else to fix it, but to make the outside match and somehow that makes it easier to deal with. Doesn't really explain very clearly but it seems to help me at the time. Guess it also has to do with rage and self loathing. At times I just get so angry at myself that this is what fixes it. Not very rational I realize, but I'm working at it.
Good luck, and don't hurt too much. Try to be nice to yourself for today........

mel....why didnt you call me? you know ive been there and we could have talked..between you and you hubby yall have tried to understand why i cut myself, dont go down that road once you have you cant turn back...the need to do do is so much greater after that first cut, its like a drug you crave the feelings from it, the sensation the tingle that lets you know your alive, you grow to need to feel that pain....sweetie dont im begging you please dont start that, your my backbone when i feel the urge stay strong as my mom has told me....
this to will pass..love you mel..

That's why I cut on my arm. I don't know what to do with the pain inside my heart. It hurts so much that I need the relief I get from cutting. I can see these cuts and I know it is real.

I cut on my arm tonight because there was so much pain in my heart. I can only cry so much before I need to let myself know that the pain is real. Cutting myself shows me that it is real.

I agree as well. I like what u said because it is so true...for me as well.
It's funny because i was just listening to that Papa Roach song a few mins b4 reading this post! i was trying to ease some anxiety b4 i post something myself...but thanks for posting this...

When my SI was really bad, I mostly did it out of habit for no particular reason, but the past few months, every time I've lapsed it's been because of some emotional crisis.

For me, it's sometimes out of anger at myself (feeling like I deserve to be in pain), but more often it's a control thing. My worst urges are when I'm upset about some external problem, but I can't do anything about it.

I get to the point where my head feels like it will just explode. The stress just builds and builds and when I don't have anyone to talk to i.e. Therapist, I end up doing something that I have some control over....self harm. It feels so good and then I feel so guilty. But in that moment it is all I can think of to releave the stress.

By the way I don't cut, I do something else that is more longterm determental to my health.

endorphins

Validation. I was always told to suck it up and deal with it, that I was too sensitive, and that I was overreacting. I would try to explain just how overwhelmed and upset I was and I was constantly left feeling invalidated and wondering if I really was just being too sensitive. ("You're being too sensitive" was their go-to phrase any time I was angry or experiencing any negative emotion, really.) By cutting, I was validating that internal pain and anger to myself. If I was upset enough to do the things I did to myself, I was obviously not just being silly and my feelings were as real and as intense as I was trying to say they were. Seeing and feeling the damage I had done was pretty much the only validation I got for way too many years.

I guess in a roundabout way, it was also my way of communicating just how real my feelings actually were. Every time I ended up in the ER, their tune would change from "quit being so sensitive" to "I wish you'd told us how bad you were feeling, we could have helped." I suppose it took them being aware of the worst of my "handiwork" to fully realize just how valid my feelings were too. I had been trying tell them repeatedly, after all. I hid it pretty well, but when it's bad enough to warrant an ER visit, you gotta do what you gotta do.

I never realized any of this until a while after I quit (2 years now!), it sure would have been helpful though.