[notablackbarbie]

I have a question about SI. I am sorry in advance if my question is triggery in any way, but its just something i am wondering about...:

Would picking at pimples and blemishes (boils, blackheads etc) - like tearing at your skin and enjoying that you are puncturing and scraping at yourself to remove ALL the mess thats underneath count as self-harm? My mom looks at me more and more often and asks "why do i keep damaging my face?" because i pick at it so much, leaving scabs here and there and there...

Its not that i have BAD acne...i guess i don't mind potentially disfiguring myself because i am ugly anyway.

[Miracle1986]

I do the same thing.
I also pick at scabs to prevent healing.
I believe it is self injury, but I could be wrong.
Maybe it's just a bad habit.

[Sannah]

SI classically is causing pain to improve your mood. It sounds like you are punishing yourself? Do you do it because of anxiety?

[notablackbarbie]

I have GAD, but idk...I DO often do this to punish myself with a ongoing negative internal script in my head. I guess i ask because i wonder: is this just another form of general self-sabotage that needs to stop, or is this also SI that i need to specifically treat?? I guess there is also this weird part of me that envies others that deal with struggles/emotions/events/triggers with an ACTUALl action - binge, purge, drink, run, f***, smoke, cut = escape somehow for release. I, ontheotherhand, am just on this neverending cycle of self-hatred, hopelessnes, and worthlessness...Thanx for your feedback...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by notablackbarbie

is this just another form of general self-sabotage that needs to stop, or is this also SI that i need to specifically treat??

I, ontheotherhand, am just on this neverending cycle of self-hatred, hopelessnes, and worthlessness

Do you know where this self-hatred and worthlessness comes from?

I don't think that you can just stop because if you could you would have by now. I think that you need to work on why you are doing it. You have identified why - the self hatred, so work on that?

Also, when you are doing the picking remind yourself in that moment why you are doing it (the self hatred). I have had success on stopping and/or changing things when I make myself aware of what is really going on.

Are you in therapy?

[notablackbarbie]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you know where this self-hatred and worthlessness comes from?

I don't think that you can just stop because if you could you would have by now. I think that you need to work on why you are doing it. You have identified why - the self hatred, so work on that?

Also, when you are doing the picking remind yourself in that moment why you are doing it (the self hatred). I have had success on stopping and/or changing things when I make myself aware of what is really going on.

Are you in therapy?

I am in therapy. The negative script was literally beaten into me when i was young. And i know its a generational thing w/my history of child abuse cuz the paternal grandparent B4 that was a TYRANT. The parent that did this is older and sicker now with hospital involvement and whatnot. I look at that parent now with rage & bitterness...and pity (which has the little girl inside crying "nofair!") Its just what i know and believe and feel/think i deserve = pain & punishment because i am a bad girl. Ive been told often to use what happened as insentive (sp?) to do/be better and "proove all the haters wrong!" But i cant. I feel like a foolish fraud thats just worthless. I look at me to reflect and consider... and just hate me. So i punish me. I tried hitting myself a few times and it felt awkward. Picking at blemishes on myself - with the pain, blood, tearing, scabs, scars - just makes sence... Others are too old to punish me (whose too big now too) with pain, so i'll do it myself cuz i am still a bad girl. A lot of this ive talked about in therapy, except WHAT I DO which ive...only...just...been able...to say...here??

[notablackbarbie]

i am so sick. And so bad.

[Miracle1986]

You're not bad.
You're human.

[notablackbarbie]

Thanx for the feedback on my questions...and everything else that spilled out from my head/memories onto here.

Thank you God for also providing another little "nudge" to work on this some more = my appointment with my pdoc that was scheduled for next week has been moved to this friday So, i guess i try to bring this up at that time too.

(again begins to)

(P.S. Am i allowed to actually print this thread - or any of my other posts/comments in pc forums - off to use in therapy? I'm kinda unsure from reading the community guidelines...)

[Sannah]

So do you think that your mentally ill parents were correct about what they told you about yourself? You always have to consider the source.

Yes, you can print this out and share it in therapy. Many people do this and they have found it helpful.

Another thing, I have found that many people hold on to what their parents told them because from a very small age we are always trying to please our parents so that they will love us. I have found that when a person tries to give up what they have been told that they sort of feel like they are going against their parents wishes and this interferes with that goal of finally getting the parent to love them correctly. If this is true for you just the realization of this can unlock the hold that these beliefs have on you.