[Liquid]

Hi there,

Ive been looking at this forum for a while now and i was wondering why nobody had posted anything since june of this year, but then i realised that theres a different format to the date! OK. I just wanted to share my experience of finding this forum, it WAS a great feeling initially to stumble upon a site where people are openly talking about self harm. I know that they exist, but i just havent come across any before. So hello to all you self harmers...

I have read a number of reasons why people self harm here, but does anybody self harm because they hate themself and just want to do damage? Perhaps that is THE reason people self harm. Why else take a blade to your skin and enjoy watching the blood flow? Its dissapointing when it eventually stops flowing, but i do feel lighter as a result and able to put the blade away.

....Im really tempted to go into detail.... thats enough for now

I wish you guys all the best

[Eva1nder]

Hi Liquid ...and welcome.

I think ppl self injure for different reasons. Self hatred is not one that sets that into motion for me.

For me I actually hate that I do it and hate that it feels as if at times it controls me, but I will admit I do like the feeling of it. That is the problem...sort of addicting...an addiction.

For me it feels literally like a drug and it's also a way to cope. When I'm hurting or really angry I go right into si mode.

This is just some of my reasons.

Thats enough from me right now...lol

Thanks for sharing though and listening to me ramble.

Welcome again and take care
Eva

[Liquid]

Hi eva

My counsellor mentioned that part of my pain is failing to accept that i am in a struggle. Ive been brainwashed by my father to live the life he wanted to lead, to seek perfection. Consequently whatever i have achieved has never been enough.

When i am in a hole, that is too much on the opposite end of perfection for me to handle. Yes, i suppose it is anger associated with the pain directed onto myself but i also feel like i deserve everything that i get when i am cutting myself. In addition to pill popping and starvation its one of the active ways in which i seek to do harm to myself, perhaps i feel pleasure from self destructing? Im sorry it seems like an absurd idea to me and really perverse! How many of you have been called an attention seeker?

Im just glad i have somewhere to talk about this to people that are not trying their bestest to sympathise with me or to pay the bills, but people that are living it. Thats cool. If any of this makes sense please drop me a line.

Thank you for your prompt reply.

Liquid

[Eva1nder]

You know Liquid ... I really can relate to what you wrote ...a lot of it.

Also, I thought about the little bit that you went through with your dad and your life and even though it's a tiny bit I can imagine.

I think we can get into some pretty deep conversations tho if I kept responding...lol.

I'm glad you found this place. I think you will find that you have a lot in common with many here and feel comfortable.

pm me anytime as well...glad you are here.

Take care
Eva

[ickydog2006]

Hi Liquid...welcome to the forum.
I cut for so many reasons. A lot of it relates to both you and Eva. One reason is, like you, I have never been able to meet the perfection standard of my father. I am never good enough and sometimes I feel like I do deserve exactly what I am getting. This forum has helped me a lot with that aspect. Another reason is that it helps relieve emotinal pain. Sometimes it is brought on by memories and sometimes just really upsetting events that day. Either way I get the high. I know what you mean by the disappointing feeling you get when the blood stops coming. I suppose I should have written this post in past tense. I have made it 20 days cut free...but I still don't feel comfortable talking about it like I quit. I don't have faith that it will stay that way. Good luck...and I hope you find the help and wisdom you are seeking

[Liquid]

Thank you for the welcome icky....

Its good to hear that you have reached another level, where you are contemplating taking a different approach to regulating your disrupted emotions. I am new to self harming and cant imagine not having it as a pressure releasing mechanism or say that i would like to be free from it. The only downside are the scars, but i wouldnt erase them if i had the option to do so. They are gross, ungross and both at the same time, they are me, all 16 of them. Keep us posted with how you are coping without it. I had the strongest urge a few hours ago but restrained myself and now i dont feel the need anymore!

Take care

Liquid

[Liquid]

My counsellor introduced me to a game today. Its where you imagine your perfect day, what time you wake up, how you feel, what you do etc etceterra. I couldnt paint her a clear enough picture at the time so im doing it now. Here it is:

comfortable
not drinking too much
regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week)
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries
at ease
eating well (no more microwave dinners and saturated fats)
a patient better driver
a safer car (baby smiling in back seat)
sleeping well (no bad dreams)
no paranoia
careful to all animals (never washing spiders down the plughole)
keep in contact with old friends (enjoy a drink now and then)
will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in wall)
favors for favors
fond but not in love
charity standing orders
on sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants)
car wash (also on sundays)
no longer afraid of the dark
or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate
nothing so childish
at a better pace,
slower and more calculated
no chance of escape
now self-employed
concerned (but powerless)
an empowered and informed member of society (pragmatism not idealism)
will not cry in public
less chance of illness
tires that grip in the wet
shot of baby strapped in back seat
a good memory
still cries at a good film
still kisses with saliva
no longer empty and frantic
like a cat
tied to a stick
that's driven into
frozen winter %#@&#! (the ability to laugh at weakness)
calm
fitter, healthier and more productive
a pig in a cage on antibiotics

-Radiohead: fitter happier more productive

[Liquid]

[Hope4me2]

Hi Liquid welcome to the forums
I SI too and I do it for several reasons but my main one is because I hate myself so much....you described some of what I feel most of the time...
take care

when I get the urge its not because of self hate. its because so much is bouncing around inside my head that I need to release some of those feelings that come with it. before cutting my head is going every which way. During the act I am concentrating on the act not whats going on in my head and then after the fact theres this instant calm feeling of tangible realness instead of the intangible thoughts. its like you can physically touch something so you know it is real and so you can do something physically to fix it. the feeiling of cutting breaks past that feeling on numbness or fast forwards thoughts in my head. Its not like "oh I hate myself today so Im going to cut myself"

[Liquid]

Youve just described perfectly my first experience of cutting. I was overwhelmed with the emotional pain, together with the confusion and struggle to be released from the emotional chains that were holding me at that time. It was an act of turning those feelings into something real, physical pain followed by a physical high and scars as proof of what i had been feeling. If SI is can be utilised in a 'healthy' way, perhaps that is it because its not often that you find yourself in that state. However, i seem to be doing it now to punish myself (like hope describes) and, maybe, others too. Is there a link between SI and the people that you feel have hurt or let you down?

Thank you both for sharing your thoughts with me.

[Liquid]

[Liquid]

Perhaps its just me or too personal a subject to be talking about. Its just the first two times that i have cut myself have been following breakups, when ive felt really hurt and betrayed by another.

[Rapunzel]

Liquid,

I think that a lot of people who cut do it when they have been hurt by someone they care about or from whom they expected better. I certainly can relate to it. I've felt like maybe they don't understand how much they have hurt me, so I have to make it visable and "show them" (whether or not they will ever see the evidence or hear about it). It can be a way of validating your own pain, by proving to yourself that you hurt, otherwise you wouldn't have an injury.

[Liquid]

Gosh theres so many facets to self harming and 'the other' element cannot be ignored since we are social beings and gain our sense of self through our relationships with other people. 'Punishing' is a word that my T used, she felt that i had cut myself one night because i felt angry with her for referring to me and my emotions as a pressure cooker, and that i was punishing her! That was news to me, because how could i be punishing HER by cutting MY skin?! Again, its probably not a case of one or the other but a bit of both at the same time. We cut to fulfill a personal need, needs that are related to how we view ourselves in society and what we are getting from the various people we are surrounded with. All i know is that ive been feeling SO empty for the past two days because i havent had the urge to cut at all!

[(JD)]

Hi

Remember you can use the search engine ON THIS SITE for more information. "Old Notes" thread and other's comments. TC Old notes

[(JD)]

Ok, I have done that several times and in different ways, it isn't working. Search the site for "old notes" subject and _Sky as member...

TC

[Rapunzel]

One concept that's hard to grasp is that cutting doesn't only hurt us. It also hurts people who care about us. Maybe part of the reason that is so hard is because we have difficulty making sense of emotions without physical evidence. Yeah, when you hurt yourself it hurts your T too and other people. Especially when we have that "here, see what you made me do" attitude (expressed or unexpressed). We're really not being nice when we do that.

Just sharing what I'm learning that seemed to be relevant.

Rap

[Liquid]

Thats why i love it here. I can share my experiences and it wont be taken in a bad way. Its not alien to cut yourself here.

[Rapunzel]

Liquid, I am sincerely glad that you feel comfortable here. I hope that it helps you. Finding a place where you are accepted for who you are, and not ostracized for the way you cope with life's challenges has meant a lot to me too. Please do understand, however, that this is a support forum, not how-to. We need to keep it safe for everybody, and I hope that we are moving in the direction of getting better.

[Liquid]

Im sincerely sorry if i have upset anyone, that was really inconsiderate of me. I get too caught up with how im feeling and how to express it to think that my comments could be damaging to anyone else. Especially as im single minded and couldnt be gently 'persuaded ' into cutting my own skin from hearing another persons rants! Depressed or not depressed. Very schoolboyish, i know, but i do it cos I want to! Ive got it off my chest now. Im again if ive truly upset anyone...

[Liquid]

Self-injury is an expression of acute psychological distress. It is an act done to oneself, by oneself, with the intention of helping oneself rather than killing oneself. Paradoxically, damage is done to the body in an attempt to preserve the integrity of the mind.

—Jan Sutton and Deb Martinson (Secret Shame website), January 2003

[Liquid]

OMG this is such a great poem, excussseeeee meee again, DONT look below if ur feeling vulnerable right now >>