Some insight please

Alright, this could be a trigger for anyone, and I would hate to be the cause of a trigger so please read with caution. Thank you very much...

There's something that's bothering me and that I don't really understand. I don't like to talk about it, but I know that I'm on this site to seek help and support so... Here it goes.

I have cut, and I am constantly resisting the strong urge to cut again. I haven't for about 3 months now, and so I'm really proud of myself. However it feels like any day that could change.

Perhaps the most frustrating thing about this is that I haven't always cut because of any sort of emotional turmoil or pain. Instead I am disturbed because a good portion of the time I will cut merely.. To cut. To see the blood, to see the skin sliced over, and then to watch it heal. It's more of a fascination and a curiosity for me. This seems to be the urge that I am desperately combating right now.

And so I don't understand, and I'm trying to figure out why I have such stronger urges to harm myself when I can't find any emotional pain that would explain the behavior or urge.

If you have any insight on this, I would really appreciate any input. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Edit: Oh, I know that one reason I have a habit of cutting, even without emotional triggering of some sort, is because in my mind I have a twisted belief that I should always have some sort of scratch or bruise on my body. It seems like the norm, I grew up with scratches and bruises from rough housing and climbing trees. So I kind of identified with those scratches and bruises. I hardly rough house as much as I used to, and I've learned to climb trees without getting any scratches... So when I have no scratches or anything, it just feels wrong.

Sometimes it's something a trigger we don't even know about. Something we see on someone else were hearing about? Maybe something that is stressing us out, We don't even KNOW it's something that's stressing us out....Sometimes it's something that helps us feel connected and grounded to the world when were isolated from people too long or even our own emotions when we feel nothing you know in that numb state, cutting can become dangerously high? Sometimes that's a dangerous time to tell us that we can even subconsciously be depressed and not even know it....There is a huge list, those are just some things I thought of...I know that I can go for months and not cut and get praise and then just ruin it all and be cutting? ARG??? And I think what caused those months of sobriety from cutting? What happened? I mean it can be the smallest thing the smallest thing too a very big thing that hasn't moved itself to the forefront yet...Take your time write whatever comes to mind when your having those feelings down...Do you have a therapist? If so share your thought's you might just un mask the problem or you ur trigger.... It's never a failure for you though okay all the hard work you have done...You just pick up and keep moving on

Thank you very much kalisha26. I forgot that it could be a subconscious cry of some sort... and I can see how something very tiny could even trigger it.

I don't have a therapist, even though I've thought about it... However my problems don't seem to be pressing enough yet to really seek one. I almost did a few years ago, but I was able to work through my issues and even seemingly 'fix' a good portion of them without a therapist. Right now I have a really supportive friend that checks on me and tries to make sure that I'm taking care of myself and that I have people to talk to. She's really awesome.

So thank you a lot. The suggestion that perhaps it's a way to feel grounded and connected really rang to me, so I'll continue to think about it and I appreciate your input a lot.

Do you feel that you suppress your feelings?

I know that I used to suppress my feelings... but I've worked rather hard on expressing them more often. That's kind of something I don't understand is that, I've gotten so much better at communicating my feelings and knowing how to release them... However whatever depression and SI got worse or at least more intense. However I do keep that entirely to myself, I'll journal about it...

Maybe you have repressed things from the past that are causing your SI urges?

I've thought about that too, and I'm not so sure how likely that is. I've talked with my family about anything that happened, and I'm welcome to talk about anything that I happen to remember or that happens to bother me. Also my brain tends to utterly forget anything negative that happened... But my mom and I have figured out some of the quirks I have from stuff that I don't remember... I don't know, the worst thing that i know that happened was my mom and dad fighting because he was more than drunk. But they got divorced when I was 3 and we've worked out our problems.

I don't SI (ok at least not physically) but most of my friends do and I have a riend who was a therapist with a lot of people who SI. From what I have heard it releases endorphins and is addictive and some times our addictions can resurface for "no" reason.

This part of what you said really caught my attention "And so I don't understand, and I'm trying to figure out why I have such stronger urges to harm myself when I can't find any emotional pain that would explain the behavior or urge." Sometimes when we don't hurt that in and of itself can be a trigger. Many us find more comfort in the familiar than we do in the safe/healthy. For so many of us here on PC we are SO used to pain that we strongly feel the urge to get back to our familiar place of pain.

Thank you for that Omers, that's really interesting to know. It makes sense too...

Sometimes we SI too because there were times that we were emotionally so scarred that we couldn't speak the words that hurt us so bad emotionally...Sometimes it's so bad that we are so numb to the feelings we need to express that just seeing the blood the cut's the artificial pain I say artificial because most of us don't feel pain when we cut, because were so numb that we need to see the blood the scar's the skin open the flesh to know were ALIVE....I know that's the case for me...I only just now after just now going into starting my 4th year of therapy did I now realize with my arms I might have said sorry if I did, however why I use them as a tool, but sometimes I do it just because not even a reason......Just like you mentioned...I don't even feel triggered? Or so I don't think I am? However our mind is working overtime allot of time!!! That's why if we have issues like these having a therapist is so important...Someone that's not emotional in our lives, NOT SAYING at all that your good friend is NOT doing you justice...However someone that can see beyond what were saying, knows what were really saying because there trained is really beneficial? Just a suggestion....Take care and biggest hugs and I so relate so your NOT ALONE,
Kalisha

I looked at your test results in your profile and you score high on some areas. Sometimes problems can be caused by too close of boundaries with a parent (enmeshed boundaries). Looking back nothing looks abusive and you got loads of attention but the thing that was harmful was that you were suffocated and not allowed to develop as an individual.

Funny thing is that, yes I have been given a lot of attention as a child, but my mother has greatly encouraged me to be an individual. If there was something I wanted to do she encouraged that I do that. If it's not what I wanted to do... then I didn't always unless it would be a good learning experience. I am a people pleaser naturally, I don't like others to be upset so I guess sometimes I take other people's problems too hard. Or if they're mad at me it really upsets me.

This sounds like a boundary issue.

May I ask you to elaborate please, Sannah? Just so that I may understand what you're pointing out, I'm sorry if I seem a bit slow right now. I've actually been sick the past few days.

No problem, I didn't elaborate earlier in case you weren't interested or already understood.

Boundaries are needed to keep other's business with them. Of course you can move the boundary when needed when you want other's business to affect you but to be healthy it is helpful to keep a boundary up so that you aren't absorbing other's issues. You can't take on everyone's issues, it's just impossible.

So when you mention that you hate to see other's upset or hate to have them angry with you, a boundary could be helpful.

Oooh okay, I gotcha. I've gotten rather good at building boundaries.. Well compared to some years ago anyway. It's just a really fine balance between having boundaries and also not appearing cold and callous. It can be difficult to find..

Sometimes it can appear cold and callous. Do you have some people pleasing needs that get triggered with this?

People pleasing needs that get triggered by appearing cold and callous? ..Perhaps only to reassure them that I do care, and if I don't think they believe me I'll get a little anxious. I've learned not to stress about it though. My friends generally know who I am, and how my personality is, so they understand that even if I appear cold or callous, it doesn't mean that I don't care...