[Leo The Lion]

Today, November 23rd, would've been my younger brother's birthday. He'd died six years ago of a brain tumor. He's the only person I've ever truly loved or cared about and watching him die slowly and painfully was worse than any of the abuse I've taken over the years. Every year on his birthday I go and get extremely drunk until I pass out-- but it doesn't end there. Usually for the next two months I'm in this haze and if I'm not drunk I'm high and if I'm not high I'm drunk. As another tradition, I usually go out and bother fighters who are higher up then me, and annoy them until they beat me up. I burn myself. Sometimes I'll cut my stomach. Every year I get closer and closer to just ending it. I ride on my bike and try and get run over, crash into things. I go on the top of buildings and look down, waiting to fall. I'm asking for trouble. I can't stop myself. I don't know what to do. Help!

[LookingforCalm]

Please don't hurt yourself. You are really hurting yourself because you are so sad for your loss, and you haven't really given yourself time or a chance to grieve. You need to grieve, and not in a destructive way.

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I'm also sorry for all the abuse you've sustained. I'm sorry you feel so alone that you just want to end it all. I've been there too.

But don't end it because of this. Even though it sucks, life has to go on. I lost a friend earlier this year to cancer, and to be honest it made me feel more alive. I realized that I had more to see, more people to meet, and more things to do than I ever imagined. And that was after I broke up with an abusive person and moved into my own apartment!

Believe me, I'm divorced and have been in some bad relationships. I come from a broken family who I am just now willing to spend time with because of their stupid drama. But nothing is more important than having the strength to move on.

Please - please! If you are this suicidal you should really seek some help. I think you are in such despair you can't see a way out, but there things you can do to help yourself. I've been there, too.

But thank you for reaching out. If you need cyber buddy to help you, I'm here. But please don't do anything else to hurt yourself. You deserve more than that and you have a chance to live this life, if you want it.

I'm worried about you! Email me if you like...

[Sannah]

Leo, I would think that you would need to work through this in therapy. Please continue to keep us posted.

[Leo The Lion]

I'm sorry too, LookingforCalm, that you've had experiences with cancer and abuse as well. I hate it so much... And you're right, both of you, that I should get help but I know I just can't. I'll try, though, I will...

And thanks Looking, I'd love to be cyber buddies.

Also, today the strangest thing happened. After I posted I had to get out of the house so I took my bike and road around. Got incredibly drunk. I drove around for a while but I ended up at my friend's house. The lead singer of my band. I only remember bits and pieces but I think I told him a little bit about what'd happened to me, and a little bit about my brother and... I don't know. It was painful, so painful. But he was actually really happy that I'd let him in and he said that he'd never be mad! I mean... I thought that was pretty great. I always thought we had that kind of "opportunity" friendship, but it seems like he actually cares, haha. I do feel kind of naked, though, even though he barely knows anything. I just know that if he ever decided to hurt me I'd be.... I don't know. Eventually I said I had to go and went home before he could make me stay. He wanted me to sober up first but I had to get out of there. I also feel pretty stupid now though.

Talking to my friend distracted me for a while, but now my mind's back on Andy and I don't know how I'm gonna get through tonight. I'm already starting to drink. My apartment is really dark and small, I hate it sometimes. It makes me feel like an idiot.

I almost want to call my friend again. It was so nice just being in the same room as him. Knowing he was there. He really cares. But I know I'd be a moron to call him. I mean, one that would make me even more pathetic, and two, after I ran out like that in a hurry he's probably a bit pissed.

[invisigirl]

I doubt he's pissed. From the sound of it, he is a good friend and a good listener who cares about you and wants to offer you his support.

You should take him up on it! I bet he would be glad to hear from you and know that you got home safely. You could even say you're sorry for rushing out or something, you know? Sometimes people are more annoyed that you are putting yourself in danger than anything else and a simple 'hey, wanted to let you know I'm ok' can really mean a lot.

Take care, Leo. We all want you to be safe.

[Sannah]

What is holding you back from getting help?

[Leo The Lion]

Well, what happened was I did end up calling him-- but a lot later when I was drunk out of my mind. I think I babbled about being sorry and that I couldn't believe he wasn't angry before and I don't think he was angry then. Like you said, invisigirl. He was happy to know I was okay... Sorry I'm being weird about this though. This whole thing about real life, and he's actually caring about me like I was family or something, it's just really blowing my mind, haha... And thanks invisigirl. You're hardly invisible, haha. You guys' help on here is amazing.

@Sannah: I really don't know. But I'm definitely going to try and find a therapist..... I guess part of me isn't really sure I deserve it. Andy is the one who should've lived and gotten a therapist and moved on. I don't know. I'm being weird. I'll still try and see how getting one works out.

[Nemo39122]

((((((((Leo))))))))
I agree with the people who said it's probably best to work things out in therapy. But, I also know how hard it can be to get yourself to go. Having a friend to talk to can really help, especially when its a friend that's like family to you. My friend and I talked awhile back and both admitted alot of issues (strangely very similar issues) and now we're alot closer, I even think of her as a sister.

I wish I had better advice for you, but good luck with everything and I hope you feel better soon

[Sannah]

We can support you on your journey of finding a therapist (and support you with everything else too!) I'm glad that you talked to your friend.

[Leo The Lion]

Thanks Not_Emo and Sannah.
And, no, that's a really nice story. I like to hear that sharing your problems didn't destroy your friendship, but strengthened it. I thought it would destroy mine but it didn't, and I'm still getting over that.