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#1
Jan 12, 2011, 01:29 AM
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I set some goals for myself for this year and one of those goals was to get a year no si under my belt. Looking back over at least the last 10 years, there has not been a time I was able to do that. Pretty sure it didn't really happen before that either. Here we are 11 days into the year and I almost want to give up fighting. the last 2 days have been pretty harsh. Thought I might come down a bit after seeing my therapist but instead, it made things significantly worse.
Thus far this evening I have spent some time with my kid and her friend, took him home and checked on his mother, cooked dinner, played games, attempted to chat more than once, watched some Dirty Jobs and now watching chopped. I have taken something to help me sleep but at this point it has not worked. So now I haev resorted to posting here just to keep my mind and hands busy for a couple minutes. The part of me that set that goal for myself is really fighting to take are of myself. Another part of myself says that I made it through 11 days. That has to count for something. Which it does but it doesn't. Tomorrow I have a super long meeting at work which will keep me busy for most of the day. I need to get from now till then. Then I will have to get through tomorrow evening. Suggestions, ideas, opinions, something? It is worth it to me to keep fighting but only barely.
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I have a dream that one day the chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it? I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. ~Kurt Cobain~ Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. ~Kurt Cobain~ Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it. ~Elizabeth Wurtzel~ |
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#2
Jan 12, 2011, 11:50 AM
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HI Dark dreams - im sorry im only just coming to this post - how did you go?
did you see that there are stickies at the top of the page that may help you get on towards your goal maybe i will join you - there is strength in numbers - lets do the year together and anyone else who wants to join us we may not be able to get through this alone - but together we are unstoppable let us know how you went ok P7  
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts  its how many times you get back up!   (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#3
Jan 12, 2011, 11:52 AM
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Hey DD, so you are digging in therapy and it is triggering?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
 phoenix7
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#4
Jan 12, 2011, 07:20 PM
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Not digging in therapy at all. Other stuff going on that has nothing to do with dealing with anything at all.
Thank you pheonix So far so good...if you can call it that. I purposely did not take any tools with me because I knew I was too close to the edge. Finally home and have no idea what to do now. I'm exhausted and my day won't really end for another 5 or so hours. I am seriously on the edge but I am doign the best I can. I am goingto do some writing and see if that helps some. Might help release a bit of the pressure. You are right. I know for a fact I cannot do this alone. Numbers are a powerful thing. Thank you
__________________
I have a dream that one day the chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it? I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. ~Kurt Cobain~ Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. ~Kurt Cobain~ Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it. ~Elizabeth Wurtzel~ |
| phoenix7
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#5
Jan 12, 2011, 07:36 PM
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I never make new years resolutions, and hadn't really thought of any goals for 2011 until now. No SI would be a good goal for myself.
I think that if I can stay away from harming myself, I will be able to trust people more, I will be less sneaky and shady, and I will be more confident in my body. Definitely a goal to work for! |
| phoenix7
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#6
Jan 12, 2011, 07:56 PM
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I am not one for new year's resolutions either. This isn't about being a resolution. It is about me trying to find a better way to live and consider it a first step in living a life that I can be proud of and be happy with. Self care is not something at which I am not particularly good but this would be the first step in trying to make that something I can do more often. Also, like you said, I would need to be sneaky less, I would have fewer reasons to hide myself from others and I can work on being more confident in my own body. No it is not going to solve all of my problems but it's something
__________________
I have a dream that one day the chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it? I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. ~Kurt Cobain~ Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. ~Kurt Cobain~ Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it. ~Elizabeth Wurtzel~ |
| phoenix7
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#7
Jan 12, 2011, 11:35 PM
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Hello, Dark_Dreams. I am rooting for you in your quest for a better life.
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| phoenix7
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#8
Jan 14, 2011, 05:11 PM
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Anxiety currently increasing. Supposed to go out and have coffee with a few people and as time goes by the more anxious I become. Si is very much an option but one which I am currently resisting. I know for a fact that it will decrease the anxiety to a manageable level. I also know that I will be kicking myself in a huge way later. I am meeting people for the first time and that is not the way I want to start off. I am going to try and keep myself busy until it is time to leave. That may be the only thing that keeps me from jumping out of my skin for the next couple hours.
__________________
I have a dream that one day the chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it? I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. ~Kurt Cobain~ Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. ~Kurt Cobain~ Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it. ~Elizabeth Wurtzel~ |
| phoenix7
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#9
Jan 14, 2011, 07:10 PM
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Good luck to you. Let us know how it went?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| phoenix7
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#10
Jan 15, 2011, 01:08 AM
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The whole thing proved rather pointless. I knew I should have stayed home. Not sure exactly what happened. No one else was there that I could tell. So once I got passed the anxiety part, the anger part kicked in. Oh well.
__________________
I have a dream that one day the chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it? I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. ~Kurt Cobain~ Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. ~Kurt Cobain~ Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it. ~Elizabeth Wurtzel~ |
| phoenix7
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#11
Jan 15, 2011, 01:45 AM
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still want something to distract you dark dreams? we have posted the psych evaluation we've done today, the test found at the top of the BPD forum, and its posted in the mens forum thread we talked in.
__________________
"The journey is one in which hope alternates with despair, reality with illusion, promise with denial, mental trial with mood swung elation, and a sniff of immortality with its ravaged counterpart; the awareness of bodily death" William Beckford's Vatrek. Circa 1786 |
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#12
Jan 15, 2011, 01:51 AM
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I will take a look. Thank you
__________________
I have a dream that one day the chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it? I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. ~Kurt Cobain~ Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. ~Kurt Cobain~ Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it. ~Elizabeth Wurtzel~ |
| phoenix7
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#13
Jan 15, 2011, 03:38 AM
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It would appear that all the anxiety was for nothing. Frmo what I can tell right now according to recent communication, this was all supposed to happen next Friday.
Oh well. So now I have a week to freak out and consider making another attempt at this. I feel kind of stupid for thinking it was supposed to be this evening. Miscommunication. Oh well.
__________________
I have a dream that one day the chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it? I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. ~Kurt Cobain~ Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. ~Kurt Cobain~ Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it. ~Elizabeth Wurtzel~ |
| phoenix7
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#14
Jan 15, 2011, 09:25 AM
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__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#15
Jan 16, 2011, 03:40 AM
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Quote:
 hmmm maybe not! I hope it all goes well for you - fingers crossed
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#16
Jan 16, 2011, 05:04 PM
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I am struggling with intense emotions which are always a really bad thing for me. I do NOT deal with emotions very well and the more intense the more I have no idea what to do with them.
__________________
I have a dream that one day the chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it? I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. ~Kurt Cobain~ Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. ~Kurt Cobain~ Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it. ~Elizabeth Wurtzel~ |
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#17
Jan 16, 2011, 05:14 PM
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I know exactly how you feel. Stopping SI is a goal for me this year too. I'm not really into resolutions either but I'm calling it that, maybe it'll add a little motivation not to. All I can say is take it a day at a time, even a minute at a time if you have to. The feeling you get later when you look back even to earlier that day and realize you got through it without SI helps more than SI itself sometimes. I came very close to SI last night and didn't, and I'm damn proud of that lol. So just take it a day at a time, and remember I'm a hug machine if needed
Good luck
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#18
Jan 16, 2011, 05:37 PM
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 Rock on emo. Well done. Congrats.
__________________
I have a dream that one day the chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it? I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. ~Kurt Cobain~ Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. ~Kurt Cobain~ Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it. ~Elizabeth Wurtzel~ |
| Nemo39122
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#19
Jan 17, 2011, 12:30 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#20
Jan 17, 2011, 01:49 PM
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I am irate, angry, frustrated, and add to that more than a little anxious.
Anxiety is nothing new particularly right about now. Work and school starting this week which always creates a bit of anxiety which will hopefully work itself out in time. By the second week, I am still anxious but not nearly as intensely. Right now I am trying to keep my heart from beating out of my chest but I will manage with that for now. At the moment it is completely overshadowed by the intense rage that has been building for days (maybe weeks?). And the serious rage is ugly and I have no idea what to do about it or where to go next. I cannot even really talk about it because I do not understand it. I can't put my finger on exactly why I am so angry. Yes I feel minimized and invalidated but to the point of such anger and rage? I have no idea.
__________________
I have a dream that one day the chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it? I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. ~Kurt Cobain~ Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. ~Kurt Cobain~ Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it. ~Elizabeth Wurtzel~ |
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#21
Jan 17, 2011, 02:17 PM
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Do you know what happened when you started becoming angry?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#22
Jan 17, 2011, 02:22 PM
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I do know what happened but not exactly sure why. The problem is that I don't even know what to do about it. I know what would be said to me if I really unloaded about it here but I do not want canned responses. I am pissed off at my T but unsure what to do about the whole thing.
__________________
I have a dream that one day the chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it? I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. ~Kurt Cobain~ Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. ~Kurt Cobain~ Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it. ~Elizabeth Wurtzel~ |
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#23
Jan 17, 2011, 02:24 PM
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You can PM me if you want. You can't know why or what to do until you have sorted it out and the best way of doing that is to get it outside of your head where you can examine it.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#24
Jan 18, 2011, 12:46 AM
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Thank you Sannah
__________________
I have a dream that one day the chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it? I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. ~Kurt Cobain~ Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. ~Kurt Cobain~ Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it. ~Elizabeth Wurtzel~ |
| Sannah
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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