[puzzclar]

I"m now living in a new state, with cramped space. I have about .5 a room and a little out in the living areas. It's really tight right now. And now where and how I used to SI doesn't look sanitary, so that's out of the question. Which I guess is a good thing. I just means more venting on here in order to get through this.

I'm just SO STRESSED Here's my list to do this week,
Get Textbooks
Find a Part time Job
Start waking up early
Relax sometime
Organize my room for the little space I have
And did I mention Job hunt!! Not to mention travel for an hour for my other part time job that is sparatic.

The good things of next week, and this week
I have a PDoc and we hopefuly will change on of the dosages.
I'm getting my eyes checked and new contacts.
I get to meet new people.
And hopefully I don't stay to isolated.....

And not to meniton this is my 50th post on here.... I gues that's a good thing. It means I've made it through most of the previous year. I just hope that I can find somethings that will make this area of living more less cramped. Soon, things will change.

So my goal is to make it through the Semester. No mater how much I have to get on here and just vent. I don't care if anyone reads them, It's just for me to get it out, instead of internalizing everything that I go through. And Now it's time to fool all of my roommates, the rest of the Univeristy, and the world.... I've done it before, and I'll keep doing it. No matter how much energy it takes. But I am scared that some one will find out and kick me out of college once again. I dont' think I could survive that again. So here's to keeping it from the world. Wish me good luck. I'm going to need it.

[Dark_Dreams]

I can relate to much of what you wrote.

Moving, looking for a job and buying textbooks? Eeeeeeeeeeeek
That is a lot of stress.

I like your list of positive things. isolating can be easy to do and hard to get out of. I hope getting out and meeting people helps you. I know it's a challenge too but in the end well worth it.

Hang in there and vent all you want here. I look forward to hearing how your semester is going

[Sannah]

Please continue to keep us updated............

[KeepHoldingOn]

Keep me posted on how you are doing puzz. Best of luck to you this semester!

[puzzclar]

Well, I got my books, and saved some money by shopping online, and they should be here by the end of the week. So that is good, after my break down last night, I am doing much better then I had expected. I'm actually excited for school now, I'm still a bit scared by the sher size of campus. and I'll have to take the bus system to get up to north campus. But I'm gettign better. and in 5 months I will be with my sister, and will have a job by then. I know it. I will continue to put out applications and do all the things that I need to do. But things just have to improve. I still haven't cut yet. so I"m good there. becuase my excuse is I dont' have the money to even start cutting and taking care of those cuts. So that is a good thing. I think I still have one thing to get for my class but it's like less than $20. so I'm doing much better. Now it's time to find my House DVD's and relax every night with them. And I need to go to the library. And then things will improve. THey just have too.

[Sannah]

Very good!

[puzzclar]

Anxiety is gettign to me a lot tonight. Yes I have to work tommorrow for a new district and I'm afraid that someone will remember how I left on year. I just am so fustrated. I dont' know to many people school is still 5 days away. and I just want to find a good friend to talk to, that I wont be scared to tell them about all this, and actually get someone to talk to. I'm just so fustrated with this all. I mean what more can I do to get rid of the anxiety??? If anyone has any suggestions, It's more than wanted right now.

[Sannah]

Starting a new school can make you nervous. This is normal for many people. If you are afraid of getting discovered at the "new district" this would make anyone nervous too. How are you doing today?

[puzzclar]

a bit better. since I got to work, so there's a little bit of money coming in. And I bought the wrong book online, but I found the right one and it will be in on saturday, then I can start to read the first few chapters. and do some job hunting. I just hope that a job in town, instead of what I've been doing for years. (with out so much Traveling) But those are just worries. i can't do anything but put more applications out there, and just keep going. I just have to find something...

[Sannah]

Very good!

[puzzclar]

Well my day has just gone down the drain... I can't get my degree untill the Hold from the discrimination is lifted. If it's not then I don't want to deal with life. I already hate what those two suspentions have done to me. I don't like it. I can't deal with this.... One one good note I did get one of my text books today. but that's the only good note, except for work, I got another 7 hours of work plus travel time. so that will help with the finances. I just hope I don't have to do something I dont' want to do....

[puzzclar]

Just when life may get better it gets worse..... I've had SI and SU thoughts. So I'm very annoyed by all this. I almost started to look up the best way to od... All because of what one school is doing. I really want to just wake up from this nightmare.

[Sannah]

Puzz, keep going to school. I'm sure that if you do well with this school they have to release the hold and let you get your degree. It is good for you to be in school. At this time the process is better than the outcome. You got your books and you have money coming in. Things ARE working out.

[puzzclar]

Then why do i want to go out and get something to cut with. mostly I'm scared, I can't do this alone, and yet I have to. I want someone to talk to in person but, there's no one around I can talk to. I want things I've wanted before, some good and some bad. And then there is the cutting. I want too but something inside me stops me.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

Then why do i want to go out and get something to cut with.

mostly I'm scared,

I can't do this alone, and yet I have to.

I want someone to talk to in person but, there's no one around I can talk to.

I hope you see that you answered your own question. I'm glad that something is stopping you from cutting.

The things that are bothering you are very understandable.......

Any ideas on how to meet some people?

[puzzclar]

Some time next week, I'll hopefully meet some people. But until then I have work tommorrow, for like 17 hours at least. and then work Monday at 6am then an Eye apt. and then class at 1. and I'm hoping to meet some people then.

But I made it through the day. now I will be going to bed for tomorrow's long day. But it will be good money.

And I made it through today. Next week on the other hand may be worse. i'll keep you posted.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

I have work
then an Eye apt. and then class at 1.

But I made it through the day. now I will be going to bed for tomorrow's long day.

But it will be good money.

These ^ are all good things. You are managing things in the moment. You can deal with next week when it gets here. Worrying about it now only stresses you out. Learning to live in the moment is a good thing. You are getting good at managing things in the moment so don't worry about the future. When it gets here you will handle it.

[puzzclar]

There's one other thing that is earitating, and drving me nuts. I really don't like that I have to go through steps to get the hold off my record at school in order to graduate. Especaly since they did discriminate agaist me. I just don't know what to do about this. except for to talk to the head of the school about it, and see if I can put some closer on that portion of my life. but for now, I will have class in less than 12 hours, and get to be at a schoool who doesn't know anything about me. which is a really good thing., I need people who don't know about everything... like the MDD or Psycosis. I just hope that things will get better soon. Like I know they will. Theyjust have too.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

I really don't like that I have to go through steps to get the hold off my record at school in order to graduate. Especaly since they did discriminate agaist me. I just don't know what to do about this. except for to talk to the head of the school about it, and see if I can put some closer on that portion of my life.

Is this always in the back of your mind bothering you?

How did class go?

[puzzclar]

Yes, it is a constant bother. i just want to graduate and be done with that school. I want to move on and be core certified

Classes are getting better, I am concerned with one of them but I am protected by law, so that may be a good thing. But I got to go to class now.

[Sannah]

You will eventually get that stuff staightened out. Please try to be patient. Things sound good Puzzlar, they really do.

[puzzclar]

I started with a new pdoc, and he seems nice. at least understanding and has the same type of practice the old one had. But talking about EVERYTHING has turned out to be exoosting. I just don't know what to do. It stressed me out, and things have just gone down hill from there. I'm almost to the point that the alters will take over and start the SI process, yet again. I'm just sooo scared that things won't go how I want them. I just need to talk with someone soon. I will be talking with a counselor as soon as I know if the insurance is covered. But what can I do until then, Reading my text books aren't really helping, and I have no idea if I can even remain safe at this point in time. SI just sounds soooooo goood. Which I know is not good, and needs to take a backseat in my mind but it's just not working. But I did pick up a book, that may just help me spiritually, so that may be good. I just have to start reading it on the weekends or when I need a break. What can I do to stop the madness.

[puzzclar]

arggggg. needles to say I did find someone to talk with but..... I said to much. and now I'm paying the price for it. I'm just so anxious, and scared. It's bad enough i don't want to sleep, so I'm on here even if I have a 9am class tomorrow. Why do i have to deal with soooo much. I don't want to deal with this anymore. and I'm getting more tempted to do some actual SI. and I can't say that to anyone. I feel so alone. Who else can I talk with?? What can I do? help....... or at least I think I want help. I really don't know anymore. or ............................................ How much longer can I keep my roommates in the dark about all this???????? Or what would they do if they found out.??? now, I just want to do things I have never really wanted to do. grrr. I just had to vent, and see if it would help. but I guess it hasn't really helped.

[Sannah]

Puzz, I'm sorry that talking to the pdoc was triggering. I hope you get a therapist really soon. Be careful with how much you tell the roomates. It might be too soon and they might not understand. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever tried calling any of the help lines?

[puzzclar]

I havent' called on yet, but I was given one for crisis. Right now I'm doing so much better. It's like a rollar coaster. I got a Therapist fianly. I sent off an email to the president and dean of the school I was at, and I sure hope it helps me get my degree, but It's out of my hands, and I just have to remember that. I meant with my t on Wensday, so that should help. It may be after a long day but oh well. things will get better, and I need the money so I'll do the weird and long days. Like tonight I got to work at 7 drive 2 hours work until like 3am and then home by 6am then sleep then got to class and then do some reading. I hope I can do this. about 3 days of this craziness. but it's money, which I need. so, it's a good thing, and I get paid to study!!! how cool is that.(or sleep)