kind of ironic (possible trigger)

I'm going to have to bring this up with my T tomorrow.......

I'm having elbow surgery Friday. When the surgeon described it to me, he said it would be about a 3-inch incision on the left side from the bend of my elbow downward.

As it's approached, I have been mulling the irony of having a scar on my arm that I didn't put there.

I don't really know how I feel about that, or why it makes me feel weird, kind of -- like somebody else is getting a piece of MY way of feeling better -- like I don't want to share. It's MY arm, and those are MY scars, and *I* made them, and who the hell are you to come along and make one for me? You're getting a piece of me I don't want you to have, don't want ANYBODY to have.

The weird thing is, I am having this done so the pain will stop. That's why I cut, too. My emotional pain interferes with my life as much as this physical pain interferes with my ability to do my job. I have been in constant pain since February, I can't wait for it to be over with, but at the same time, I don't want to lose any more of myself to other people than I already have.

Does this make ANY sense?

Candy

Yes it makes sense I have cut in my life.... YOU decided to have the surgery so in a way...you still control it..kinda

(((((candybear)))))))))))

Candy, yes, it makes sense. People all have different things that work for them or don't, and that they can tolerate or not. Some people get unnecessary surguries as a SI method. Others need the control. My husband has offered to cut me. He thought that I could give him control of it and then I would be able to stop. But I didn't want him to cut me because I wanted to have the control over that. It all comes down to how you feel, I guess. What did T say?

T said that after reading my mail and especially after listening to me describe how I felt about it, the word that popped into his mind was "violated." I feel like by having someone else invade my body, as it were, they're taking part of me I won't get back -- just slightly related to my abuse, ya think? It really became clear that was what it was all tied up in, as we talked. I have really strict boundaries about who touches me and how, and this feels like overstepping a boundary, even though it's for my good and not my detriment.

I dunno if that makes any sense, either.

Candy

It makes sense but I hope you can make it work FOR you ...HUGS

I just wanted to say I hope it goes ok. Or has gone ok.

thank you tam, they were knocking me out right around the time you posted :-). i am tired and sore but ok. thank you for the well wishes.

candy