Not saying a word.... (could trigger, not sure)

That is to certain people. I have SI'ed recently after 3 months of not doing so, I've done it 3 times so far in a month. I haven't said anything to the treatment team, and frankly, I don't want to. But SI is not all of it. Certain thoughts have returned. I'm scared. I have been trying to face this fact of why I SI, but, it's just to uncomfortable. I hate my life, Self-esteem, what's that? Oh ya, something that I have lost since I started to treat my body so harshly, and what good has it done. Only make me feel only a little bit better.

I do feel quilty not telling my treatment team but oh well, life goes on, right?

Congrats on going 3 months without, that is a big step...

why don’t you want to tell them?

Hi Puzz, long time no see!

Yeah, why don't you want your team to help you?

Well done for how long you didn't do it for... maybe try thinking about how you coped during that period? If you've done that well before, you can do it again, just don't give up <3

Wow 3 mouths that's awesome!!!! Be safe and try to think about tell ur treatment team. You deserve better.

How I coped for three months.... Through staying really busy, and not letting myself do much.

And to add to everything. I can say that I really did SI, just because of a 4 inch heal, and an uneven surface. I twisted my knee, and then continued to walk on it for a 1/4 of a mile. So I could have made it worse, but I didn't care. (I wore the shoes for a wedding, as a brides maid) Yes, things are not going well, at all.

as to the reason why I don't want to tell anyone, I just don't want to have the meds changed again or to see the look of complete disappointment in there Eyes. Not wonderful but, it doesn't help at all.

Here's the other thing. I just don't care about me. I've lost so much of my worth as they treatment team says. But for me, I just don't feel like myself at all. I know it's the depression, I have been trying to get rid of it all, but I've got a few issues.

With all that has happened, as far as getting my degree, that's the only thing that I can think of, to stay and get better, not for me, but to get a B.S. and then move on.

Can you tell your team this and that these 2 reasons make you not want to be forthcoming with them?

Sounds like you didn't like that they told you this?

What a great goal to keep you focused!

It is a good goal, but If I don't care about myself, then It will be apparent in the letters to get my degree..... GRRR

Yes I don't quite like what they say, partly because it's kind of true. I've become well not myself... at all. I've been trying to find out what I really need to do, to convince my doc that one medication is not quite working, just because of how I feel now... but it may be caused by something else... may have to try to care about myself enough to get checked out.... Well got to do some looking into what I can do... If I care enough to look, and not just play games.... I hate this, but don't know what I can do to do something about it.

You could start by talking to the pdoc?

Yes, I could but, I'm not sure he will listen anymore.

Why? What about your therapist?

At this point in time, I"m in a lot of pain, I'll have an MRI done tomorrow to find out what is going on. So can't drive at all even if I wanted to talk. Yes, I know it's not good, I'm finding a different way that may just work for me. I just hope it does work, and well. I hate it when something physical, outside your control stops you from working. I've got a week, being forced off.

I kept walking on it, because things were to important so I continued to walk on it. Totally wanted the pain, just not any internal damage. GRRRR

What did you find out?

MRI is normal, so just a sprain. but still it hurts. Not to mention being home instead of being busy. I can't drive right now because of pain meds. and I sooo want to go outside, do something. Still I'm still thinking about SI, I have a few hours to decide not to.

this is just "over my head" I feel like I"m going no where to night. Back to where I was a few months ago. Back to trouble. It's time, to really look inside and find out why I feel the need to SI. Not sure what I will find but, I have to, this can't continue like this anymore. I can't stand to feel like this, and I have 2 hours to put a better face on so that My sister wont be able to tell what I did tonight. but to see the more positive side of me, I hope I can pull this off.

How did it go last night?

Good, she didn't question anything, so I think it worked, but I know she wouldn't say anything anyway. Today, it's still hard I know what I need to do, I need to be realistic about the things I do. I also need to take care of the feelings from the past, and the abuse that I inflicted on myself. It's still affecting me today, not sure how I"m going to do so, don't know what to do, but I am feeling some what out of control with it, and I'm afraid of what could happen.

So I will try to stay busy, I just hope I'll be fine today.

Sounds like great goals to share with your mental health team.

Yes that's coming soon