I want out

Maybe if you go back to the issues that took you to them in the first place? Have you worked on any of those issues? Has your T worked with you on providing any skills or teaching you to be observant & understand better what is going on with yourself? I know that I had psychologists that just sat there & listened & provided absolutely NOTHING to help me get through the rough years I had starting in 1994. It wasn't until I moved away from all that I ended up finding wonderful psychologist & DBT group here that I started to understand so much more about what I was going through then I wished I had known the skills that I am learning now.....along with being in my future now & having survived the then. I knew than that nothing in my future could be any good & there couldn't possibly be any hope......glad I wasn't right....God really showed me that there is more to life than what I knew then also. Finding purpose to life is what keeps us going......

How did they take away your dignity?

It can get worse before it gets better when you start digging into the issues.

Things weren't as bad before the meds. Now its worse. I have memory problems which have effected things at work, balance issues, trouble concentrating, I've blacked out 2x - once I even fell out of bed and woke up on the floor....all things that it didn't have a problem with before, oh ya...I used to be able to sleep on my own, now I feel drugged.

At this point I feel like I cant breath with everything going on.

Have you discussed these drug issues with them?

Of course I've told them everything. It's been hard to maintain any sort of normal life since I let them talk me into the pills. They also seem to forget that they do have a negative effect on some. My big problem is that they want to make me hurt myself. It's been a struggle for months!

He just Kees telling me to go out and take walls. Oh and he gave me a book from one of his "guru" some self help book which I can't even consentrae on because I have a really hard time trying to concentrate.
The only other option he wanted me to think about was putting me in the hospital. I don't want to be locked up!

So do you think you were better off before the meds? You know, you don't have to take meds if you don't want to.

I don't know anymore! The t and pdoc convinced me that it would help but I just don't know if I trust there judgement anymore. I'm running out of options. My regular doc is more concerned because of the blackouts I've been having. I'm supposed to see her soon. I'm ending up with more problems then when I began...3 yrs ago...I don't know what else to say!

We know ourselves the best...............

Then I guess I don't know who I am anymore.

What do you need River?

I guess I just need to stop it all. I hate feeling this way and I don't think that I can go on like this for much longer

So you really don't want to look at what you really are needing?

I know I need help...I've been going to a T for 3 yrs and a Pdoc for 1 yr. I don't know what else to do!

Can you look more deeply at what you really need and then try to work towards that with your T?

I have been trying. He even said that ive opened up more recently. I'm just finding it very hard to do this all alone. I'm sorry to say but the alternative seems so much easier and less scary. I have no family and at this point probably never will...it reAlly hurts. I never thought that my life was going to be so empty.

River,
You are not alone, you have us!!!! It may feel lonely but we understand the way you feel. Just don't take any alternative. Life will improve one day at a time. You just need to believe in the possibility. It may take time, but its so worth the wait when it does. (or so I've been told )

Remember we are here for you.

Very good that you have opened up more!!

I don't have good relationships with my family either but I have gone on to heal anyway and build new relationships with others that have made my life very satisfying. You can do this too.

Whatever relationships that I've started to establish since all this began are long gone. Funny enough I've even tried dating but all it takes is a guy looking at me and they run for the hills. I'm alone and as I get older the chances of having own family get smaller and smaller. I'm not good with being alone.

Thanks for your message. My T keeps telling me to beore hopeful but, it's hard to be hopeful when nothing in life has ever gone the way you hoes. No matter how much you work for it or try and pray for it. It seems like everything is just passing me by and there is nothing to do about it.

You have not completed your work River!! I did not have satisfying relationships after a few years work. I had to stay committed and keep my eyes on the prize and keep working and not lose hope.

Maybe you fear intimacy so you chose people that you can't have??

I don't quite understand what you mean...can you please explain a little more?

When a person fears intimacy they also want it too because it is normal to want intimacy with others. People fear intimacy because they have been hurt in the past and protect themselves by keeping people at a distance.

So what I am saying is that you are alone because any attempt that you have made to get closer to others was made only towards people who aren't available. If you see that someone is capable of getting close to you, you run for the hills. If another person isn't capable of getting close to others you feel safer so you make attempts to get close but of course it won't work because that person will not allow you to get close and then you are hurt.

I did this exact same thing!

What did you do to try to make things better? (I hope you don't mind me asking)

Many issues are tied into fear of intimacy. Low self worth, unhealthy boundaries, trust, meeting your needs, expressing your feelings, living in the moment, etc. Working on all of these will get you moving in the right direction.

But for now just having the awareness as to what is going on should help you to not feel as much despair?