[puzzclar]

I've been saying for awhile that it's time for a change, but nothing changes for the good. I'm still having urges, and some times giving in. I have had some issues with sleep due to staying up late and then getting maybe 2 hours sleep. I feel as if I have to be punished for not sleeping well, for having the urges, for giving in to the urges, for studying persuasion in sui cases, for just not doing what I think I SHOULD be doing. I tried to relabel the should's but that is just not helping. I feel as if someone else is taking control of my mind. that the urges are from that other person. I felt joy playing my instruments, but I'm self destructive. And at this point I see a few things that I can do to help end the self-destructive behavior.
The only issue is the fact that I've been choosing to engage on the behavior every week and a half, and need to get to the point where it's months between. But I'm scared to give up those behaviors.

I'm having issues with sleep, and exercise is one way to help me to sleep. But the urges are hard to control the way I would like. I'm trying to get in music practice but..... and there are a million excuses.

I'm self-destructive. and I don't know how to retrain my mind into positive patterns to end the self-destruction. I just don't know how. any ideas would be appreciated.

[puzzclar]

I even worked out and I still want to SI. GRRRRRRRRRRR I'm just frustrated. I want to end the cycle of self-destruction but at the same time its all I can think about. Every anxiety attack, I think I caused all of them. It's want I wanted. I didn't want the good things to happen. And today an attack was close because of these tendencies. I don't know what to do, I don't know what else I can do to end the cycle. If that's what I really want. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH What the heck do I want??

[suzzie]

((((((((((((puzzclar)))))))))))))

[Sannah]

Work on what is causing the urges?

Originally Posted by Sannah

Work on what is causing the urges?

I agree with this. Unless the reason(s) behind the urges is worked on, the self-injury thoughts/behaviours will always be there. I'm sorry if you've been asked this lots on the forum already, but are you currently seeing a therapist to try dealing with your SI?

[puzzclar]

The thing is I'm not sure what is causing it, and working on it with my T is hard when I don't know the cause. I'm the type of person that has to figure it out by myself first. I know it doesn't quite help all the time. I do know one thing that is a cause.... If I feel like i need to be punished for not getting up and wasting the day. Which kinda sucks when it happens every once and a while.

Also sessions with T are getting farther apart since I'm doing quite well, It's just the fact that SI happens about every week and a half. Which I'm trying to go further, but as we all know it's hard.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

The thing is I'm not sure what is causing it, and working on it with my T is hard when I don't know the cause. I'm the type of person that has to figure it out by myself first.

Sounds like a control and trust issue that you won't relax enough to work with your T.

Originally Posted by puzzclar

Also sessions with T are getting farther apart since I'm doing quite well,

If you aren't trusting your T yet why would you decrease appts?

Originally Posted by puzzclar

If I feel like i need to be punished for not getting up and wasting the day.

Are you working with your T on this?

[puzzclar]

The T that I have says that I'm smart enough to figure it out. And yes I do have trust issues, and control issues. I like to be in control and if I'm not then I seek to blame "others" (those who are in my head) It's hard to not really be working with a T but I find that it's a waste of money for me, and time. I have yet to find a T that actually really helps a lot. And I've had at least 6. So finding a new one right now, is just something I don't have time for. Not to mention my si method is not a method that the professionals deem as si. That fact alone, makes it extremely difficult. And some times I almost think that changing the si method would help to actually help me the most by finding and being able to talk to the pros, and then they would understand. GRRR Working with a good T is almost impossible to find. (Or at least having the will to try to find one)

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

The T that I have says that I'm smart enough to figure it out.

She says this in a dismissive way or is she complimenting you?

Originally Posted by puzzclar

And yes I do have trust issues, and control issues. I like to be in control and if I'm not then I seek to blame "others" (those who are in my head)

Can you ask your T to help you work on these issues?

[puzzclar]

It could be dismissive, but it's also a compliment. And as far as working on the issues, I tried with another T but that didn't work out. She didn't understand the si method, so I gave up on her. Got tired of trying to explain the reasoning of why it was si. Without that understanding how can the T really help. Not to mention the hours didn't fit my schdule.

Maybe i"m just making excuses but all I know is I'm doing all I can without much help in sessions (it's cheaper that way.)

[puzzclar]

Or the other option, to find a new therapist, but to find one that understands, that may be impossible. not to mention the addiction continues, and I'm feeding that addiction. The question is how to stop, or do I find the why behind it..... questions, questions.

[Wysteria]

Hey Puzzclar...

I went round and round with sort of that same question of the chicken and the egg too...fight the addiction or the emotional hole you're trying to fill with the control found in the process addiction...

Best answer that I have found that made sense was that you have to be working on stopping the behaviours and get some small amount of control over the behaviour so that as you work on the emotions arising out of the emotional work, you don't continue to hurt yourself. You may obviously stumble or slip, but knowing that you can get up and get ahold of it again is key. So some sort of sobriety under your belt even if it is white knuckling it is helpful so you begin to get a little confidence so that you can also learn more techniques for self-soothing and emotional release with the proper T for you.

There is ALWAYS a right T out there if you keep looking. Obviously you know that I'm dealing with this issue right now. I still have my wonderful T and needed to be able to make it work with this DBT T as well...but I just don't think I can...I don't ..I don't know... But my primary T is a blessing. Went through 6-8 to get to him and took a very, very long time to trust him...but now I realize he was meant to help me. He is safe.

Don't know if this helps or hurts or if I've bothered you...hope it's ok..
Take care of you..
Hugs,

Wysteria Blue

[puzzclar]

How do I start taking control of my life?

[Sannah]

WHy don't you want to start working with this therapist?

You get your life under control with good therapy.

[puzzclar]

One word, Stalemate. A while back, we didn't get very far, and T called it a stalemate. I didn't want to change, and we were going no where. It still feels like when ever I go in that nothing really gets accomplished. I'm not better when I go, and I feel like I'm going no where. I really don't know where to go with this, and well, what else can I do?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

I didn't want to change, and we were going no where.

So you are stuck and won't budge?

[puzzclar]

I was stuck, know I'm not so sure. After months of not playing my primary instrument (clarinet) I found joy playing 2 weeks ago. Which for me is huge.

The other issue is the fact that for me trying to talk about the issues is very hard. Trying to put feelings into words, is very hard. won't budge, try not being able to express things in words.

Originally Posted by puzzclar

I was stuck, know I'm not so sure. After months of not playing my primary instrument (clarinet) I found joy playing 2 weeks ago. Which for me is huge.

The other issue is the fact that for me trying to talk about the issues is very hard. Trying to put feelings into words, is very hard. won't budge, try not being able to express things in words.

Just a thought...have you thought about trying to express things in other ways besides words? Maybe music, or painting, drawing, etc. It wouldn't be a clear expression, per se, but it would be a way to let some frustration out. And then maybe after expressing yourself in a different way, the words might come more easily.

Hope you're having a good day today!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

The other issue is the fact that for me trying to talk about the issues is very hard. Trying to put feelings into words, is very hard. won't budge, try not being able to express things in words.

How about just talking about what is difficult in your life?

[nicoleb2]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

The other issue is the fact that for me trying to talk about the issues is very hard. Trying to put feelings into words, is very hard. won't budge, try not being able to express things in words.

I can really relate. It has taken me 4 years with my T to even begin to be able to talk about feelings and emotions, to be able to do anything other than just kid of avoid the real issues because I didn't have words for them.

Some days, I can really relate to my 6 year old because he will tell me he doesn';t know what words to use. That's how I am with t, a lot....

[puzzclar]

Originally Posted by melissa.recovering

Just a thought...have you thought about trying to express things in other ways besides words? Maybe music, or painting, drawing, etc. It wouldn't be a clear expression, per se, but it would be a way to let some frustration out. And then maybe after expressing yourself in a different way, the words might come more easily.

Just recently I started to play again (clarinet), and I hope the words will come, but I hope I'll make the time to play. I just hope it helps.

Originally Posted by Sannah

How about just talking about what is difficult in your life?

The hard/difficult stuff is almost to hard to talk about, between the si, and classes, and the control issues. I haven't found to many people that actually know about what really is going on. Which for me makes it hard to talk about. Putting things into words, is very hard.

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I can really relate. It has taken me 4 years with my T to even begin to be able to talk about feelings and emotions, to be able to do anything other than just kid of avoid the real issues because I didn't have words for them.

Nicole, that's exactly how it is, I avoid the big real issues. for that same reason. And the fact that I give up the control that I think I have over the issues. I like control and If I feel like I'm loosing control, I freak.

I am going to try to play again, and to get out what I'm feeling, but at the same time, I'm scared of a lot of things. (for one not getting what I've worked hard for to earn, long story)

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

The hard/difficult stuff is almost to hard to talk about, between the si, and classes, and the control issues. I haven't found to many people that actually know about what really is going on. Which for me makes it hard to talk about. Putting things into words, is very hard.

IMO, you should be working on talking to your T about this stuff.