Why...

Why do I all of a sudden go from feeling ok.. not really feeling anything, to feeling crappy and wanting to SI. I can't think of any reason for the crash. I don't get it

I can't sleep. So horribly anxious tonight and I don't know why. Cutting usually helps. It has not worked tonight. Maybe if I do it again it will work...

Maybe you are going from numb to feeling bad instead of from okay to feeling bad?

That's how I've been feeling lately & I can't understand why. Things haven't been bad lately, but it feels like everything is so wrong. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster..my moods are up & down.

I'm doing much better tonight. Talked to my t earlier and felt better after that. Hoping the anxiety doesn't come back tonight though since it was at night the last 2 days

Horrible, horrible anxiety tonight. Why does it always seem to strike at night??? The only way to stop the anxiety is to cut. To cut and then get to sleep. I need to sleep!

hi nicole, i'm sorry you are feeling so conflicted. i don't know but do you see a pdoc? i read where you are treatment resistant but thought you may benefit from discussing your symptoms to your postdoc. perhaps he can help.

I see a pdoc. Always juggling meds to try to find the right ones. I a, so exhausted. No sleep again, and pdoc is out until next week, so i won't hear anything about sleep meds till next week

Exhausted again. feeling super anxious. Don't know what to do anymore. Feel like I am going to lose it. Can see myself cutting, over and over again to make this feeling go away.

Have you contacted your T?

Talked to T friday, saturday, yesterday and am waiting for a call back today. The anxiety is getting worse, as is my ability to be somewhat functional

What is your T saying about your anxiety if you don't mind me asking?

I haven't addressed the anxiety with her. I know I should, but I haven't yet.

I want to again. I so want to cut. I need to feel the pain, to see the blood, to have something to show for all of the other pain that I hold inside. I can't keep going on this way. I need to cut, to release the horrible thoughts, the anger from missing memories. I just need to see the blood run

Has your T called you back yet?

This needs to be shared with T along with your anxiety. Why aren't you telling your T about your anxiety?

Probably because I don't really want one more thing added to the list of what's wrong with me. Because it's not going to change. I'll still have the anxiety, my life will still be chaos, so what's the point

The whole point of therapy is that things will change.

Things haven't changed so far, why would I have any reason to believe they are going to?
I want to lash out right now. I want to scream, I want to hit something, I want to cut, so badly

I cut again tonight. I couldn't handle things. I still want to cut. I want to cut my wrists, just to see what happens but i'd have to hide it...

Can you tell your T that you don't expect anything to change?

Just letting out your secrets is incredibly freeing. You should try it. And expressing your fears and anxieties is freeing too.

Yeah, I was texting T yesterday because I was having bad urges again. I did let her know that I feel like things aren't going to improve and that they are getting worse. Got no response from her after that so I'm sure we'll discuss it on Monday