[xLittleBLUEpiggyx]

i hope i have ended my SIing. i have started medication two weeks ago, shortly after my parents found out about everything. they had me on a 72hr watch and the whole watnot, made me show them, etc. i now have therapy once a week, but i cant help myself from wondering, is this really the end? i stopped SIing once back a couple years ago, then i thought it was over, so, how can i know if this is really over now??? ive only felt like ive needed to twice since around the 18th of october, but im still woried if a may get bad off again. my mom cried at the crisis center they took me to. i made my mom cry, it was my fault. i caused this. i want it to be over, but how come i feel like its not? why do i feel like i will break my promise and do it again? i my therapist wonders what it is exactly i think started it, but i dnt rly know, i know what i felt, but i cant put it in words, even whenn i try the hardest.

[puzzclar]

Originally Posted by xLittleBLUEpiggyx

my therapist wonders what it is exactly i think started it, but i dnt rly know, i know what i felt, but i cant put it in words, even whenn i try the hardest.

Can't quite put it into words. That's what happens for me ALL the time. I thought several times that i had stopped, but then I started again/ relapsed.

I can give you this thought that could help you. Try to paint a picture with different situations as to how you feel. Try to help the therapist to understand/see what you see. It's hard, but not impossible.

You can overcome this.

[Sannah]

Well, SI isn't over until you have dealt with the reasons that caused the urges in the first place.

You say that it is your fault that you made your mom cry. Well I believe that it is the parents' fault that you have emotional issues. Childhood is for emotional development and it seems that you didn't get what you needed for some reason? I don't think that parents do this on purpose, though, I just think that they have deficits which they pass onto their children.

You need a good T who will look at the whole family and be able to assess the family deficits and how well the family functions I think.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing?

[xLittleBLUEpiggyx]

one word: drunk. five letters that i hate more than anything else in the world. for some reason my dad likes to drink.
I dnt get it. While im trying to stay in my mind, hes drinking his way out of his. Hes not bad when he drinks. Hes not mean or flirty or **** like you see drunk dads as in the movies. Hes just silly. He acts like a two year old. Do u know how humiliating that is? To have to coax your dad to get into the truck after a gathering because he crossed the line again. Anyway, it annoying. I understand how it’s a stress reliever for him, but that’s kindof wat my cutting was. A stress reliever. When they found out about it they took me to the crisis center and junk. If u think about it that way it seems really f***ed up, but I knoe its not. Its common and “normal” to get wasted. But really, my dad has of a chance of killing himself than I do. I know that where I cut wnt kill me, but he is poisoning his inside and eating away slowly at his liver. I just wanted to rant on about this so I cld feel better about it

[Sannah]

Very correct! Someone needs to send your dad to treatment too.............

[xLittleBLUEpiggyx]

he wont quit tho. he'll slow down now cuz my mom got onto him this morning about it, but it'll eventually come back to how it is now, almost every weekend and sometimes in the week.

anyways that was just a rant and i was thinking about it from a defensive point of veiw. even i know that my cutting was wrong and that i needed to stop. i just wish my dad would do the same with his drinking. my therapist and the doctor who percribed my medicine think that my depression came on from a chemical thing, cuz i never had an answer as to why i was depressed, it was just there. it was normal for me. but since i started my medicine a few weeks ago, apparently ive acted differently. ive been more "open" and "confident." those were the words they used. i know that i havent felt like crap for those weeks, which is the longest ever of my good times.

i did steal my boyfriends jacket the other day which made my day it smells good, like a sweet smell. not like candy, but still a sweet guy smell. i cant explain it other than addicting.

[Sannah]

You can't control what your dad does but you can get better and it seems that you are working hard on this, good work! I think that your depression came on from your dad's drinking and your family's related dysfunction. People have substance abuse problems because they have emotional problems. His problems affect the whole family. For your mom to have married a guy who has these problems she must have some issues too. Healthy people don't marry unhealthy people.