[agma]

I feel awful....a mixture of anger, depression, anxiety, and more. I should be happy, I got a phone call about a job interview, but I am not. I had to cancel my T next week because of the interview. I don't know if I am going to be able to make it two weeks before seeing my T. I hate my job and my life. I am worthless and deserve everything I do to myself.

[puzzclar]

Reading the last sentence just breaks my heart. I do have one question, is there another time that you could meet with your T??? It's worth trying. As for the job interview, good luck, but keep in mind you can do ANY thing when you put your mind to it.

Keep trying to be happy, it will happen.

[Wysteria]

Hi Agma..

Well, we know you are not worthless..you have a big heart and are very intelligent and have good skills or this company would not be interested enough to want you to come and interview with them..lol. That's the depression talking and it is loud and clear right now. I certainly am hearing it very well myself..so I totally relate. It's so very hard to see your own worth. Sometimes i just have to step back and see how very upset I would be if I saw someone else treat one of my friends the way I treat myself. I have a huge protective streak of others...just not myself...terrible blind spot those of us with big hearts have. And if we hurt like you are hurting....you have a big one too. Which means that your capacity for love will also be extra large as well. Hold on to that.
Ride the waves and call your T and see if he has any other appts or if you can be put on a waiting list for any cancellations...ok? It can work out.
Hang tough and try to stay near some friends this weekend and get a little psyched for your interview. We'll be rooting for you and can't wait to hear how it goes..

Hugs,

Wysteria Blue

[Sannah]

I can see how missing your T appt. would make you upset. Maybe the job interview is making you nervous too?

[alwaysrejoice]

I'm going through the mixed feelings too. It bites. Good luck on your interview.

[agma]

I am nervous about the interview. I am torn because I really hate the job I am at (it is extremely triggering to me right now), but the place I am interviewing at is a good 45 - 50 minutes away from my t's office. I don't know if I would be able to continue to see my t if I were to get and take this other job since my t doesn't have evening or weekend appointments. I am also struggling because I really want to tell my husband that I have been cutting a lot, but I am afraid to (he doesn't know I have been cutting at all). I don't want to hurt him. But at the same time, I think it would be a good start because he is clueless as to how much I am struggling right now, and if things continue down this road, I may end up in the hospital, and I don't want him to be completely surprised by it. But, if I tell him, he is going to want me to stop, and I don't know if I can stop right now. I am on a cancellation list for my t this week since she didn't have any available appointments.

[puzzclar]

Having your husband to help you stop, would be one insensitive to tell him. I would want too. It is a bit easier to have someone help you stop.

I sure hope you get in with your t this week.

[Sannah]

I hope you get in to see your T this week because these are really important things to talk about. Good luck with your interview. Please continue to keep us posted.

[agma]

My husband asked last night if I had been injuring, and I was honest and told him yes. I felt awful. I couldn't even look at him. I thought it would be a relief to tell him, but it wasn't; it just made me feel worse. I just woke up and I am already having strong urges. I just want all of these feelings to go away.

[Wysteria]

Agma,

You sound ashamed..don't be ashamed..you are hurting..can you go to your husband and talk to him about how you are feeling and include him and see if he can help in any way. It sort of sounded like you shut him down last night. I have no idea what happened, but he actually might be a great source of relief if you can draw him in and let him surround you with his love for you. I'll bet he is just as scared as you right now. It's just a thought...you can throw it away..I hope you will also get excited for your interview this Thursday(?). I know you are in a sort of toxic environment right now and a change might be just the thing to shake things up and create a change for you. I sure hope so. I hope also that your T will have an opening real soon.

Take care of you..ride those waves and keep your chin up.

Hugs,

Wysteria Blue

[puzzclar]

Best advice, even if it is hard. Turn to your husband. Love is a powerful emotion and it can help to heal. Trust in your husband, and things can improve. I hope you get in soon with your T and maybe ask to see if your t may be able to suggest things to help you and your husband to help you not to si.

[Sannah]

[agma]

I had my interview this morning, and I think it went ok. They said they were going to make a decision by the end of the week, so hopefully I should know by tomorrow or Monday if I got the position. I have very mixed feelings right now....part of me wants to get this job and the other wants nothing to do with this job. I talked to my current supervisor yesterday about a few things, and I actually felt a little better after talking to her. I think I might actually be getting through to her finally. It sucked though, I almost started crying in her office. Now that the interview is done, I just have to make it through this weekend. My husband's parents decided they were going to come visit. They don't like me for several reasons which aren't true. This is the first time they will be coming, so that means the house has to be perfect. If it isn't, then I am sure it will just add a reason for them to not like me. I never did hear from my T. Oh well, I guess I just have to wait until my next appointment which is next Thursday.

[puzzclar]

I'm glad the interview went okay. As for the company you have coming, can you talk to them and find out if they will accept the truth and find out if there are any hidden reasons why they don't like you?

[Sannah]

I'm glad that you talked to your supervisor. Good luck with the inlaws this weekend.

[agma]

The visit from my in-laws went pretty well.....better than i thought it was going to be. I found out yesterday that I didn't get the job. I guess I am stuck in the toxic place that I am currently at. My anxiety and depression keeps getting worse, having suicidal thoughts now. Thankfully I see my T tomorrow. I am nervous because I wasn't thinking when I scheduled the session, and I scheduled it for the same time that I have a meeting at work. I have to tell my supervisor today that I can't come to the meeting tomorrow.

[Sannah]

I'm glad that the inlaw visit went better then expected. Sorry about the job. You did talk to a supervisor recently and you said it was good. Maybe you can be more proactive like that and make your current job better?

[agma]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I'm glad that the inlaw visit went better then expected. Sorry about the job. You did talk to a supervisor recently and you said it was good. Maybe you can be more proactive like that and make your current job better?

The day after I had the good conversation with her, I had a horrible one. One in which I was blamed for everything and basically told that I was a horrible employee. That conversation made me feel awful; it took everything in me to not cry and scream "can't you see I am depressed and you are making it worse". She keeps telling me I am negative and have a bad attitude, but I am not doing it on purpose. She doesn't understand. I am done talking to my supervisor. It has become obvious lately though that my supervisor thinks that I really did do nothing. She has asked me if I knew how to do two things that I have been doing for several months now. Today is going to be hard as we have our monthly meeting and then we all have to go out to eat afterwards. I have no desire to even see anyone today, let alone have to go out to eat and try to pretend to be happy. I seriously want to call in sick.

[Sannah]