[Penny T. StDuhnam]

Second time this week I've just beat the crap out of my head.

It's one thing after another. I'm sooooo stressed out I could scream. I'm actually self medicating (a sprite and some Malibu rum; no worries, at this point. I don't drink very often at all. I just want to feel relaxed) . . . I just feel like I'm on the edge and about ready explode or burst into flames.

So, it did happen. Im responsible. I can't control it. It's an impulse. I can't see it coming.

I have PTSD and am really struggling.

Suggestions. . I've lit a candle, burning some incense.

It just feels like everymoment of my life is a struggle. I can't keep this pace.

I'm worried. I always start hitting the same side. It makes me feel crazy. No lumps today though. I'm worried I'm going to accidentally hurt myself.

I recently started depo and feel markedly more aggitated. I WANT TO BE NORMAL!

[kaliope]

I dont really have a lot to offer other than to say I can certainly identify with your frustration. I often wish I could get an xray of my skull to see if I caused any fractures to my head from beating it the times I did.

Other than that all I can ask is if you are in therapy. I genuinely have to credit T, meds and DBT with giving me the tools to help me with emotional regulation so I dont reach that point anymore.

I wish you well.

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

Kaliope, you've helped by just responding.

Yeah, I think about whether I've done serious damage. I once took a glass and smashed it over my head and had dizzy spells for weeks (that was march or April).

No, I'm not back in therapy. I've been trying to find a T who takes my insurance and has an evening appointment.

I could list a million and one excuses. But I do know I need to get it done. I'm going to scout my providers site now instead of reading.

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

I do have to mention, I have anxiety about it. It seems impossible. Do I take time from work (where I'm habitually late, take off for kids being sick- I HATE TAKING OFF WORK or do I do evenings where I have to stress about finding a sitter).

[likewater]

Oh Penny. (((Penny))) that is sooo not safe. Do you have any old dishes or ceramics you dont need? Sometimes that will satisfy my
rage. I wear safety glasses and throw them in the garage or basement and yell. I don't care what anybody thinks. I tell them i'm an
artist. My bfriend thinks what i do now isnt safe but i think it's pretty good compared to slicing myself or beating myself with a bat. I
never hit myself on the head, my mom use to do that for me though. Ouch. Yikes, Penny. Hugs to you.

[TerryL]

Have you tried therapy by phone? then you can find a T that might be in another time zone to fit your schedule.

[Confusedinomicon]

Please don't hit, Penny. :'(

I used to do this quite frequently, and all it did was scare my family and boyfriend. If you're lucky all you'll do is give yourself a huge headache, but if you're unlucky you can cause a lot of damage.

I actually went 3 months without doing it until yesterday. (Not happy about that) I understand that the urge to do it is strong, but you must be stronger then the urge. ((hugs))

Try to find something to distract yourself from wanting to harm yourself. One thing that helped me was posting on here before I did any self harming behavior.

[Sannah]

Hi Penny, please be careful. Repeated head injuries can have serious long term consequences later in life (boxers and football players are finding this out). Please come heer and let us support you and please get a therapist.

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

Thanks you all. I know that I have you all here and for that I'm greatful.

Positive note is that I admitted it. . . I came here to write it down.

I didn't realize there were phone therapists. Have been looking at the options when my boss steps out of the room.

I know I shouldn't. I don't want to. It like its involuntary.

Now I'm just stewing in my aftermath with regret, guilt and shame.

I'll keep you all posted and I have a goal to have a t appt set by weeks end.

[likewater]

Hi, Penny. Just thinking of you. Sending you hugs. Wherever you are, whatever you do is ok. We love you.