[XAutumnX]

Okay so last year I met a girl at my college who found out about my self-harm. She never judged me or anything and she never asked to see (but maybe because she knew I would say no) however she did have loads of questions and misconceptions about self-harm.

She said she knew a girl once who self-harmed as a way of getting things. If she asked her parents for something and they said no she would retaliate by saying she is going to cut herself because of it. This girl would turn up to school and 'boast' about cutting herself and use it to manipulate people.

So my friend immediately said she always associated it with attention seeking and was really shocked when I told her hardly nobody knows about my self harm. She didn't understand as to her self harm is attention seeking yet I don't tell people about mine and I most defiantly never show it.

She asked if it hurt and I told her it did and sometimes it hurts like hell, she seemed very shocked by this as her friend use to cut herself openly in public. I told her for me I like the pain, I sometimes cut to feel the pain... To match the pain on the inside with that on the outside. However I now have a high pain threshold and I now enjoy the calm and tiredness it brings after.

It made me curious, does it hurt you? For me it did and sometimes does but it is now one of them pains that quickly disappear.

If you was asked 'why' you self harm what would you say? For me it is matching internal pain with external pain.

What keeps you self harming? I don't self harm nearly as much as I use to, I now go months between but I do it to get that calm and tired feeling.

What do you hate the most about it? For me I hate that self harm is such a taboo subject and I feel the need to scar myself in order to feel better.

Thanks in advance for reply's. I look forward to seeing you're answers.

[Mylifeisdepressing]

1. I don't cut really deep or anything, i started just a few weeks ago and only cut my fingers, now I cut my wrists and it hurts more but not really bad.
2. I don't really know, I just tried it once when I was feeling really down to see if it really did help. It did. It's kind of a thrill, I guess, and when it bleeds and hurts it makes me feel in control, I guess, and it kind of calms me down. I dint really know, it just makes me feel good.
3. The same thing... It just makes me feel better. And it's not something I do every day, more like every few days. Only when my depression gets really really bad, usually when I want to die.
4. I hate hiding it. Wearing long sleeves, no longer having the freedom to wear the shirts I want to unless I have a jacket or 25 million hairbands/bracelets around my wrist. I have know idea what I'm going to do this summer. Also, knowing the scars will always be there, and that I will hate myself for this in the future.
Thanks for asking, I think it's good for us to talk about it with each other.

[Plutonian]

It's been about 16 months since I've cut myself, but the last three times I did, I felt next to nothing. Prior to that outbreak of harming, I was extremely close to two years without self-harm. My reasons? The best I can describe it: I was feeling extremely empty, there was complete lack of emotion for several months. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. I was... nothing. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to know I was still alive, still human, still capable of feeling. Those three attacks were the worst of my entire life. I had gone so long without cutting. That was the longest I've ever gone without harming myself. And it was indescribable to not be able to feel anything, not even pain.

Although in the periods that I go without self-harming, I do get urges, but I usually satisfy the urges with piercings, stretching my ear lobes, and tattoos. I equate those to being different from self-harm, and don't factor in that pain when calculating my "sobriety" from cutting myself. Maybe it's because someone else is inflicting the pain upon my body. Or maybe because I see it as a beautification process as opposed to a mutilation process. I'd like to know what other people's thoughts are on the process of body modification via piercings/tattoos--whether or not it's self-mutilation.

What I hate most about it is the scars. I only cut on my arms a few times(early teen years), before realizing I didn't want everyone to ask me questions about how I got those nasty gashes. My legs are covered with scars, though. I've even cut on my stomach and breasts. Anywhere that is usually covered by my clothing. The scars on my arms are now covered by tattoos. The scars on my breasts now just look like weird stretch marks (ugh, I don't know what possessed me to do THAT one). I also hate that I'm afraid to be involved in a relationship now, because I know that intimacy will have to become a factor at some point, and I find it extremely difficult to talk about my self-harm to those that don't know what it's like. I have opened up about it to a few close friends, but a couple of those have self-harm issues themselves...

As for what keeps me self-harming? The rush. The intense release of endorphins. I would self-harm in my teen years before I discovered drugs. Once I discovered drugs, I cut back (no pun intended) substantially on my self-harm. When I pushed away my drug addiction, I went back to cutting. I pushed away my cutting, I went back to drugs. It was a vicious cycle of trying to get high in any way possible. I've only been a few months sober from drugs, but it's a start! And I haven't cut during that period, although I did just get a new tattoo a couple weeks ago... We shall see what the future brings.

[Mysterygirl202]

1. I dont know- to all those questions except yes it hurt

[doglover5]

Originally Posted by XAutumnX

It made me curious, does it hurt you?
If you was asked 'why' you self harm what would you say?
What keeps you self harming?
What do you hate the most about it?

1) it only hurts for a few seconds initially, then it's numb. But the cuts always get itchy later & the burns do hurt while they're healing.
2) I self harm for the amazing relief it gives me from overwhelming feelings of rage, frustration, and/or sadness. To clear my head and make myself feel calm & wonderful, instead of explosive.
3) Several factors keep me hooked: the fact that it's fast acting, relatively easy, and works. It's like a drug to me! Nothing else is as potent or works as well. And frankly, ppl just keep pi$$in me off!! (ha! aka: triggering those negative emotions in me, that trigger the urge to SI)
4) What I hate most about it is the stigma surrounding self harm, the fact that people in society don't usually recognize it and react to it as what it actually is: a coping mechanism to separate one's self from the pressures and stresses of life. Just like drinking alcohol, taking vacations or watching tv; all of which are relatively fine and socially acceptable in responsible amounts. Too much alcohol will not only make you feel sick, but could also kill you. Too many vacations could leave you broke and without a job! And too much tv could lead to a whole list of potential problems. Self harm is fundamentally no different from these examples.

Thanks for this post! Really made me think

1. Its more of a sensation than a pain - i find it 'warming' and the more i cut the more that warmth spreads and it feels comforting.

2. I self harm to release all the hurt and allow myself to heal externally through the use of cleaning and bandaging etc.

3. My self harm is a symptom of my BPD so i sort of feel compelled most of the time to do it without there being a specific reason, although when im disassociating and reflecting on the abuse ive suffered etc it can be a way of washing away past hurt by converting it into external suffering that can be treated. Arguing and confrontation also drive me to SI as a means of soothing myself.

4. I hate that its costly - ive spent so much money month after month on antispetics, bandages, implements. I also hate that with me it can get very messy and take a while to heal - all the bandage changing and wound cleaning can be pretty taxing.

I hope you find these answers insightful. Please feel free to PM if you have any more questions.