[Abby]

I am not in a good place. I'm away from home visiting family and already I feel overwhelmed. I dont even know why. I think I am so damn precious I feel rejected far too easily. I understand my family member I am with is exhausted with new babies, and it is amazing to see them...but I dont know what it is that is making me cry. I feel pathetic, weak and stupid. I want to cut already and I thought I may but didnt think it would be this soon. I just feel so alone crying about emotions I cant even figure out. My therapist said I could email whenever I needed but I'm too ashamed to do so already. I've not tried hard enough and I'm being stupid getting so upset. I wish I knew why I was crying...gosh the sadness is huge. I feel like I want to get away but i cant, I cant even tell anyone how I feel because the words and understanding isn't there, it is just pure emotions. I am going into self hatred overdrive, the feeling emotions and not understanding them or feeling they are too big so soon and that I shouldn't feel as I do. I hate that I cannot even email my therapist because a stupid rule in my head says I've not tried hard enough yet and that this is ridiculous a reaction. I hate that this should be a pleasurable experience but yet again something in me wants to destroy it. I should be silent about how I feel because I bring all this on myself. It is my fault so I deserve ti feel crap, if my mind creates the pain then that is my fault. I'm so angry at myself!!

[scary mind]

I've felt like that before, too. I felt upset, ashamed, tired, unwanted, and just plain beaten and for no reason at all. It's frustrating to think that you're just strange and dramatic for no reason. My parents used to yell at me for doing it too. They didn't understand what was happening so they tried to make it stop with hurtful words and raised voices, to this day they still think they were successful, but I still do it and it sucks to know that not even your parents will be there to help you through what ever pain it is. I would say it will get better but I can't because it still hasn't for me.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Abby ))))))))))))))))

[Sannah]

There are valid reasons for your sadness. You just don't know what they are at this point. Please don't be angry with yourself.

[Abby]

Thanks for replying. I think this thread will likely be repetitive as I am feeling quite alone despite support via phone from my parents. (I'm sorry scary mind your parents have not been supportive of you, that must hurt a lot). My emotions are being very over the top, perhaps I am tired? All I know is that I am crying yet again tonight. I do not want to be crude or triggering to anyone but my mind is whirling over and over. I want to cut on my arm as I usually do but since I am holding babies that may hurt...and I wouldn't want to somehow pass any of my awfulness to them....if I cut my leg it may work but if it doesn't it'll be pointless. I am so sorry about how graphic this post is. I'd rather not cut at all, but I am rly very much struggling. I dont know what is wrong with me and causing this horrific feeling of pain. I'm unsure if it is random grief or just plain stress. I hate hate not being able to control my emotions, I get so embarrassed by them being so big for no reason. Sorry for another completely pointless post, I appreciate your support. I'm sorry for this.

[For real]

Hey Abby you post isn't pointless and neither are you. You are having scary feeling and are sharing them. That makes you "Brave n Strong ".in my book. I'm only new here but you sound strong n wise to me, so please give urself some credit. Fighting with ain't ideas ain't easy for anyone.

An idea came to my head...please dismiss if inaccurate... any time I spend time wother certain members of my family I end up a full on Trujillo. Emotions everywhere, way over the top. Like I need to run to get way from it all. Only thing I can suggest is the stickies on the front of the forum.
Take care of you!!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I hate hate not being able to control my emotions, I get so embarrassed by them being so big for no reason.

Emotions are to be expressed and worked through and the issues that are provoking them need to be problem solved. Controlling them is hard to do if not impossible. They are big for reasons.

[Abby]

Thank you so much for real, being able to share my feeling and have them responded to means a lot to me. It is good to have somewhere to write. I have worked very hard at not hurting myself and talking here instead. And I hate that I need to but I do for the moment. One day I will cope with 5 days away with family, or anyone, without being what I see as bad but I know should not be viewed that way.

Sannah I agree so totally with you. You know I do mean this (i pray) even if emotionally I am behind my logically intelligent mind. I am being so much more emotionally honest than I ever have been and I am proud of that...it is just when I get really bad in my head I cant communicate it easily because my words run out. I wish there was another way to communicate beyond words..because as stupid as I will sound I am articulate to the point it actually can hinder at times. Sometimes I scream at myself to use my words but there arent anyor my vocab is seriously limited!

[Sannah]