Sorry

Sorry that I have been away so long. It's been a rough couple of months. There's been a lot of drama between my boyfriend and I. And I haven't been doing too well mentally in this time. I apolligise if I've made anyone worry about me. I've missed all you guys terribly.

I came really close to SI-ing yesterday before bed. I barely stopped myself. I don't know if I can hold out today. I can see it exactly in my mind. And I want it so badly. I want to finally achieve a perfect injury, the big one the one I've always missed. I want to do terrible things to my arm to show just exactly how crap I feel. I am not worthy of anyone and it'd be proof to myself and everyone else of that fact. I know exactly how screwd up that sounds, but I am an inch away from not caring anymore. About not caring about getting better, about doing the right thing. My head is all over the place lately and I don't know why. Nothing feels real. I look at myself in a mirror I don't recognise myself it is someone else, someone I don't know. I don't know what I look like but this person I see is just a dream. And I just can't wake up from it. If I could wake up, I'd be 5 again. My mum, grandpa, and granny all'd still be alive and things would be simple again. If I could do this nirvana of injuries maybe that'd bring me back to earth. I don't know why I feel this way, or what it is called. But it can't be normal.

The Agony of Self-loathing.

Sorry your having such a depressing time as of late I sinserely hope your mood improves. I'm thinking it would be a good idea for you to talk with a therapist someone to help you to think more positive. Do you agree?

yeah I know I need to, but I just can't afford it. And I know if things keep going at this rate I am going to do bad things. I hold things in until they explode and I can feel the explosion coming on and its a big one. That terrifies me, but I don't know what to do.

So I was wrong about it grounding me. I feel just as disconnected as before, with the added benifit of wanting more. If it wasn't for the fact that I scared myself good and proper I would have definitely kept on going.

I went into my room got my blades out and all, and it seemed like after no time at all I was at my worst point. The point it takes me hours to reach, blood-wise, in only 10 or so minutes. The gush of blood caught me off guard. I dissasociate while injuring, but I am still aware of depth and severity and all I just don't feel connected to the pain or myself. This time no. Without even realising, I think I went through the vein in my wrist because the blood came flowing hard and fast. I ran to the bathroom as to not make a mess and get it to stop (so I could go back to injuring some more to make it perfect). I felt faint, for the first time ever in the nearly 11 years harming. I sat down on the floor. 15 minutes later I came to. I had passed out. That's new to me, it's never happened before. I still feel quite faint and light headed. I don't know why I am saying this but, I know its not good and yet aside from scaring the piss out of me, I liked.

Please help

So my easter didn't go to plan. I was convinced by Chrissy that I needed to call the ER and see what I needed to do about Saturday mornings SI. I called, and they were not concerned about me passing out. They were concerned about the fact I'd exposed tendon. Which honestly, I don't normally worry about because I've exposed it on numerous occasion. The registered nurse I spoke with was not reassuring at all. She told me that I needed to go into the Emergency Room ASAP, and that I definitely not drive myself. She kept going on about permanent damage to my wrist. I was positive I didn't want my gran taking me. It took Chrissy kicking my *** to make me go.
At first I rang Greg and see if he would take me. But it was 6:30 in the morning. His phone was off so I left a message. Then it occured to me to try my godmother. She answered straight off and within 15 minutes she was in my driveway. I left quietly so my gran would not wake up. We get to the hospital around 7, and it was a ghost town in there. There was only one other person in the waiting room. I was seen straight off and the entire staff was incredibly kind to me. The only thing that really bugged me was that they were constantly asking me if I was suicidal. I understand since 1) it was self-inflicted and 2) on my wrist, that they had to ask. But over and over and over again. The nurse I spoke to on the phone asked, the woman at the admissions desk asked, the nurse who took my vitals asked, the doctor asked a number of times, and then the nurse who dressed it asked a good bit as well. I swear I was asked over a dozen of times.
I didn't do any damage to the tendon, which I am very grateful for. The doctor didn't stitch me up because it had been 20 hours since the injury and it was already starting to close up. He said he wished to avoid infection. I am to come back on Wednesday for them to do a dry closure or delayed closure. Something along that line. He also gave me a psych consult. I am to call them by tomorrow and set something up. But I'll have to ask for a referal to someone closer. The one they gave me is a two hour drive, and I've never been there before. And that would make my driving anxiety go off the rails.
He was also incredibly insistant that I was not to be left alone. And seeing as my gran was asleep my godmother said she'd take me over to her house. I'd hate to think what they would have done if she hadn't offered or she wasn't there. The way all the staff was acting, I'm pretty sure I might have been admitted. I quite liked them all, even if they did seem a bit clueless really, The nurse that did my dressing did get on my nerves a bit. She was like, "If you ever feel like cutting yourself just think that I told you not to" Yes, like that will do any good whatsoever. Oh the don't do it approach. If it was that simple, I wouldn't have been in there. Oh and she also gave me a tetanus booster because I couldn't remember if I was current.
So after I was discharged (discharge said: laceration, and self-destructive behaviour. Some reason that struck me as odd, the wording of it.) at 9am I spent the day over at my godparents Don and Linda. Linda was really great about the whole thing, which I was so incredibly grateful for. And she gave me some really really good advice. And we talked about my gran, and my godsister and all the drama that's been going on. We swung by my house picked up my jacket and my LotR extened DVDs that I was going to give Don.
I really really enjoyed the time with Don. I haven't been around too horribly much since graduating high school. And all the drama with Kelsey (my godsister) has made his MS sooo much worse. He's having trouble remembering people. And when I walked in he knew me and his face lit up and said my name. Made the crap day and made it better. So I was there from about 9:30 to 3pm. She had wanted me to call into work and have me sleep over, but I just couldn't do it. We were short staffed, and I'd have lost my holiday pay. So she took me home at 3 so I could get some sleep and go to work. I get home and my gran was still fast asleep, she'd no idea I'd been gone all moring and half the afternoon. So added bonus.

If I gave off the impression that I am suicidal, I'm sorry. I am not. Just wanted to throw that out there.

Glad you had the support that you received...it shows you that someone in fact cares & loves you. Please be careful & take care <3

Did you follow up with the psych consult?

I did he wasn't at all helpful. He told me that there was no point in me calling him if all I was asking for was a referral to someone closer. He didn't give me one and left it at that. I suppose there are jerks in every profession. So I phoned my insurance company and asked for their list of approved psychiatrists in my area. It should be here next week.

Good follow up!

Still waiting for the list of approved psychiatrists. Once it comes I'll take it from there. I am sort of having a massive massive freak out right now. I am on worker's compensation for a neck injury from work (two herniated discs C4-5 and C5-6). At the two year mark they do an exam to evaluate if you've improved, do a disability rating, and see if you can go back working without restrictions. As it is now (btw I am an overnight cashier at Walmart) I am only allowed to work 4 hours a night, can't lift over 10lbs, can't do any reaching, and I can not check people out on the large registers only the self check outs.

I am absolutely terrified of this exam. I could lose my job, or worse get put back on full duty when I know I am not ready for it because of how bad my neck is. And it could mean that my neck might never get fixed. I don't know what I'd do if any of that were to happen. Some of the doctors I have seen are quite dismissive of me thinking I am exaggerating and such. I'm not. I have a very high threshhold for pain, as is obvious from my level of SI. And the pain I have from my neck knocks me on my bum everytime. I'm tired of being in pain constantly. I want to be fixed, and I want them to realize that I am not exaggerating things and that I need to continue with the restrictions. Ugg what do I do to show them that I need them?

Just tell the truth.

Is it too much to ask for a day where it doesn't feel like my life is falling to pieces? I'm stressed, more so than I have been in years, and I am not coping very well at all. What is getting me the most right now is the stupid MMI exam that worker's comp does at the 2 year mark. I thought it'd be coming in November not in a couple of weeks. This one doctor visit could change absolutely everything. It is the difference between me keeping and losing my job; the difference between my neck getting fixed and staying permanently screwed to all hell. And the differnce between doing work that I can manage with it and going back to full time, being miserable, because they release me to full work. That is the one I am stressing over so hard. I spent a good 6 months after I hurt my neck under the impression it was muscle soreness and that all I needed to do was toughen up. And those 6 months working at Walmart are the worst I've had there by a LONG margin. Lifting heavy crap, checking out people for hours and hours constantly twisting. Every single day during that period I swore to myself that as soon as Christmas rolled around and I'd gotten my holiday pay and bonus I'd be quitting. But that November I just could not take a second more of it. So I went back to the doctor. They put me back on restrictions, and work become marginally less miserable. Come last March, my MRI results come in. I'd been working full hours on two herniated discs. So they bumped me down to 4 hours a night. And since then work has been tolerable, hell, sometimes even downright enjoyable. All because my neck didn't hurt so badly that I wanted to scream. And come two weeks time, all that can be thrown away. I just don't know how I'd handle it if all my effort staying at a crap job, saving money, my health insurance, and taking classes online were to go out from under me.

I have that to worry about and my 21st is coming up. It seems so completely unreal to me. To be fair just about everything seems unreal at this point. Where have the years gone? It feels like I blinked and the last 15 years of my life went by in a single instant. It's like a massive cosmic joke at my expense. Despite how hellish it was, I MISS high school. I had a purpose then. I was going to prove everybody wrong. The only thing keeping me going was that thought. The positive side of me says it was hope for something better. But if I am to be truly honest with myself it boiled down simply to spite. Plain and simple spite. Yeah I was depressed, but I didn't let it stop me from making top grades. Sure I'd wished I was dead, but that would prove their suspicions right about me and I just couldn't have that. I had people tell me, people I loved and trusted, they didn't think I'd make it to 18; because I'd either off myself, or die accidentally because of SI. So I knuckled under, and I told myself, "I'll show them". And I graduated near the tippy top of my class (3rd), and the future looked so so bright. Then it all came crashing down then. Uni fell through. I was stuck in the same crap town, with the same crap people, when everyone else went on to bigger and better things without me. Turns out people were right about me all along. Born white trash, stay white trash. I took the job at Walmart thinking, "I'll be here 6 months, a year tops so I can save for school." A month in I hurt my neck, and get stuck there too. Doing a job I hated, knowing full well that if my cards had been dealt differently in a few years time I could have been a scientist and all I'd ever dreamed of. I started school 3 years late, and only that online. What grad school do you know wants someone with an online degree in biochem?

I'm in a relationship with a great guy. We've been friends for years, we were in marching band together. And unlike every other friend I'd had in high school, we kept in touch. But Greg and I haven't had a "real" conversation in weeks. I know he is regretting moving out of the friend zone. I'm ten pounds of crazy, possesive, and needy in a five pound bag. And I warned him about it upfront. He always caught the B-Side of it in high school. I hid it behind a smile better then. But ever since ringing him, hysterical, to take me to hospital for stitches he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me at all. He says we're fine, that he's just been busy. But I see it for what it is: avoidance. Everything's always been a big joke to him. He takes nothing seriously, not even life changing decisions. I think the jokes stopped for him where I am concerned. Now I am just the crazy girlfriend he'd rather avoid. I want us to be okay, I want us to have something real. Because I am tired of being lonely, and worthless. But everytime I try and bring anything serious up he shrugs it off, gives me an excuse and then we go weeks without so much as a word.

And I never thought that a week shy of 21 I'd still be living at home with my gran, in this craphole excuse of a town. I know I can't afford anything else, and my gran truly thinks she's doing the right thing by me. But I am being suffocated. She pays the rent, I do as she says. I don't think I've ever constituted as a real person to her. When she looks at me, hell when all my family look at me, I'm nothing more than my mother. Her mistakes, her character flaws, her personality, her wild streak. I'm surprised they even know my name. It sucks when you have someone you hold in such high esteem and love not know or even care for that matter anything about who you are as a person. When you see the pain in their eyes when they look at you, because you look so much like her it's uncanny. I'm my own person with my own faults, and personality. And from what my godmother has told me (she was my mums best friend) I am almost nothing like my mother personality-wise. I want them to see me, to LISTEN for a change, and not dismiss me. I don't think that is too much to ask from your family. I'd do it for them. I'd take a bullet for the lot of them in a second. And I know the point of family is to make you miserable but the tiniest bit of effort to let me grow up is all I ask.

I don't want my life to feel like it is unravelling at the seams. That I am barely holding it together. I keep screaming out for someone to help me, and they mime deafness and apathy. I'm really and truly not asking for much here. I'm 95% stubborness, and that usually does the job. It's gotten me through a lot in the past. But it just isn't cutting it anymore it seems. You can only bury so much crap before it starts to bubble out. You fake it. You say today I am going to smile, because I have eveything in the world to be grateful for, and everyone will be fooled. Then the day comes where you can't see the forrest for the trees. And if I'm not there yet, I'm close to it.

And injuring has been many things for me over the years. It's worn many different hats depending on what I'd needed it for. I want it now, so much so I can taste it. Just for a few minutes I want absolute oblivion, and that's a new one for me. I want nothing to matter, for things to be simple again. But I know the oblivion will be short-lived and that makes me want something longer lasting.

What treatment have you been getting for your discs? If you are still in pain the MRI should show that they are still bulging.

You never know. I went to the world's worst HS and then got a 2 yr degree at a local technical college. At 25 yrs old, the University of Michigan accepted me for a bachelors degree. I didn't finish that degree until I was 32 and then I was accepted for my Masters at the University of Kentucky. If you have the will, you will find a way.

I know of many people who are accepted into programs (med school and other graduate programs) in their 50's.

Have you ever talked to your family about this?

I need neck surgery but they don't want to give it to me because of my age and it's cost. And any other treatment they've suggested (epidurals, trigger injections, etc) have been denied because they are not permanent solutions to the problem. So in the two years since my neck has been messed up all I've gotten is pain medication, and muscle relaxors.
Where the uni thing is concerned I just feel so stuck. People I went to school with are finishing their degrees and starting their carrers, and I am just starting out.
I've talked to my gran about it until I am blue in the face. It's infuriating that no matter what I say to her, how rational my argument, or how reasonably I come across; she takes it as a personal attack against her. So I've just stopped trying where she's concerned because I know nothing I do or say will make the slightest bit of difference.

Also my internet connection is gone. I am at the library right now trying to do some of my studies before finals and all. Don't know how often I'll be getting on here in the next couple of weeks because I don't want anyone to look over and see the site I'm on. Although that is highly unlikely due to the fact, besides the librarian, I am the only person here.