[WePow]

I tried to not cut, so now I bang the back of my head. Oddly, I think to myself it is not causing any damage because I always wake up the next day feeling the same as the day before. I have noticed my vision is going south though. Oh well. Not much in life I want to see anyway. ha ha.

I only do this while at work and in stress. It is getting to where I am doing it harder and harder. Before it was just like thumping it. But about 30 min ago when really stressed it was full force and I felt the blackout thing start but then was still here so didn't pass out.

Has anyone else been through this form of SI? How in the heck did you stop doing it? There is always a wall and there is always my big stupid head!!

[RunningEagleRuns]

Ive told myself to do anything but bang my head. You can mess your head up. Try putting a rubberband on your wrist and snapping it when stressed or angry. I know I banged my head out of rage.

[mortimer]

I don't know if it's self injury, but I punch my head as hard as I can. Not the back though, the sides. No bruises even show.

It's not like when I cut, but it's kind of similar though?

Who knows. : / lol at not much worth seeing. I'm inclined to agree.

[WePow]

Thank you guys for the understanding. I hated yesterday.

It dawned on me late yesterday that it was my ex-abuser's birthday. UGGG!!!!
I had forgotten the date consciously (even though we were "together" for 10 yrs after I was an adult) - the CSA started when I was 11yrs old and she was 23yrs old.
It is amazing how the subconscious responds to things like that.

I went right into the self destruction mode and didn't even realize why!
Oh well, today is another day.

[Sannah]

WePow, please do not bang your head! Football players and boxers are realizing the permanent damage that occurs with head trauma (causes depression, parkinsons, etc). Please do not choose a permanent "solution" for a temporary problem. It would be better to cut. You need your brain.

[volatile]

You should REALLY stop doing that. it's more dangerous than cutting yourself.
I have knocked myself unconscious before.
Have you tried the rubber bands? It's a lot better than hitting yourself, hell even cutting would be better.

[WePow]

Thanks guys. I am not sure why I am doing this. I told my T but he brushed it off. Which helps a lot - right? I am thinking of trying to find a DBT therapist. But I don't want to tell anyone else my stuff. It really helped yesterday to go to session and have T totally disregard a test he had me take that he said we would go over. Then he told me he did not read some emails I sent him. That he would go back and read them now that he was curious. IDK. I tried to email him about it and said it was my cognitive distortions. But oh well.

Please find another outlet ...

Until then ...

Hugs & Helmets ...

[roads]

You seem to have unanimous backing here, WePow, the worst SI is head-slugging. You could end up a vegetable in a nursing home for numerous decades, another "household name" but never you again.

Have you tried the rubber band thing? You might cut off blood flow to your hand, which doesn't sound good--but beating your brains out? Seconding BrokenCloud: Hugs & Helmuts ...

[Sannah]

Sounds like you need to reconnect to T because old messages are trying to tell you that you aren't important?

[grey_aj]

Vision loss is because your occipital lobe is at the back of your brain, and it controls vision.

I agree with Sannah. This sounds terrible, but cutting vs. brain damage... don't go with brain damage.

[WePow]

I went to see T today but he had his own stuff he was dealing with so we set up a session for Thursday. I sent him an email telling him that while I know he wants to work on installing the positive things I need for my support, that I need to deal with the whole video thing. I had CSA which included being filmed (ugg)... So every day at work seeing myself on that video product we are now supporting ... well it makes me act out with the head banging. It makes me not want to be. At least I told T in email the truth.

[WePow]

I told my T about the head banging but he said everyone has their own form of doing that. So that is dismissed. Not sure where to go with this now. Was thinking of finding a DBT therapist maybe? I love my T and I don't want to go with someone else.

[WePow]

Acted out today with sexual crap. Wanted to head bang. Need to cut. Wrote T. Tried to do self care. HATE WHO I AM !!!!!!!! I hate being me. I want OUT of this pain. T does not get it. I want OUT of this for good. He does not get it.

[mortimer]

Sorry, WePow.

I hope you feel better soon.

[WePow]

Ended up too drunk last night because of being on call for work. I hate that. I told them I could not do it when I was hired but they changed the rules. The room is still a little spinning. I should not have drank that much. But I don't remember banging my head so that must be good.

[xraydiva09]

Constantly banging your head will eventually cause a bleed in your brain (and possibly a fractured skull).....a brain bleed is also what people get when they are having a stroke, and you know what damage strokes can do....while its nothing that outwardly you can feel at this moment, you keep doing it, and it wont take much longer for your brain to hemmorrage, which then leads to alot of other complications that you really want no part of.....brain swelling, brain stents, coma, death....not pretty....if you feel you must have an outlet somewhere, find another method.....sorry for the bossiness of my post, but what you are doing is very serious and has very serious complications and of course we all want you well and healthy!